Green's Green Coffee Bean Coffee

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I wonder if
you have ever had one of those thoughts that made you smile, as
it were, out loud? It makes you look like a complete idiot
of course — just sitting there grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire
cat. Yet, as I write from an undisclosed location overlooking a
mug of freshly roasted, ground and espresso'd coffee — I am content.

The reason
is simple, yet profound:

After the
furrowed brow of study; the trawling through internet searches on
higher matters; the exertion of clenched fists striking the air
in blows for freedom; after bringing them down forcefully on the
desk when confronted by some widely held misunderstanding in need
of correction — I like to grab a bite to eat.

I also rather
like imbibing copious quantities of the aforementioned brew. I refer,
in particular, to my own creation, the "Greens Green Coffee-Bean
Coffee" ("GGCBC") method. This is normally to be
followed and /or accompanied by a main course consisting of my other
creation — the freshly roasted, "Nuts a la Green."

Both come highly
recommended, not merely for their restorative properties, but also
as a way to trim the unsightly ravages that the vice of gluttony
can impose on the physical host of even the finest minds. In short,
this amazing combination has lost me three stones in not many more
months. I look really great — but you'll just have to take my word
for that.

It may be a
discomforting point to note, but there is only one true way to lose
weight — as confirmed by all known laws of physics — STOP EATING.
Yes, it is essential to stop craving, stop thinking about and
stop caring about food — and the best way I know of doing that,
is to pickle oneself in coffee and roast a few nuts. Indeed, despite
the caffeine content, the overall lowering of carbohydrate intake
from the nuts, plus something called chlorogenic
acid
in the coffee, seems to act as a catalyst in the blubber
removal process.

Furthermore,
I am convinced the benefits do not stop at weight loss. One mug
of "Greens Green Coffee-Bean Coffee," and the mind awakens
as if jolted — like a tired heart revived by a hefty nurse with
a defibrillator.

I can also
confirm a particularly reviving effect upon the intellect in the
early morning. Moreover, this effect can be significantly enhanced
if combined with an elocution exercise consisting, at a minimum,
of 3 rapid repetitions of the following phrase: "Greens
Green Coffee-Beans means coffee caffeine-content contentment."

Now, to all
right-thinking minds, the avoidance of painful exercise in any health
regime is of course, a given. Nevertheless, by following this program
with sufficient rigour, the known laws of physics must prevail here
also — i.e. what goes in, must come out. In other words, considerable
benefit is to be derived from the regular jogging it entails — that
is, down the corridor to the bathroom, before returning to the comfort
of your seat as swiftly as possible.

Despite these
virtues, I am told that certain religious orders frown upon coffee
in general, due to its invigorating effects. However, should GGCBC
indeed contravene any reader's Order’s orders I recommend approaching
the grand boss with a hot cup of the questionable beverage for a
ruling.

Rest assured,
literally within seconds of the first sip, things will become much
more amenable. Inevitably some clause in the Order’s orders will
soon be found, to accommodate at least limited permissible amounts
of GGCBC. Before the week is out, the Order’s orders will be fully
“clarified” and more than likely, sometime later GGCBC will become
compulsory prior to study — to promote clarity of thought. In line
with other more enlightened Order's orders, GGCBC need not be castigated
as “demon drink” or the "devil's brew," but consumed in
venerated and virtuous volumes — and the world a better place for
it.

But I digress
— and here is the main point: All these many benefits are overwhelmingly
eclipsed by the sheer taste and enjoyment of "roasting your
own." I now therefore bequeath to the reader the "Greens
Green Coffee-Bean Coffee" method:

Green's
Green Coffee-Bean Coffee

You will require

  1. Raw
    Green Coffee beans
    — experiment, but start with Central and
    South American "Arabica."
  2. Popcorn
    Maker
    — the hot air circulatory type.
  3. Whizzer
    — a basic grinder.
  4. Espresso
    Maker
    — basic type.

First, toss
a handful of green coffee beans in the popcorn maker. After 3–4
minutes you should hear the "first crackling," soon thereafter
(maybe 6–8 minutes) "second crackling" will begin. That
is the point you want to consider removing the beans into a cold
dry saucepan.

For optimum
espresso taste, experiment — try just before, during or after second
crackling time. Times will vary with popcorn maker and with electrical
supply fluctuations.

Let the beans
cool and store them in a jar — but enjoy some now also. To do this
put some in the whizzer-grinder and go. Too fine and your espresso
machine gets blocked, too coarse and you lose the espresso effect.

Advanced users
will no doubt move on to a Gaggia
Classic
espresso machine — though for connoisseurs only the
perfection of a Rancilio
Silvia
will do — and a superior conical
burr grinder
. Home coffee
roasters
(alt.)
are also available.

Some notes:
Using filtered water helps with taste and gives a large froth. By
using a small amount of double cream in place of milk for a latte,
carbohydrate levels can be reduced. A percentage of raw green coffee
beans can be ground and added to increase chlorogenic acid content.

Finally, while
sugar should be avoided, the subject of sweeteners is a tense one
and cannot be broached without risking the email inbox equivalent
of drop kicks. It is true; I cannot find a good independent word
for any of them except Stevia.
You could also try Erithrytol.
Of the rest, perhaps saccharin-based brands have the least evidence
against them? I merely speculate on that last point.

Nuts la
Green

Next: Cravings
for food disappear with just the occasional serving of: "Nuts
la Green."

Requirements:

  1. Raw unroasted
    nuts — pecans, almonds, walnuts, hazlenuts, macadamias etc.
  2. Popcorn
    Maker
    — the same one you used for the coffee (or use a proper
    nut
    roaster
    ).

Just toss a
handful of nuts in — if due to impatience you overloaded and they
are not moving adequately, shake the machine vigorously to let them
move and cook evenly. It is possible, with practice, to achieve
a grace and appearance not far off that of a cocktail waiter. Two
minutes or less and you're done.

To season,
grind in a pestle and mortar: one teaspoon salt, a half teaspoon
black pepper, a half teaspoon garlic powder, an optional quarter
(plus) teaspoon of chilli powder; also, it gets even nicer with
some form of sweetening ground in. Put a few drops of groundnut
or olive oil over the hot nuts once out in a bowl, and stir. Then
sprinkle on the seasoning, stir and leave to cool.

Final Notes

You will never
again be content with stale supermarket seconds — you now know the
finest way to make coffee and the finest way to enjoy nuts.

The cares of
life must be cast upon shoulders greater and mightier than ours.
To assist in this noble endeavour, I commend to the discerning reader:
"Greens Green Coffee-Bean Coffee" and "Nuts a la
Green"!

September
4, 2010

Paul
Green [send him mail] is
of British background and supplies computer security and privacy
services in the UK and Switzerland -while his wife home-schools
their children. Over the years he has also traded the financial
markets and worked in sound production.

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