Two terms of gloriously delusional leadership are poised come to an end next January. What will we do without our old toga chum Dubya? He’s a tough act to follow. Who can possibly replace the worst US president in history?
At one thing Americans do excel: picking lousy presidents. James Bryce writing in 1888 observed: u201Cthe ordinary American voter does not object to mediocrity. He has a lower conception of the qualities requisite to make a statesman than those who direct public opinion in Europe have.u201D
Yeah that’s it! Senator Mediocre Buffoon for President! If Americans could clone, we could resurrect a real stinker. We’d have so many to choose from.
However, I have no fear that quality will taint the White House anytime in the foreseeable future. Bush’s replacement… as if anyone could replace The Decider… may just be as deranged and confused!
That’s right, you guessed right. The secret word for tonight is: "Amnesia!" The Moron-in-Chief is likely to be replaced by the Amnesiac-in-Chief. We’re talking about Boom Boom McCain. Or is that Bam Bam? I forget. No wait… It’s Bomb Bomb McCain. Oh what’s the difference?
I’ll bet Dubya feels a certain degree of optimism. If McCain wins the big Booby Prize, he’s all set to follow in Bush’s goose steps and may score even lower opinion polls.
Yes! Your new Boom Boom (flows off the B-2 better than Bomb Bomb) comes fully loaded with "Dubya Vision"™ (soon to be available over the counter). A modern medical miracle, DV™ confers a magical ability to only see what one’s handlers make up… And then promptly forget it!
So, how has Dubya Vision enhanced the mind of John Sidney McCain III? Sidney? Have there really been three of them too?
Didn’t Boom Boom have something to do with that monster in the closet The Military Commissions Act of 2006? I thought he was opposed to it… but I forget… just like he does.
Intended to rein in Dubya’s uncontrollable lust for imprisonment and torture, in fact the MCA ’06 has given the man… or woman… holding the POTUS card dictatorial power to use whatever "enhanced interrogation techniques" he or she wants to whomever he or she wants for as long as he or she wants. Thomas de Torquemada would turn green with envy.
In the end however, wasn’t Boom Boom up there center stage embracing the whole kit and caboodle?
From Day One his campaign for the GOP nomination has been plagued with boners. In March 2007, Christina Bellantoni wrote in the Washington Times: "Sen. John McCain yesterday apologized for saying the lives of the troops killed fighting the war in Iraq were u2018wasted,’ becoming the latest White House hopeful recanting his word choice within hours of announcing 2008 candidacy."
Troops "wasted" in Iraq? That may be the last time we hear "straight talk" from John Boy. Pick your definition of "wasted." They’re both offensive and they’re both accurate.
However, all was lollypops and rainbows during that afternoon stroll through the Baghdad market. The way McCain described things you’d have thought he took a visit to Universal’s City Walk above Hollywood. The flak jacket, the troops, the snipers, the Blackhawk helicopters, the Apache gunships… what a great show! Never mind that a heap of merchants with whom McCain was chummy turned up dead a few days later. Maybe the merchants’ relatives were able to sell McCain autographs to pay for the funerals? One must not collaborate with the enemy!
And what’s the most recent McCain scoop? The surge is working. Still? In a camel’s humps it’s working. But since Bush instigated surging as a result of McCain’s urging, you’d better believe Boom Boom is going to stay the course and back his, I mean Bush’s surge. How many more surges does he have up his pants leg?
Makes you wonder what Iraqi cleric and leader of the Mahdi Army Muqtada al-Sadr thinks about one hundred years of imperialist American occupation? Somehow, I don’t think he’d give it a thumbs up, do you? What a sourpuss! He needs Dubya Vision big time.
Frankly, it’s al-Sadr who controls the level of violence or peace in Iraq. Neither what remains of Bush’s much vaunted "coalition of the willing," nor Iranian loudmouth President Ahmadinejad, let alone the Iraqi puppet government, does more than react. All al-Sadr needs to do is release the hounds and all hell will break loose again.
Thanks to Dubya Vision, McCain knows who the enemy is! It’s the Sunni al-Qaeda in Iraq, which is trained by Shi’ite Iran… Say what? Well, fortunately Boom Boom had Senator Joe Lieberman there to straighten him out. Hm… do you think Lieberman will be McCain’s choice as his number-one handler… kind of like Dick Cheney? What a happy thought.
Why does Dubya have such a low approval rating while McCain seems to be riding a wave of support? Has the war on drugs failed to halt the flow of Dubya Vision? Does America really want four, or eight, or one hundred more years of imperialism, illegal wars and bankruptcy? Does America really want to be hated as the bullies of the world? This is what Bush brought to the table. McCain intends to stay the course regardless of the outcome.
Do we really want these things?
But now, ask yourself, what has been Dubya’s biggest black mark? Was it the economic collapse, or the shredding of the Constitution, or Geneva Convention violations at Abu Ghraib, and Gitmo? Was it inflation at the gas pump or record home foreclosures? Was it all that eavesdropping on your text messages? Sorry John Doe. It’s something much worse.
The reason for Bush’s unpopularity is that the invasion of Iraq has not been a cakewalk. American troops were not met with flowers. The war in Iraq has been worse than a humanitarian, military and economic disaster… It has been… and I shudder at the thought… an embarrassment!
We Americans hate to be embarrassed. We are accustomed to being on the winning team. This, then, is the origin of Boom Boom McCain’s popularity. As a friend so succinctly put it: "Obama and Clinton are Communists! Pray to God McCain can pull a rabbit out of the hat!" I have no doubt McCain believes there is a rabbit in his hat but hadn’t he better ask a Secret Service Agent to remove it? It might be a member of al-Qaeda in Iran… uh… I mean Iraq.
Thanks to enhanced delusional techniques, Boom Boom McCain has a history of not simply flip-flopping but as concluded by Steve "The Carpetbagger" Benen: "The new McCain completely disagrees with the old McCain."
You don’t suppose Boom Boom can’t remember which foot he stuck in his mouth last week? Gee… was it the left or the right foot? Is the war in Iraq going to be over soon or last one hundred years? To whom is he related, Scottish king Robert the Bruce or is it First Lady Laura Bush? Time to call in the honorable Senator from Connecticut: Hey Joe! Can you straighten Boom Boom out on these confusing issues?
As president, McCain could bomb the wrong country, misplace the red telephone, face Jerusalem by accident while trying out his new $5 prayer rug. He’d make the ideal president of a country that ships fuses for nuclear weapons to Taiwan by mistake. But that’s okay as long as losing another war does not embarrass us.
Bet you my last tab of Prozac that in November, more than enough voters will pack up their embarrassments in the old kit bag, jump on the Dubya Vision Express with McCrazy and smile, smile, smile.
Note to all out loyal readers: I must give credit where credit is due and thank Elizabeth Gyllensvard for all her expert help. Without her I would not have been able to write half as many stories half as well. Many of the cleverest comments were her ideas, such as "Dubya Vision" which I had a lot of fun with. Also she is a tireless researcher. Without her dedicated work, I would have been just some bum talking out of his hat. Thank you dearly, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth Gyllensvard is retiring from the column to spend more time with her newts.
Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean. Elizabeth Gyllensvard [send her mail] no longer lives in Washington D.C., and spends her time reading British history.