What do we do now? That’s the question millions of Obama supporters asked themselves the morning after Election Day when the high of winning a historic election subsided. Waiting four years for their next fix was out of the question, so they’ve quickly been devising new ways to express their love and devotion for Barack Obama. Some have proposed creating a national holiday in honor of him, which I wholeheartedly support since any day the federal government takes off from work is a good day for all Americans.
However, I believe Obama’s supporters should redirect their energy towards an existing national holiday: Christmas. Santa Claus has been the king of Christmas far too long and I believe the time is right for a new Toymaker-in-Chief. The ugly truth is the only Santa Claus we’ve ever had has been an old white man and it is time for change.
As Santa Claus, Obama would make Christmas even better. For instance, the current Santa makes a list of naughty and nice children, and gifts them accordingly with either shiny new toys or lumps of coal. Obama Claus wouldn’t give coal to naughty children since it’s a polluting energy source and would instead leave behind a small can of ethanol. Not only does that teach misbehaving children a lesson, but it provides families with free fuel during the unforgiving winter months.
Naturally, you don’t want a true radical to take over operations at the North Pole, so allow me to point out some obvious similarities between Barack Obama and Santa Claus. Both began life as ordinary men, but over time people revered them as saints. Americans everywhere regard both Obama and Santa Claus as our economic saviors. Santa’s staunchest supporters, retailers, rely on his ability to inspire consumers to spend and make businesses profitable. Likewise, Obama’s supporters believe he can make us all prosperous soon after he is inaugurated… somehow.
The two men use earth-friendly vehicles: Obama owns a Prius and Santa Claus uses a sleigh powered by animals that feed on naturally growing tundra. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer even sports a non-incandescent light source on the end of his nose. I’m sure Obama would give up his Prius and graciously take the reigns of such an energy-efficient form of transportation if he were to become our next Santa.
Both Barack Obama and Santa Claus have numerous corporate sponsors. Though financial institutions such as Goldman Sachs have funded Obama’s campaign quite significantly this election cycle, I’m sure the Coca-Cola company would have fun creating a new advertising campaign depicting a big-bellied Obama balancing a boy on his lap who’s asking Santa for peace in Iraq, a job for Daddy and a bailout for the auto industry.
The most important similarity between Barack Obama and Santa Claus is that people love them for the same reason: they both deliver free gifts for anyone who deserves them. Just as naïve children believe Santa creates Barbies, bicycles, Legos and lightsabers using elves and magic, people believe Barack Obama can create homes, jobs, stimulus checks, college tuition, and healthcare using similar techniques.
Naturally, as children reach a certain point of intellectual maturity, they realize that Santa Claus is not real; that in fact the idea of Santa Claus is actually a massive redistribution program where money is taken from the producers (parents) and given to the non-producers (children). The children learn that only so much can be spent on toys before it cuts into money that must be spent on food, shelter and other necessities. Even at an early age, children become aware of this economic reality.
However, die-hard Obama supporters aren’t as keen as the children who awaken to the sobering fact that Santa’s plan for economic prosperity is nice in theory but impossible in practice. They believe we have the right to certain goods and services and do not care where it comes from or how much it costs. All they want is to wake up in the morning and see their entitlements appear underneath their Christmas tree.
Since there is virtually no difference between having either Barack Obama or the incumbent as our Santa, then why bother going through all the trouble of getting a new one anyway? In one word, change. This can be a historic Christmas and those who choose to support Obama as our next Santa Claus can all be a part of history.
Todd Steinberg [send him mail] works with his family at a wholesale teddy bear company in Dallas. In his spare time he is furiously working on his cartoon, "Don’t Tell My Wife I’m a Cult Leader," which he plans to unleash on the Internet and beyond in 2009.