My Personal National Healthcare Plan

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I am not big on national policies. With national policies, huge chunks of the populace don’t get what they want, and indeed they have to accept it or face the consequences. I believe as many decisions as possible should be made by the individual since the decider usually get what he wants. When I commit to an action it’s always a unanimous decision, so there is zero chance of vetoes, strikes, or revolts. The money spent towards the decision was given to me voluntarily and appropriated without pork barrel spending, featherbedding, or corruption.

Another advantage of making decisions at the individual level is that the authority and responsibility rest with me. If my decisions do not bear the fruit I had in mind, I can quickly rectify the plan rather than waiting until the next election cycle to throw the bum out. I am the sovereign, the pater familias of my own person. I am a nation of one.

So when it comes to healthcare, I have my own personal national plan that I signed into law about three years ago. Once again, it was a nonpartisan decision, thoroughly studied, budgeted correctly, and it currently enjoys widespread support throughout the dominion. Essentially, all inhabitants must commit to three sessions of yoga and five sessions of cardiovascular exercise a week, and must limit the amount of food taken into the body, especially sweets and fatty foods. All citizens supplement their diet with fish oil, multivitamins, and plenty of fruits and vegetables. Occasionally, the healthcare plan calls for periodic acupuncture sessions, massages and chiropractic adjustments.

I have enacted other measures that keep healthcare costs down. For instance, alcohol and intoxicating drugs are banned and prohibited from entering the nation. I’m able to enforce this policy without a drug enforcement agency because I run a very tight border patrol. Also, my national healthcare plan is underwritten by Blue Cross Blue Shield in case any of my citizens require hospitalization.

Unfortunately, I am not a sovereign nation. I am actually about three or four levels down in a vast tributary system where much of my money is taken from me before I get it. Some of that money goes to pay for a healthcare system that helps the elderly, the poor, and the vets, but at least with the money I have left over I can fund my own plan over which I have complete control… for now.

My big fear is that before too long, my national healthcare plan may cease to exist. I see it being pushed to the margins if a United States healthcare plan gets brought into being. It could be that the doctor types I hire and supplements I use might be banned outright or bureaucratized into inaccessibility. I would wager that if a national healthcare act were enacted, the bill would be written almost exclusively by the pharmaceutical industry and thus the cure or balm for anything would be a drug. That’s the major reason I don’t go to regular doctors; you tell them your symptoms and they look them up in a big book and prescribe a pill. The presumed relationship between a person’s health and the right pill is so strong, that the industry is now urging children to take cholesterol medicine.

I cringe in horror imagining what other nefarious plans might be written into law, but even if the policy is a lot more liberal than I imagine, I know one thing for sure: more taxes… a lot more. This means that my own national healthcare plan might be preempted because the dollars used to fund the budget of my Department of Health are competing with other needs such as those in my Departments of Housing.

I support a single national healthcare plan: my own. With whatever money you have left after paying taxes, I urge you to enact your own so that in the end, we will have over 300 million healthcare plans in this country, all approved and funded voluntarily. Perhaps the more people who decide to follow their own healthcare plan, the more likely they will reject one that is imposed on them.

Todd Steinberg [send him mail] works with his family at a wholesale teddy bear company in Dallas. In his spare time he is furiously working on his cartoon, "Don’t Tell My Wife I’m a Cult Leader," which he plans to unleash on the Internet and beyond in 2009.

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