Obesity Abatement: A Modest Proposal

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In eighteenth century Ireland, Jonathan Swift’s satire A Modest Proposal advised the poor to sell their children as food for the rich. In twenty-first century America, our problems and obsessions still revolve around food, so I write this satire for those who believe in a one-size-fits-all solution to our health problems.

Since the government’s main job is to protect the people, then we as loyal servants of the government should think of ways to aid our beloved government in this duty. One of the leading problems of our country is obesity; it is best to defer the job of combating this epidemic to our government. As it is today, the free market has led our country down to a very low level of health security. With so many food and beverage choices, coupled with the perversity of marketing and advertising, it is in the people’s best interest to allow the government to manage the obesity epidemic for us rather than leaving it to the voracious and decadent nature that is inherent in the free market.

I propose that our next President creates a Department of Nutrition and Wellness to address these health problems. Within 20 years of its foundation, heart disease, diabetes, hypertension, and many forms of cancer could be eliminated. Life expectancy could surge by decades, and the increased general health of the population would allow American workers to produce well until their eighties. Healthcare costs would lower and therefore so would insurance premiums. The savings could be so significant that a national health care system could then be easily affordable.

Naturally, a plan of this magnitude should be researched and voted upon by congressional committee, but in the interest of possibilities, I envision the protocol to go something like this: every citizen would be given five meal cards a day – breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks. Each meal would be carefully measured for both caloric content and maximum nutrition.  The meal cards would be distributed by the local department subsidiary and turned in by the citizens at a conveniently located Nutrition Resource Center. The meals will be of the ready-to-eat variety to aid working families.

Doctors have long said that the road to proper health is incomplete without regular exercise. Gentle aerobics has been determined to be one of the very best exercises for promoting proper circulation, digestion, and overall well-being. Therefore the Nutrition and Wellness Department would include a department-mandated exercise program consisting of a daily morning regimen of calisthenics overseen by the Neighborhood Kinesiology Corps.  Citizens would be free and even encouraged to exercise in addition to the morning program, but the exercise must be limited to routines that do not involve the degeneration of the joints, such as jogging. Sports would be permitted if played in professional stadiums, on school grounds, or in other public venues by teams and organizations that have received departmental approval.

Proper water consumption would be compulsory; each citizen would be given a water vessel that would combine the best in available monitoring technologies. Sensors on the vessel would determine how many times a day the vessel was filled and emptied. Another sensor would know whether or not the citizens filled their eight daily glasses of water at a regular pace throughout the day or if they cheated by quickly filling up the vessels and pouring them out. Since vessel sensor technology at this time cannot determine if the citizens are actually consuming the water, department doctors will monitor their hydration levels regularly.

In a perfect world, everyone would follow the government’s mandate to the best of his or her ability, but since this utopia cannot be quickly or universally realized, measures must be taken to fully win the War on Obesity. Unfortunately, there will be dissenters who will infringe on the general citizenry’s well being by consuming more than their allocated share of food. Some of these dissenters may go so far as growing their own food in order to satisfy their unpatriotic gluttony. When caught, the criminals will be taken to rendition camps where they will be re-nutritioned to the American standard. After their national target rate is reached and maintained for an adequate amount of time, they will be released under supervision into the general public and monitored for a period of time.

Though the government would be sympathetic to those who commit the crime of overconsumption on the first offense, it goes without saying that subsequent offenses of overeating, including the deplorable act of buying, selling, and trading of meal cards will be strictly prohibited and punishable by fines, and repeat offenders will be imprisoned. Cracking down on the private sales of unused meal cards must be made a priority by the department. The enforcement branch of the Department of Nutrition and Wellness will ensure that our nation’s health is not jeopardized by the small percentage of the population who wish to impinge on the rights of law-abiding citizens.

The private ownership of livestock and crops on any scale would be prohibited. Landscaping would be allowed, but citizens must register each species of grass, plant and tree used in their yards to ensure that they are not inadvertently growing edible produce or grain.  To protect the citizenry from being abused by criminals, the department must accredit all landscape and horticultural companies to ensure that they are only selling government-approved plants and shrubbery.

Pets would also be allowed, but must similarly be on an approved list of animals that are not commonly consumed by Americans. To ensure lawfulness, proof of the animal's life must be provided to the government on a semi-annual basis. Upon the pet’s demise, it must be cremated within 12 hours and have its ashes and RFID chip sent to the department for verification that the pet’s body was disposed of in a lawful manner and not illegally consumed.

In conclusion, these are just a few of the ways the Department of Nutrition and Wellness can aid America in becoming more nutritionally efficient through this masterfully crafted program.  As the population becomes healthier due to the implementation of the program, Americans, who would no longer burdened by obesity-related diseases, will find freedoms and joys that they never knew they had.  As the program gains traction here in America, it can be shared in other parts of the world where the people still rely on archaic methods to meet their nutritional needs.

March 14, 2008