Yo! Mitt dude! Greetings to a fellow comrade-in-arms against the Forces of Evil! I’ve heard through the world’s most diverting grapevine, The First Post out of the UK, that you are "disgusted."
Well, welcome to the club Bro! Along with a few million other Americans and not less than several billion non-Americans, we’re all disgusted now. It’s The Age of Disgust. Expect the musical version to open soon. I hear it’ll be better than Cats.
So what’s the beef? You say the problem is Vlad the Putin being named Time magazine’s Person of the Year?
Tell you what is disgusting: Freedom of the press. Why isn’t Time bowing down at the altar of American exceptionalism? The First Amendment can really gunk up the works of despotism. The heck with John Peter Zenger. You are aiming for the role of America’s Next Despot, right? That pesky First amendment needs an overhaul: we know that the truth is libelous.
But, be… "honest" (my little joke). Don’t tell me you think Time’s Person of the Year nomination is on a par with the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval? Oh come on! In past years, plenty of pond scum scalawags have been named Person of the Year by Time. Just look at the list of former "honorees!"
In order that you need not click on the link, I’ll point out some choice winners… just for you. Okay, we have three-time winner FDR (Franklin Delano Roosevelt). Some feel he was a great leader… but well, a tad power mad don’t ‘cha think? And then his successor, Harry S. Truman who not only needlessly nuked the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki but also established the CIA… he made it twice. Time’s essay on Truman seems rather skimpy on the accolades. Winston — "But I shall be sober in the morning." — Churchill also made it twice. Hear! Hear! I’ll drink to that… and drink… and drink… and driblikn… nd…
Okay… it’s morning. Where was I? Oh yeah… let’s continue with Time’s list. Here’s that good All ‘Merican Patriot… LBJ! The man who BBQed Vietnam! Every year on LBJ’s birthday, we have a memorial BBQ out back in the swamp. I always make sure to light the coals with about five gallons of gasoline. Nothing beats the smell of Napalm to get the gastric juices flowing. In a gesture to recognize the fine work of pyromania worldwide, Time chose Lyndon Baines Johnson twice. Tough luck, Colonel Kurtz.
1971 saw that paranoid pup-owner, Richard Milhous Nixon get the Time kudos. Poor Tricky Dick had to share it with Henry Kissinger in 1972. Is there no justice in the world?
Had Time been published in 1861, Abraham Lincoln would have been Man of the Year. It’s always a good editorial decision to hand out the Big Banana before they start their genocidal wars.
Looking at the roster of American presidents, I simply cannot understand why we’re hated worldwide. Can you?
But I digress.
While we are on the subject of Time honorees eager to lead the Fatherland… uh… I mean Homeland (oh, what’s the difference?), look at who made it in 2001! America’s Mayor and your nemesis… Rudy Giuliani! Eight years of the George and Dick show will seem like Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood if Rudy weasels into the Oval Office. Bombs away! Distinguished only by his ability to scramble to the top of a funeral pyre made of three big buildings and the remains of three thousand or so Americans, Mr. Giuliani’s Tourette’s syndrome begins and ends with three digits… 911, 911, 911, 911… If my dog barked that out all day and night I’d give him to Princes Judith… but then, she already has one.
Maybe we should shut off America’s virtual fence for a moment and look beyond our red, white and blue Wall of Ignorance. We don’t want to be accidentally mistaken for El Chupacabra sneaking across the border and get tasered, don’t you know.
Gadzooks! Look who else has been named Time magazine Person of the Year! The winner of the grand prize in 1938 was… Adolf Hitler! Josef Stalin followed the "little corporal" in 1939! I told you. Best to give out the awards before the genocide begins. Well, no wonder you’re disgusted. Putin can’t hold a candle to those two mass murderers. However, if war crimes are criteria, well how about George W. Bush? Be patient, la lucha libre fans, we’re coming to that: Time would never dream of leaving out The Big Dubya.
But first while we’re on the subject of Red State Monsters, I thought that was the designation for card-carrying Commie Preeverts. When did that change? Isn’t there something ironic about naming "Red" those states that favor the GOP? Oh well, Better Red than Hillary, right?
Nikita Khrushchev was Time’s Big Kahuna in 1957. By condemning the excesses of the Stalinist years in his "Secret Speech" of 1956, Khrushchev helped the USSR regain its self-respect. Encouraged by Time’s nod of approval, the Soviet leader went on to add new techniques to his social graces… or maybe the heel of his shoe was just coming lose.
In our multi-culti world, Time has honored Mid-Eastern leaders. Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini brought home the bacon in 1979. How disgusting is that? That was the year that Americans were hankering for Kenny Rogers to get the glory. We’d better bomb Iran back to the Stone Age. Never mind that Khomeini is dead. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will do just dandy… along with a few million innocent civilians.
Mitt, I still don’t know why you’re so upset. Wait a minute! I get it! Is it that… you didn’t win? Quit your bellyaching! Hey The Concord Monitor saw fit to "honor" you with their two-thumbs down award.
Listen up Willard old chum… excuse me! That’s your real first name. If you’re being honest, how about starting by using what’s written on your birth certificate. And it’s a cool name if you want to rule over a collection of congressional rats.
Anyway… not only does The Concorde Monitor find you disgusting but also New Hampshire’s own ultra conservative Union-Leader had these kind words: "In this primary, the more Mitt Romney speaks, the less believable he becomes. That is why Granite Staters who have listened attentively are now returning to John McCain. They might not agree with McCain on everything, as we don’t, but like us, they judge him to be a man of integrity and conviction, a man who won’t sell them out, who won’t break his promises, and who won’t lie to get elected."
Rowerbazzle! That’s not a good sign when the hometown folk prefer Flip-Flop McCain, father of the Military Commissions Act of 2006, to you because he has… integrity!
Maybe you need to go save some more little lost girls from the evil clutches of the Sharks or Jets lurking in the underbelly of New York City.
Dude! It may not be in the cards for you to be America’s Next Top Dictator, hopefully, which means you may never have a crack at violating those quaint Geneva Conventions. I don’t care how much money you’ve spent. And if you — and the rest of the world — get lucky, you won’t be sworn in on the Capitol steps. Unless Rudy beats you to the punch and snags the brass ring… then everybody loses.
Oh, stop pouting. I’m wishing you all the best. The office of President of the United States is a pusillanimous snake pit. I don’t wish that on my worst enemy. I didn’t even wish that on… George W. Bush. In fact, I did my best to wish that away, but my Fairy Godmother wears an orange jumpsuit, is blasted 24/7 by rap music, takes frequent baths and resides in a cement cubical in Cuba.
Oh yeah… while we’re at it, since Tomas de Torquemada is unavailable for consultations on proper advanced interrogation techniques, I hear you’re going to have a talk with Blackwater’s Cofer Black to see if water boarding is torture. Good choice! You’ll get the answer you want and you won’t have to submit to it yourself!
But wait! Do I smell brimstone? Speaking of the devil, fanfare of trumpets if you please, George W. Bush has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year… twice! Once in 2000 for stealing the election and again in 2004 for… uh… stealing the election.
And you don’t find all of this disgusting?
Well, some of us out here in the getting-tired-of-being-the-silent-majority do find Dubya a tad more disgusting than Vladimir Putin.
If Time’s choice is offensive to you, just cancel your subscription, pronto. Maybe it’s best if you just stick to The Weakly Slandered… or Mad magazine… there’s not much difference.
Whatever Putin may have done to disgust you so much cannot possibly compare to lying to start a war that has a) killed over a million people, b) turned four million people into refugees, and c) bankrupted the United States. Bush’s resume is fattened by his successful clogging of the White House plumbing with the US Constitution, his creation of a police state and his pulverizing of the middle class. By aggressive use of torture, trashing nuclear treaties, and private military contractors Bush has turned the US into the most despised nation in the world. What a stunning list of dastardly deeds. Did I miss anything? Of course I did. There are too many offenses committed by George W. Bush to list and keep this essay shorter than the Constitution of the state of Alabama or the Los Angeles phone directory listings for litigation attorneys and plastic surgeons… combined.
Mitt old boy, the offense you find "disgusting" was manufactured right here in the good old U.S. of A. Funny that you should want any part of carrying on the tradition. Well, there’s no accounting for taste.
Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
