"Let all the poisons that lurk in the mud hatch out"
~ Robert Graves, Claudius The God
The Emperor Claudius on his decision to name Nero as his successor
Please don’t pelt me with rotten cabbage if I ask you to recall the election of 2000. As the year progressed we watched in horror and disbelief as George Walker Bush advanced closer and closer and ultimately was handed… a polite term for stole… the White House. How could it be possible, you wondered, that the idiot son of an un-popular president (and former CIA director), could actually get that kind of respect let alone those sorts of votes? I mean, the media machine did work wonders but Americans couldn’t possibly be that gullible!
As we all know, most Americans who bothered to vote weren’t. But our presidential election process is a little bizarre and none of us had counted on the state of Florida, the skullduggery of Katherine Harris, Bro Jeb, the Supreme Court and that criminal genius Karl Rove.
With a penchant for thumping his puffed up chest and shouting: "I’m the president!" the sixty-one year-old failure’s twisted promotion proved the old adage: in America anybody can become president.
Remember your amazement? I bet you were thinking: there’s no telling what this guy will do. Fact is, there has never been a dull moment as that son-of-a-Bush wrecks everything in his path.
I know you’d prefer me to skip election year 2004. So I will.
And just look at who’s running! What a bevy of bozos. With anyone actually qualified for the office relegated to the status of also ran, the line up at the start of the presidential race remains unsullied by character or sanity.
Since the Peace Platform did little more than throw egg all over Howard Dean’s face in 2004, everybody has opted for the War Platform. Well, that’s logical. Americans like to live dangerously. So it’s always prudent to avoid the dreaded Common Sense Platform.
The Democrats have the "fatally flawed" Hillary "Don’t cry for me Arkansas" Clinton, and the junior Senator from Illinois, aptly named with his vow to "obama" northern Pakistan. I could be wrong but my guess is neither have a chance in Hell of being elected dog catcher let alone bin Laden catcher.
And even Karl Rove agrees with me! There has to be a first time. Rove also told the Wall Street Journal’s Paul Gigot that the GOP has u201Cu2018a very good chance’ to hold onto the White House in next year’s elections.u201D I wonder if Karl knows something that he’s not telling?
Fools rush in! The Republican Party, or what passes as the Republican Party in these days of anti-republicanism, has attracted a competition as gnarly as purgatory. Which hatter is maddest? Who to pick?
Fact is none of us will do the picking. Even those who are registered Republicans will have little say. Nothing for it but to sit back and watch Sponge Bob… who, relative to most candidates, has first class presidential qualifications.
Former Massachusetts Governor, Mitt Romney did well in last week’s Republican Iowa straw poll. And he’s not hurting for cash, either. I mean he needed an extra 90 days to report his holdings. He sure must be loaded to the gills, right? According to ABC News, when Romney kicked off his campaign on January 8th of this year, he "raised more than $6.5 million… in a glitzy fundraising blitz that will force all Republican rivals to take notice… The figure dwarfed the $2 million that Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., raised and the $1 million collected by former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.u201D Who says money can’t buy happiness? The problem is, Romney can’t seem to make up his mind whether to abort or not to abort.
And, look where flip-flopping got the senior senator from Arizona? John McCain has run out of money. Regarding the McCain war chest, the New York Times reported last month that: "the decline in contributions had left it with $2 million." McCain supported Bush’s immigration bill, Bush’s war; but evangelicals have given him the frost. Old John is proof even those of noble senatorial rank can look like complete jack asses in the eyes of other complete jack asses.
Arnold? Hey now we’re talking! Who wouldn’t want Conan the Republikan as president! That’ll scare the beegeebers out of any sniveling little principality. Nobody wants to mess with Za Terminator! Imagine his Vice President: Henry Kissinger? But neither Arnold nor Henry is stupid enough — or American citizen enough — to sit in the Oval Office. Count your blessings.
Okay, here it comes. Cover your eyes and plug your ears. I’m about to utter a couple of filthy expletives.
There, I said it. Excuse me a moment while I wash my mouth out with Lava soap and hit the sauce to dull the pain.
The only vote Rudy gets from me is in the "he who is most likely to be stark raving mad" category. And let me tell you, I’ve seen plenty of screamers and howlers running amok in downtown Los Angeles near Al’s Bar.
Because this is the case, I predict King Rudy to replace King George.
What are Rudy’s qualifications you ask? Aside from his wife, Judi, he has none! Zip! All he has to run on is the fact he was mayor of NYC when the city suffered its worst disaster ever. That’s it. Without his serendipitous role as the undertaker for America’s largest mass funeral, Giuliani would be sitting with Don Corleone in the back of the Genco Importers playing cards all day… or more likely groveling at the feet of a woman about whom Hillary Clinton is reported to have fumed: "The nerve of that woman. Who does she think she is?"
Ms. Hillary had better watch out. Looks like Ms. Judi is angling for Hillary’s crown: Queen of the Military-Industrial Complex.
And hey, The Rudy and Judi Show sounds kind of snappy. Entertainment Tonight "reporters" won’t have any trouble with that one.
Rudy’s perfect to take over where King George leaves off, too. With the IQ of a wombat (my apologies to wombat lovers), Giuliani will be a cakewalk for his handlers at the American Enterprise Institute and the American-Israeli Public Affairs Committee. He’s a pro with the rhetorical flourishes and knows how to boast bombastic while thinking within the confines of a box of Jujubes. He’s a devout supporter of blowing up the world in order to make us "safe." This makes him popular with stand up comics like Norman — WWIV — Podhoretz, Rudy’s senior foreign policy advisor. I tell you, Rudy is the new Republican Neocon Poster Boy.
And here’s where you’re gonna be asking the bartender for a triple boilermaker (hold the beer, just give me the tequila). You’re a good American, you believe that on Inauguration Day 2009, there will be a change in command and then the madness will come to an end. Sorry to burst your liver but you are assuming there will be a change in command. That didn’t happen in Ancient Rome and it won’t happen here.
Karl Rove has proven anything is possible. I don’t really buy that cock and bull story about Karl going home to bond with his family. Do you? So don’t rule out President Elect Giuliani. Should this farce occur, whom do you think will be chosen as vice-president? Executive continuity must be maintained in this era of Neocon Empire… oops, I mean uh "national global crisis war for terror and Islamosfacist extermination with Rapture sauce" or whatever is being served up this week. And that means… down that shot of tequila… We could have eight more years of Dick Cheney calling the shots (literally) from the office of vice-president!
Hey, is this bar stool taken?
Buffalo bagels! This is America! It can’t happen here. Au contraire. Sorry but in case you haven’t noticed, a whole lotta of "it can’t happen heres" have already happened… here. However, let’s be safe and check what the US Constitution has to say shall we? Here’s the 22nd Amendment limiting presidential terms reprinted in full:
Section 1. No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once. But this article shall not apply to any person holding the office of President when this article was proposed by the Congress, and shall not prevent any person who may be holding the office of President, or acting as President, during the term within which this article becomes operative from holding the office of President or acting as President during the remainder of such term.
Section 2. This article shall be inoperative unless it shall have been ratified as an amendment to the Constitution by the legislatures of three-fourths of the several states within seven years from the date of its submission to the states by the Congress.
Yeeowza! There’s no limit to the number of terms someone can serve, and I use loosely the term "serve," as vice-president. That means Dead Eye Dick can stay at the helm in the VP office! The Horror… The Horror.
Could there be a new form of the "corrupt bargain" of 1824? Jumpin’ gee hosafats! The thought of a US with King Rudy, "acting president" Cheney and Norman (Nuke Iran for Israel) Podhoretz plotting and scheming the next wave of destruction makes me want to build a bomb shelter in the back yard in which to hunker down for the next century.
Oh sure — "Hey Moe! Another round of "Ta Kill Ya" shots for me and my friend here!" — one could hypothetically argue that Dick Cheney has been acting as president for six-and-a-half years and is, therefore, not eligible to inflict more abuse. I agree, but that’s a tough sell. And you can bet your bottom dollar, which is all you will have when this is over, that the Supreme Court will stomp all over that argument as "unconstitutional." And for a change, they’d be right. Remember, the Supreme Court has been relegated to the status of a photocopier to serve the whims of King George.
Well, no need to be alarmed. I seriously doubt this will happen. After all, I expect King George to surround the White House with his own Praetorian Guard, commonly known as Blackwater Private Security Contractors, and refuse to abdicate. After all, the constitution is just a God damned piece of paper.
Besides, who’s left to stop him?
Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.