My National Healthcare Plan

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I am not big
on national policies. I believe as many decisions as possible should
be made by the individual since there are big advantages when compared
to making decisions as a nation. For instance, when I commit to
an action it’s always a unanimous decision, so there is zero chance
of vetoes, strikes, or revolts. The money spent towards the decision
was given to me voluntarily and appropriated without pork barrel
spending, featherbedding, or corruption.

Another advantage
of making decisions at the individual level is that the authority
and responsibility rest with me. If my decisions do not bear the
fruit I had in mind, I can quickly rectify the plan rather than
waiting until the next election cycle to throw the bum out. I am
the sovereign, the pater familias of my own person. I am
a nation of one.

So when it
comes to healthcare, I have my own national plan that I signed into
law about two years ago. Once again, it was a nonpartisan decision,
thoroughly studied, budgeted correctly, and it currently enjoys
widespread support throughout the dominion. Essentially, all inhabitants
must commit to five sessions of yoga and six sessions of cardiovascular
exercise a week, and must limit the amount of food taken into the
body, especially sweets and fatty foods. All citizens supplement
their diet with fish oil, multivitamins, and plenty of fruits and
vegetables. Occasionally, the healthcare plan calls for periodic
acupuncture sessions, massages and chiropractic adjustments.

I have enacted
other measures that keep healthcare costs down. For instance, alcohol
and intoxicating drugs are banned and prohibited from entering the
nation. I’m able to enforce this policy without a drug enforcement
agency because I run a very tight border patrol. Also, my national
healthcare plan is underwritten by Blue Cross Blue Shield in case
any of my citizens require hospitalization.

I am not a sovereign nation. I am actually about three or
four levels down in a vast tributary system where much of my money
is taken from me before I get it. Some of that money goes to pay
for a healthcare system that helps the elderly, the poor, and the
vets, but at least with the money I have left over I can fund my
own plan over which I have complete control… for now.

My big fear
is that before too long, my national healthcare plan may cease to
exist. I see it being pushed to the margins if a United States healthcare
plan gets brought into being. It could be that the doctor types
I hire and supplements I use might be banned outright or bureaucratized
into inaccessibility. I would wager that if a national healthcare
act were enacted, the bill would be written almost exclusively by
the pharmaceutical industry and thus the cure or balm for anything
would be a drug. That’s the major reason I don’t go to regular doctors;
you tell them your symptoms and they look them up in a big book
and prescribe a pill. The presumed relationship between a person’s
health and the right pill is so strong, that the
industry is now urging children to take cholesterol medicine.

I cringe in
horror imagining what other nefarious plans might be written into
law, but even if the policy is a lot more liberal than I imagine,
I know one thing for sure: more taxes… a lot more. This means
that my own national healthcare plan might be preempted because
the dollars used to fund the budget of my Department of Health are
competing with other needs such as those in my Departments of Housing.

I support a
single national healthcare plan: my own. With whatever money you
have left after paying taxes, I urge you to enact your own
so that in the end, we will have over 300 million healthcare plans
in this country, all approved and funded voluntarily. Perhaps the
more people who decide to follow their own healthcare plan, the
more likely they will reject one that is imposed on them.

15, 2008

Todd Steinberg
[send him mail] works with
his family at a wholesale
teddy bear company
in Dallas. In his spare time he is furiously
working on his cartoon, "Don't Tell My Wife I'm a Cult Leader,"
which he plans to unleash on the Internet and beyond in 2008.

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