George W. Bush has decided to "do
something" about the crashing stock market and credit crisis.
The United States' cheerleader-in-chief
has decided to hold a world economic summit with the stated purpose
of solving the world economic crisis and "unfreezing"
credit markets. Whew, what a relief. We can now lift the ban on
short-selling financial stocks, for no one would be so unwise to
short financial stocks knowing that George W. Bush and socialists
and central planners
from every corner of the globe are coming to the rescue.
Mr. Bush's proactive lead, I have decided to hold my own summit
to address and defeat another global evil, nasty, pernicious and
unrelenting force that weighs down our every move, a force that
ultimately reduces our lives and bodies to mere dust.
That nagging, evil force of course is: GRAVITY.
Gravity has forever limited my vertical leap, my ability to fly
and nastily and very predictably causes things that I release from
my hand to fall on the ground, often damaging them. This force affects
Main Street as much, if not more, than Wall Street for it places
limits on everyone's ability to throw a ball and causes every one
of us to shrink as we age!! In short, it is a force that
must be dealt with immediately. Our esteemed leader tells us that
as men we are masters of this universe and that as men we have the
power to control everything in it. The Emergency Gravity Summit
is my small effort to follow his enlightened lead. You can certainly
see the gravity of this problem. It is very likely that a result
of the Emergency Gravity Summit is that we will need to unite and,
yes, perhaps declare War on Gravity.
current fever-swamp Neanderthal view is that gravity is perhaps
an unchangeable, immutable law of physics that remains somewhat
of a mystery
and which man can only temporarily defy (e.g. through flight, by
jumping in the air, etc.), the purpose of the Emergency Gravity
Summit will be to identify ways to show that this is untrue or,
at a minimum, devise methods that will allow us to permanently defy
the supposed "law" of gravity.
we know that gravity does not "exist" in outer space,
the first proposal on the Emergency Gravity Summit agenda is to
identify ways to import the gravity-free void of outer space into
our atmosphere. This will require a permanent worldwide "deflationary"
policy whereby all of our atmospheric oxygen-rich air will be sucked
out of the atmosphere and piped into outer space. Because we know
how nature works and know that nature abhors a vacuum, gravity-fee
outer space will necessarily fill the void. Voil, no gravity!
If this remedy has the unfortunate effect of causing us to lose
all of the natural oxygen in our atmosphere and kills all worldly
animal and plant life, it will be worth it because we know that
gravity brings everyone and everything "down" (depressing,
isn't it?). Anyway, everyone must sacrifice if we are serious about
fighting gravity. Furthermore, we know that humans are intelligent
and adaptable mammals. We can chemically create oxygen in a lab
and all wear oxygen masks if necessary. That would actually be a
benefit because then we will be able to "control" our
oxygen supply. To date, plants have monopolized this process. No
plants, no monopoly, two birds with one stone.
There are of
course no guarantees that this will work because, as we know, there
are plenty of planets without our prolific atmosphere and those
planets are also mysteriously plagued
by gravity. Do not, however, be influenced by the nattering
nabobs of negativity who claim that the Emergency Gravity Summit
is nothing more than a black
hole. These backward, laissez faire, do nothing people do not
understand the nature of the crisis and refuse to "believe"
that we, as humans, have the power to control it. Do not let anyone
say we "did nothing" to address this serious problem.
And bring your checkbook.