Time Machine: Bomb-Bomb Iran

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“Long
before President McCain was elected,” the three-star general
said, “he hinted at attacking Iran in songs and jokes. After
the assault, he made his famous address. But we still need citizens
to more fully appreciate the victorious details of Operation Bodacious
Mayhem.”

The most senior
officers in each of the armed services nodded, while the young officer
inhaled deeply, then began his briefing. “Very well, sir. As
we all know, soon after his inauguration, President McCain ordered
the attack on Iran on Jan. 29, 2009.

“Carried
out with support from Israel and Britain, it hit at least 10 targets
with tactical nuclear weapons and nearly 800 other targets with
conventional weapons.

It is difficult
for the White House to say whether it destroyed an Iranian nuclear
weapons program because intelligence agencies said it did not exist
anyway. Approximately 350,000 civilians and military were said to
be casualties.”

“We know
this already,” an admiral gently said.

“On Jan.
30,” the major continued, “two small tankers were scuttled
in the Straits of Hormuz, presumably by Iranian frogmen, effectively
closing the channel for around three months if there are no hostilities.
This drove the price of crude oil from $142 a barrel to $187.”

The man continued:
“On Feb. 3, a land-to-land missile struck the giant Saudi oil
refinery almost in line of sight from the Iranian coast, causing
at least six months in suspended production and a significant drop
in Saudi oil exports. The price of oil rose to $233.

“On Feb.
15, President Ahmedinejad, declaring that Iranians would ‘eat
grass if need be,’ halted all Iranian oil production and said
the wells were mined to discourage foreign invasion. Oil rose to
$288 a barrel. Both Russia and Venezuela are threatening to reduce
oil sales, or divert them to China from Europe, protesting the first
use of nukes since 1945.”

“Japan,”
he added, “having depleted only six weeks of strategic oil
reserves, is in open free fall. China and Korea, with less than
three months’ reserves each, have ordered industry onto three-day
working weeks. With investors expecting an economic meltdown in
the Pacific Basin, the value of the world’s stock markets fell
28 percent before their respective governments ordered them closed
10 days ago. That raised the cost of oil to around $342 a barrel
today.”

“We expected
some repercussions,” a major general said, and a few others
nodded.

“There
have been political aftershocks,” the speaker explained. “Anti-American
riots broke out in at least 88 cities worldwide, and the American
ambassadors and their families were killed by mobs in Indonesia,
Kenya and Colombia. The royal family of Qatar was assassinated eight
days ago, and it is still unclear who is in charge because of fighting
among Sunni radical groups. The governments of Jordan and Egypt
are tottering, and either may fall before the weekend. Oil is expected
to rise to more than $400 a barrel within two weeks.”

“As I
told President Ahmedinejad this morning and our beloved supreme
leader, Seyyid Ali Hoseyni Khamenei, just afterward,” he concluded,
“our strategy has been an enormous success. There is now not
a thing that America can do to avoid its own economic destruction
or that of its allies, suppliers and customers. We suffered terribly
from their bloodlust, but our revenge is fuller and sweeter.”

The leaders
of the Iranian army, navy and air force rose to their feet, applauding.

Reprinted from The DC
Examiner
with permission.

September
13, 2008

S.J. Masty
[send him mail], a former
Washington speechwriter, is an international communication consultant
based in London. He is a contributor to the Examiner newspaper group.

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