Universal Government

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The cost of government has exploded in recent years and if we don't
act fast, the price will continue to soar, eventually leaving affordable
government out of the reach of many.

Already we have millions of people without government. You see
them all around you, hanging out on street corners, unemployed,
smoking pot, begging. Without explicitly provisioning for more government,
we will be responsible for these people anyway. We will have to
taser them and jail them and feed them. And that will mean an even
higher cost of government.

We are on the brink of disaster. And we can clearly see that the
private sector has failed. Unbridled capitalism has failed. Competition
among greedy, self-centered individuals has utterly failed to lower
the price of government. Only a public plan can hope to stall the
rapid and unsustainable growth in government.

Many people have already written to, called, or visited their legislators
about this current crisis. One woman broke down in tears when describing
her life without government. Fortunately, a kindly and gracious
politician immediately provided her some life-saving government,
but without drastic, quick action, millions of other Americans will
die without equal access.

With the new public option, people who wish to remain at their
current level of government can do so, but those who are ready to
step boldly into the future can opt in. The new plan offers not
only more government, but also better, more affordable government.
The essential insight is to allow those who opt into the public
option to not bear the costs of the plan. They can all get more
government for free.

Indeed, with more government, we can lower the cost of all government.
Administrative overhead will be minimized. Organizational synergies
can be effected. Just imagine how convenient it will be to pick
up your government at the same place where you get your mail or
recycle your garbage.

And it is not only that the direct costs of government will be
lowered with more government: there are numerous indirect costs
that will fall as well. Our justice system is plagued with multiple
private competitors suing each other over frivolous contract and
intellectual property violations. Individuals also sue corporations
for fraud or breach of contract, and vice versa. Many of these inefficient
judicial proceedings can be replaced with a single, effective federal
agency in charge of dispute resolution. The whole process can be
streamlined to ensure quick, accurate, and fair decisions to any

Furthermore, not only can we make government better, cheaper, and
more efficient by making it larger, we can also leverage these same
principles and apply them to other vital issues. We have been fighting
wars all across the globe for decades with no end in sight. We have
been legislating against climate change for years. We have been
regulating financial entities and maintaining a tight grip on health
care. We have been monopolizing the price of money.

We have been going about it all wrong. The right solution is more.
(The left solution is also more.) More soldiers will end the war
faster. More legislation will end pollution. More regulation will
stop our economic malaise and make everyone healthier. A bigger,
more secretive Federal Reserve will be able to issue more money
and keep the currency stronger.

But these changes should not be incremental or marginal. The mistake
we have been making is to think that we need "just a little
more" to accomplish our goals. This is an error. There is no
single piece of legislation short enough to be read by those voting
for it that can do what needs to be done.

To have maximal effect, we need sweeping new legislation and powers.
Powers so sweeping, we won't know for years or decades what they
really mean. In some cases, we may never find out. In the days and
weeks to come, you will be introduced to a variety of new agencies,
committees, and entities formed for the purpose of reducing the
costs of government and increasing the availability of government
to all. To the extent certain unavoidable payments are to be incurred,
they will be paid for through debt and various esoteric operations
by the Fed. And not to worry — even the future interest payments
will be paid for through new debt issues as needed.

We have indeed discovered a way to guarantee more government to
everybody with nobody of consequence paying more. We will be putting
this plan into action immediately, with or without your approval,
so you are encouraged to publicly express support for the plan in
order to be among the first to receive your generous share of the
increased government.

A glorious new world order is right around the corner, if only
we have the courage and conviction to see it through. Perhaps someday
we can all live in a world where no one wants any more government.

4, 2009

Dr. Phil
Maymin [send him mail] is an
Assistant Professor of Finance and Risk Engineering at the Polytechnic
Institute of New York University. He is the author of Free
Your Inner Yankee

and Yankee
Wake Up

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