I Want a Job With the Fed

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To Whom It
May Concern:

I am writing
in response to a job posting on www.beapatriot.gov for a new Federal
Reserve Chairman. I would like to submit my rsum for consideration.

Since graduating
with my B.A. in 2000, I have gained valuable work experience in
a variety of fields, such as nonprofit, firefighting, and building
security. Though I have not had much experience with monetary policy,
my skill set would be highly transferable to the work I would be
doing in Washington. Having studied the mission and history of the
Fed extensively, I know that, despite my eclectic background, I
would be a great fit with your organization. Allow me to tell you
a little bit about professional background.

As a junior
in college, I interned at Fly Free, a nonprofit whose mission was
to save the bald eagle from going extinct. My main accomplishment
was coming up with the idea for their "Promise to America"
campaign. The promise was this: "We'll give you a dollar for
every bald eagle you don't shoot." It was about simple incentives:
Give Americans the right incentives, and they'll do what you think
is best. Well, the program became very expensive. The nonprofit
had to borrow money to pay for it. Then no one would lend them money
anymore, so I came up with the idea to put scratch-n-sniff, bald
eagle stickers on Monopoly dollars and send those out instead. A
few people called in to complain, saying their dollars were fake.
I would say: "No they're not." The number of bald eagles
saved is still unknown, but I learned a lot about public relations.

When I graduated
from college, I craved adventure, so I worked as a firefighter in
Colorado. My mission was to protect the wildlife and natural resources
from forest fires and to reduce the threat to human lives and property.
When I was first hired, I conducted a controlled burn at a national
park to decrease the likelihood of a more serious fire. The controlled
burn burned uncontrollably, turning into a more serious fire. I
received a promotion, a 20 percent increase in salary to supervise
the additional workforce, and thousands of dollars in federal aid
to deal with the fire. Plus, it stimulated the economy: More jobs
for firefighters! I guess that's what you call the "law of
unintended consequences."

During this
time, I was also in charge of directing pre-fire suppression activities
in a nearby town, such as removing vegetation adjacent to structures
and thinning out trees to break up potential fuels. Afterwards,
I doused the structures with gasoline and decorated the branches
with red, white and blue paper lanterns. The whole town burned down.

Then I created
a team to liaise with local business owners at a still-standing
strip mall that wasn't doing too well, identifying common goals
and working together to meet community objectives: My team set fire
to the strip mall and received a 10% cut of the insurance checks.
Then we torched a "Ron Paul 2012" billboard just for kicks.
What a summer! Local business owners wanted me to run for mayor,
but I felt I was destined for bigger and better things.

After my stint
as a firefighter, I had a nice nest egg, so I decided to do some
traveling in Europe. I ended up obtaining a job as the Head of Security
at the Louvre. There, my mission was to protect the priceless works
of art from theft and damage. Because I had unchecked and unparalleled
access to the collections, and because it seemed to me that that
most of those pretty pictures would garner a pretty penny, I began
to network internationally with art lovers during the day and became
well versed in art "dealing" at night. I was careful to
replace every work of art that I sold with a dead ringer imitation
so as not to deprive the public of the pleasure of enjoying these
treasures of human civilization.

The French
Ministry of Culture did begin to suspect something was up after
they noticed all of those armored vehicles pulling up to the loading
dock night after night, but when they called me out on it, I reminded
them of the dangers inherent in the politicization of art, and the
need for the world of art to remain independent of all things political,
like questions about force and fraud. The Ministry backed off. When
they decided they wanted to go to war with some Middle Eastern country,
I fronted them the money out of my lucrative earnings and they have
left me alone ever since. In fact, my friends at the Ministry have
recently been egging me to lead the E.U. or the U.N. or some other
pseudo-governing body, but I felt I was destined for even bigger,
even better things.

As for my current
professional objectives, I thought about running for President of
the United States, but I wouldn't like that kind of spotlight. I
wouldn't want to be accountable to the American public. I wouldn't
want to hear their whiny, little voices all the time or have to
explain what I'm doing. I wouldn't want to kowtow to anybody. Then
it occurred to me: The Fed!

I would very
much enjoy the opportunity to speak with you at length about how
I would regulate the United States banking system, maintain stability
of the financial system, stabilize prices, and achieve maximum employment.
(I also have some ideas about a perpetual motion machine that you
might find interesting.) This job appeals to me because, in the
event I encounter challenges that make it difficult for me to achieve
my objectives, or in the event I appear to be accomplishing the
exact opposite of my stated objectives year after year, I can simply
call my critics conspiracy theorists, and will never have to answer
for my inconceivable inanity, seriously questionable tactics, general
moral sketchiness, and absolute incompetence.

A strong country
requires a strong central bank, one full of super smart people who
know how to run, not only the country, but the world. Beyond having
a keen interest in the mission of the Federal Reserve, I simply
want to be one of those people.

Thank you for
your time and consideration. Please find my rsum attached.


M. Finnigan
Orwell Street, Springfield, CO 91111
911-91111 ellenfinnigan@gmail.com


State College

of Arts & Sciences, Class of 2000

of Arts

To obtain the position of Chairman of the Federal Reserve in order
to utilize my skills and grow professionally


Fly Free Washington

● Summer 1999

Mission: to
save bald eagle from going extinct

  • Put nonprofit
    in serious debt
  • Counterfeited
    fraudulent money with scratch-n-sniff stickers
  • Number of
    bald eagles saved: unknown

Fire Assistance Springfield, CO

● June 2000 — July 2003

to suppress wildland fires; protect wildlife and natural resources;
and reduce the threat to human lives and property

  • Started
    a fire that decimated wildlife and natural resources and threatened
    human lives and property
  • Burnt down
    town of Springfield

Louvre Paris, France

Head of
Security ● July 2004 — February 2009

Mission: to
protect museum's art collections from theft and damage

  • Stole art
  • Sold it
    on black market
  • Made a killing
  • Ruined world-famous
    art collection forever

Available Upon Request

5, 2010

Finnigan [send her mail]
graduated from the University of Montana with an M.F.A. in Creative
Writing. She currently teaches writing online to Catholic homeschooled
kids and was the organizer of the Missoula for Ron Paul meet-up

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