Dear Barack, I Have a Towering Solution

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Hey there, Barack buddy, it’s time for some change since we really haven’t seen a whole lot. As you know first hand; "War is Peace" or is that; "Peace is War?" Oh, fiddlesticks! What’s the difference? You tell me. You’re the expert.

Anyway, before you expand on World Peace by shipping 40,000 more gun-toting goober eaters off to Afghanistan so they can escalate "peace" with Pakistan and create more war, let’s step back and re-evaluate your first peace promise; closing down Guantanamo Sea Side Spa and Resort.

We may not be reading all that much about Gitmo these days but it’s still offers endless free Time Shares. Yeah, yeah, I know, shutting down a proven money-waster is not that simple. How does one stop a runaway train on a circular track? The problem is what to do with all the Gitmo Guests?

What a nuisance this racket of buying "terrorists" who were often hapless schmucks, from corrupt bounty hunters has turned out. How can you tell the real nasty guys from the farmers and goat herders? Uh… by trial? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. Habeas Corpus? Due Process? Lucky for you, Bro Bama, your predecessor did away with such quaint antiquities. Too much hassle and expense. Not enough Executive Freedom. Besides, nobody who donates to campaign funds wants to see such things as The Law properly enforced. Best to stash all the Gitmo Guests away where they can be forgotten. Americans are good at forgetting things they don’t like. Like remember that year when… uh… who was it that… oh never mind. I forget.

But where do we stash a bunch of illegally incarcerated Muslim peasants? Sure, it’s deuced hard to visit anybody in Gitmo and for that reason it’s the perfect choice. But… we know about it and you did promise to close it Dude. It’s time for a new Black Hole of Calcutta, which might be a good choice actually.

But let’s be realistic. This sure is a quandary. Well, I’m here to help. I have a cunning plan worthy of International Recognition!

England’s current Prime Idiot, Gordon Brown has decided to sell off England. Yes! There is an opportunity for investment in the Land of the Bard!

Surprise, surprise, England too needs cash, maybe more than we do. So time to dump the Family Jewels… uh… I mean the Crown Jewels. Okay, well… they’re not that desperate yet but things like the Channel Tunnel and the government’s investment in Urenco Group are up for grabs. Oh… in case you didn’t know, Urenco makes fun gadgets for spinning uranium thus making it pack a bigger wallop. They also employed our Man from Pakistan, Dr. Abdul Qadeer Khan… uh… he’s the wise guy who sold all that nuclear technology which is now making… uh… you, as well as a few others… very nervous. You might want to buy that stock in case Iran places an order for centrifuges with Urenco Group.

Anyway, PM Brown’s master plan is to raise sixteen billion British Pounds. And you thought Tone Blair was a nimrod! Isn’t it nice to have a like-minded colleague in The Old Country? My guess is everything and anything can be snagged right now at a low, low price! It’s a bargain basement British blowout!

What does this have to do with Gitmo? I’ll tell you. Right in the heart of London is the perfect high-rise condo complex suitable to stash our Gitmo Guests. It’s called The Tower of London!

Yeah baby! Groovy digs. Think of the advantages. You can say honestly… for a change… "I closed Guantanamo!" You can set up all those threatening "terrorists" in the height of style in an historic edifice of some real bona fide torture and misery! What a better use for The Tower?

England has been wasting its potential since Winnie The Pooh and Piglet battled the Heffalumps and Woozels. The Tower has been used as… and I shudder at the thought… a tourist attraction and that’s all! Hell no! That was never the idea. However, that need not come to an end. Abdul the Camel Salesman can hang by his ankles all day and scream "death to the infidels" in Arabic, which seems appropriate, and you can tell the eager throngs of tourists he’s a professional actor. They’ll never know. Hey, make the transplanted Gitmo Guests pay for their time in The Tower… now under new management!

Barack Dude, it’s a win-win golden opportunity in the cause of International Peace for which you are so famous, if I understand my Double Speak. Gitmo gets shut down and you can stage a draw and quartering ceremony. Good PR you know. All the locked up "terrorists" can start new and exciting careers re-enacting scenes from Merry Olde England. Now is the winter of Abdul’s discontent. Who knows, maybe one or two of them actually are terrorists and mortal threats to the United States of America! Just kidding. And if properly managed… my little sense of humor… The Tower of London just might turn a tidy profit for some of those corporate campaign donators.

Step right up, Bro Bama! Don’t lose your head over this opportunity but you don’t want to leave it hanging. It’s prime real estate with a purpose.

October 16, 2009

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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