“And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.”
~ George W. Bush, interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007
The combined intelligence of the entire Federal Government can’t be greater than a troop of howler monkeys. All candidates for and all appointees to government office should be given a special IQ test before they are allowed to "serve" the people. Tests that measure intelligence by a point scale are suspect: They can be faked. I’m sure Big Bush bought a few extra points for Little Bush. No, they should be given a special test, which measures how quickly they can fail. We’ll call it the Stupidity Quotient Test.
It’s an easy test, naturally. All the questions are multiple guess. Here are some example questions:
1. You are a member of Congress that is weighing whether or not to fund the Federal Abstinence Program. You will:
- Insert language requiring funding for the DC Madam‘s "adult fantasy service."
- Set a good example of abstinence by not voting.
- Ask Larry Craig how many taps of the foot are a vote of aye.
2. You are a member of Congress that is weighing whether or not to appropriate $X billion for munitions to be sent to Iraq. Choose one:
- Vote aye if you get a kickback from the arms manufacturers and dealers.
- Vote aye if you get a free trip to Israel.
- Vote aye if your keeper brings you a banana.
3. You are a member of Congress that is weighing whether or not to approve a new bill granting the executive branch more "energy" to protect America. You choose to:
- Vote aye even though you have not read the bill but you do not want to appear "soft on terror."
- Vote aye even though you have not read the bill but you do not want to appear "soft on immigration."
- Vote aye even though you have not read the bill but you do not want to appear "soft in the eyes of Pastor John Hagee."
4. You are a member of Congress who has been insulted in a speech from the floor by a Senator. You:
- March into a session of the Senate and cane the offending Senator into unconsciousness.
- March into a session of the Senate and bludgeon the offending Senator into unconsciousness
- Jump up and down and howl like a baboon during a session of the Senate and then club the offending Senator into unconsciousness.
You see? The only way to pass this test is to throw it away as absurd. All the questions are trick questions.
So what’s on the agenda to see how quickly Congress scores another goose egg on the SQ test? Another $46 billion to "support the troops"? Sure, why not? It’s only money. Bush’s October "spending proposal brings the total current fiscal year request for Iraq, Afghanistan and counterterrorism operations to $196.4 billion." Peter Baker of the Washington Post adds that, "if approved by Congress in its entirety, it would bring the total appropriated since then to more than $800 billion. At their current rate, war appropriations could reach $1 trillion by the time Bush leaves office."
Now, let’s see how quickly our collection of Steven Hawk Kings in Congress can fail the next question. We know they can appropriate money, but can they keep track of what they’ve bought… or count beyond twenty? As reported by CBS news, the Pentagon Inspector General cannot account for $1 billion worth of military accoutrements meant for the Iraqi security forces. That’s one heck of a lot of kabobs!
A whole passel of guns, kaboomers, bazookas, go-karts and you name-its are missing… again?! "Fool me once, shame on — shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again." Oh well, you know what I mean.
How many times have supplies or money been sent to Iraq slated for their "security forces" only to disappear into the Baghdad Black Hole? The number must be expanding exponentially. And yet… The Lord of the Monkeys in his finite wisdom continually asks for more money and Congress continually gives it to him! And all of it continually gets flushed into the Tigris and Euphrates rivers.
Here, let me spell the situation out clearly on the outside chance Noble Senators Ignoramus or Moronicus might have a lackey read this story to them before they are tucked in at night.
The requirements of the Iraqi "security forces" and "government" are modeled on the American Plan. No amount of money for supplies pumped into them will ever make any difference… or be properly accounted for. Speaking of adult fantasy services…
Meanwhile, in November, the Iraqi government complained that "more than a year after the government of Iraq paid more than $2 billion to the US government to purchase weapons and equipment for their military and police force, most of the equipment has yet to be delivered." The Iraqi government officials seem to have caught on to the rules of the game. It might take them a much longer time to fail the SQ test. They may be smart enough to throw it away rather than attempt to answer any of the questions.
So, when it gets around to it, the U.S government and Pentagon send military supplies to Iraq. These supplies disappear into the black market and from thence they fall into the hands of the "insurgents" or "militias" or into the caravan of Abdul the camel seller. Next thing you know, those missing munitions are used by warring parties to shoot at each other and… U.S. Troops. And who says the U.S. isn’t helping Iraq?
By this circuitous method, the United States is supplying and financing the very same militants that Bush has sworn to suppress. You would think anyone with the brains of a brown trout would have figured this out when those pallets of cash and other armaments went missing. But no! Other than in the Senate dining room, brown trout do not dignify the halls of incompetence. Or do they?
And then there is Tony Blair, Bush’s former hand puppet. His recent Chinese performance earned him $40,000 and the accolade of "gold-digger." But Great Britain’s former Prime Idiot is a poseur compared to Dubya with his Fistful of Fibs… soon to be a major Hollywood blockbuster starring Antonio Banderas. How long will the Chinese continue to refinance Bush’s loans? Yankee must be looking like the biggest schmuck since Dubya got caught red-handed lying… again.
And how about the Prime Minister of the Iraqi "government" Nouri al-Maliki? Is he as delusional as The Decider? Heck no! He knows what the score is. Darned tootin’! Why else would he knuckle in to give Bush/Cheney everything they wanted to keep the U.S. military in Iraq until Abdul’s camels come home to boogey? He knows all too well, there is no real Iraqi government and as soon as the Yanks pull off another "Operation Frequent Wind," PM al-Maliki is going to be a corpse on display in the Nisoor Square.
What a drag. Al-Maliki might just want to slip out of Dodge quietly in the middle of the night… if he can. Wonder if there’s a Distinguished Fellow offer from the American Enterprise Institute waiting for him? Oh I hope so. Don’t you?
But I digress.
With the achievement of this fiscal nincompoopery (Yes that is a word. Your dictionary is too small.), Congress gets a breathtaking score on the SQ test. And why is anyone surprised? Look at how much they spend trying to get elected.
The National Journal’s George C. Wilson supplies this food for thought: "President George W. Bush with his little war in Iraq has outspent President Lyndon B. Johnson with his big war in Vietnam during comparative five-year periods."
Jumpin’ gee hosafats! Who let him get away with that? The same troop of howler monkeys about to hand their master even more non-existent billions of dollars with no strings attached to prolong the Iraqi Circus Act. But it’s okay. Few of our Noble Members of Congress are serious about abandoning the majesty of the desert. Besides, some of the funding is slated for their little pet projects at home… and that means future votes. But where is this next heap of cash going to come from, David Copperfield? No! China… as usual.
The good folks in Beijing must be laughing their heads off over this. Here you go Uncle Spam, another loan. Don’t spend it all in one place. For the Chinese, it is cheaper (and more fun) to loan Bush money than it would be for China to launch a full-scale war against mainland America. Revenge is a dish best served alongside brown trout. Bush’s opium-like addiction to futile foreign adventures will exhaust the US and the end result will be the same.
As the greenback morphs into a roll of toilet paper, it doesn’t really matter who gets all the weapons. What matters is that the U.S. military-industrial complex makes more money. And it doesn’t matter where it comes from either… or if it even exists. Congress would be happy with Linden Dollars. Our "elected officials," their handlers ands flunkies have failed the SQ test in grand style. Burn baby, burn!
Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.