The TSA Peep Show

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It’s not anything new and revealing that America has gone insane. We all know that. But now our favorite bloated Federal Bureaucracy (as if we could pick one over any other), the Transportation Security Administration has taken one step beyond common decency.

It’s bad enough that TSA has turned the experience of flying into a total nightmare. But now they want to ogle our private parts! Yes, that’s right voyeurism is part of the TSA "experience." No you don’t get to uh… enjoy it. They do.

In the interests of providing even more "security" TSA is installing charming scanning booths that see-through clothes! Oh boy, now the filthy little TSA pervs can see what goodies you have hidden.

Of course, they claim they are looking for weapons, explosives… toothpaste. But I don’t buy it. Are we seriously to believe that the happy snickering face, safely hidden in another room, drooling over the scanner wouldn’t be arrested as a Peeping Tom… in a "normal" world that is?

I thought sex offenders went to the slammer and then had to register their whereabouts after they were released. Why bother? They’re down at the airport. And they are getting paid to do it!

Do the inspectors have to put in a quarter to view the passengers? If so, who supplies all the quarters? Oh… let’s be democratic and let the victims pay for their own "security." Sorry miss, you are going to have to give us a quarter so we can check out your… check out your… uh… naughty bits. The TSA perverts will get to see a lot more than those nail clippers they’re going to confiscate!

Oh but not to worry. While the TSA dirty old men … and women, let’s be fair… examine your "features" your face will be blurred out. Oh right! That makes me feel real secure! It’s not my face I want to keep private! Come on, they don’t call them "privates" for nothing.

And we thought the pat-down search was humiliating.

Now, I’m no constitutional expert or lawyer. But then that probably allows me to understand the constitution rather than become totally confused while seeking ways to reinterpret it to suit some diabolical agenda. But, it seems to me, security scanners that see through clothes are mighty close to violating the Fourth Amendment.

Here it is. What do you think?

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Hm… would you feel secure in your person while standing in a peep booth at the airport during your holiday trek across country to grandmother’s house? Do you think see through scanners might be unreasonable searches? And where’s the probable cause, warrant and oath or affirmation describing the place to be searched? Do we have to go to the dirty bookstore to find it? Do you suppose you might feel violated?

Rest assured wayfaring strangers, TSA promises that there will be no dirty pictures stored in their computers banks. Oh yeah?! Do they think we’re stupid?

In these days of domestic spying in the Rabidly Paranoid States of America, it’s only a matter of time before some Democratic Dictator decides that we need to keep all photos of everybody’s tattoos, surgical scars, colostomy bags and genitalia on file. One never knows what evils lurk inside a colostomy bag!

As things are right now, the pat down or peep show humiliation exam is a random check. Hm… you don’t suppose that attractive women with large breasts just might be "randomly" chosen at a slightly higher "random" rate than grandmothers?

Possibly TSA Peep Show Booths will inspire a revolution in fashion. Let’s go retro and bring back Valkyrie breastplates and chastity belts for women and codpieces for men… all made out of metal of course. That’ll put the kibosh on their jollies.

For now, travelers beware. If you’re not the type to display your "assets" to total strangers, choose the pat-down option while you still have the choice. Or, better yet, avoid the big airports where TSA is installing their adult toys, like Los Angeles or Miami or New York or Washington or Dallas or… pick one. It’s a safe bet they have TSA Peep Show Booths. Best to fly to Podunk and hitch a ride… don’t forget to chip in for the gas.

Oh heckers! I’ve got the solution! In the future all airline passengers will be required to fly naked. There. That should make TSA happy… the filthy little preeverts!

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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