Disaster: A Day in the Life

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One day last

10:00 a.m.
— Comrade Hank "The Knife" Paulson: Housing woes will
last months, not years. (RGEmonitor.com blog entry.)

10:01 a.m.
— Case Shiller index: Home prices continue acceleration downward,
falling 15.8 percent in May from a year earlier, a record decline.
Previous record set in April. Record before that set in March. It's
a trifecta.

10:02 a.m.
— Comrade Paulson: Economy is sound.

10:03 a.m.
— Merrill Lynch CEO John Thain: "Right now we believe that
we are in a very comfortable spot in terms of our capital."

10:04 a.m.
— Merrill dumps bonds at 22 cents on the dollar, takes $5.7 billion
write-down, to issue $8.5 billion in new stock as demand for suckers
matches supply of one born every minute. Merrill hailed as heroes
for coming clean. Still sitting on $43.7 billion of mortgage nitro.
Short sellers send out call for blasting caps.

10:05 a.m.
— Federales announce market price-fixing scheme to save Daddy Warbucks
and banks. Marines mobilized to gun down short sellers.

10:06 a.m.
— Capitano Lucas, locked and loaded, hiding under Alamo bed: Worldwide
write-downs now past $400 billion. Chump change. At least $1.6 trillion
to go. Buy gold.

10:07 a.m.
— Comrade George "Bolshevik" Bush: The economy is resilient.

10:08 a.m.
— White House: Comrade Bush starts signing Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac
bailout in smoke-filled room full of bankers. Resilient taxpayers
put on hook for $5.3 trillion in toxic mortgage portfolios. Reckless
lending rewarded. Home mortgage limit raised past $600,000, spurring
resilience in Fannie/Freddie mortgage portfolios, as they will balloon
like roadkill, turning $5.3 trillion problem into $10 trillion problem.

10:09 a.m.
— U.S. House of Ill Repute, between indictments, apologizes for
slavery. Raises debt limit to $10.6 trillion, ensuring all citizens
are enslaved to debt till hell freezes over. Low-income Americans
of all races get special Tuskegee inflation treatment of hideous
price rises.

10:10 a.m.
— Nouriel Roubini, professor of economics at New York University:
We are privatizing profits and socializing losses. It is "socialism
for Wall Street, the rich and the well connected."

10:11 a.m.
— Federales denounce Professor Roubini as enemy of the state. Marines
sent in to effect arrest.

10:12 a.m.
— Capitano Lucas: More guns and groceries, please.

10:13 a.m.
— Comrade Ben Bernanke: Federal Reserve to extend loan program for
gang of market manipulators: its primary Wall Street dealers. Resilient
working stiffs on hook for trillions more.

10:14 a.m.
— State Department announces sale of Manhattan to Abu Dhabi, considers
merger of Singapore and California.

10:15 a.m.
— Commerce Dept.: Economy grew 1.9 percent in second quarter. Credits
tax stimulus checks.

10:16 a.m.
— White House: Deficit will explode to $482 billion next year. Blames
tax stimulus checks.

10:17 a.m.
— Capitano Lucas: Resilient taxpayers on hook for $482 billion more.
Get permit for Alamo bunker expansion.

10:18 a.m.
— Tampa strip club owner says more women willing to give pole dancing
a try. Credits economy.

10:19 a.m.
— Wanted: The Alamo is now accepting applications for wenches. Lusty
demeanor. Hands-on job. Will train. Ask for Dick or Pedro.

10:20 a.m.
— Comrade Barack Obama announces economic stimulus plan, proposes
sending in Marines to loot oil companies and bribe American households
with $1,000 checks. Thousands with pitchforks and torches chant,
"Yes, we can!"

10:21 a.m.
— Comrade Obama announces energy plan. Centerpiece of platform:
Drivers must put more air in tires. Thousands cheer and faint.

10:22 a.m.
— Comrade John McCain invades Panama. Sends in country star to whip
up crowd before thousands nod off.

10:23 a.m.
— 51,000 lose jobs. Six-month body count now nears a half million.

10:24 a.m.
— Comrade Bush finishes signing bank/homeowner bailout plan. Centerpiece:
A hotdog in every pot, one used bicycle and a 30-day supply of rice
and beans. Sends tab to resilient American workers. Return mail:
Address Unknown.

10:25 a.m.

2, 2008

Lucas [send him mail] is the
executive editor of the Panama City News Herald.

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