If Iran Were America (And We Were Iran): A Timeline

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This is for
anyone interested in understanding what American foreign policy
has done to people in Iran.  (For simplicity’s sake, I have
combined the roles of the USA and the UK, as the USA was assuming
control of the former British Empire at this time.)

1953: Coup
in America

Dwight D. Eisenhower
is elected President of the United States, a country that receives
most of its income from oilfields in Pennsylvania and Texas. The
oil is pumped and distributed by the Persian-American Oil Company,
owned by Iran. 

a major campaign promise, Eisenhower reviews the oil production-sharing
agreements between Iran and the USA.  As Iran is taking more
than 90% of American oil revenues, Eisenhower attempts to renegotiate
this arrangement on more even terms for his country.

Prime Minister
Mossadegh of Iran is outraged at this show of “American greed.” 
Instead of negotiating, Iran sends its intelligence agents to carry
out a policy
of regime change
.  They hire an assortment of American
street gangs to do the grunt work.

Bombs destroy
churches and community centers across the United States. Fliers
and pamphlets appear everywhere, claiming that Eisenhower is a member
of Communist Party USA.  The Communists, according to the fliers,
are destroying churches for Eisenhower to help liberate Americans
from the “opiate of the masses.” Local newspapers, covertly funded
by Iran, echo these ideas.  American public opinion is inflamed
against President Eisenhower.

The Iranians
bribe unpatriotic generals like L.L.
to lead the coup against Eisenhower.  The Iranians
want an authoritarian, fiercely anti-Communist dictator who will
never attempt anything resembling nationalization of the American
oilfields.  After carefully weighing the options, Iran installs
Senator Joseph McCarthy as their puppet king to rule the USA.

The McCarthy Era

King Joe McCarthy
rules with an iron fist for 26 years.  Though initially reluctant
to obey a foreign government, King Joe soon embraces his sweeping
new powers, as well as the constant flow of Iranian aid and weapons
that makes it all possible.  Iranian intelligence agents create,
for McCarthy’s regime, the Department to Surveil and Vet Americans
for the King (SAVAK).

Hundreds of
thousands of “suspected Communists” disappear from American society,
in a general purge of teachers, newspaper reporters, and numerous
government officials.  It is rumored they are vanishing into
a gulag of secret prisons in northern Alaska built by Brown
& Root

The Christianist Revolution

rules, large groups of Americans can only congregate in two places:
pre-arranged, pro-McCarthy rallies, and houses of worship. 
As a result, revolutionary tendencies sprout and grow in churches,
led by radical clerics Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, and Jim Bakker. 
With other evangelical leaders, they form the Supreme Council for
the Christian Revolution in America (SCCRA), or the “Christian Coalition.”

Anger at King
Joe McCarthy, and the Iranians who control him, reaches a fever
pitch in 1979.  Millions of young Americans throw their support
behind the SCCRA.  The young people may not agree with all
of the radical clerics’ goals, but they cannot abide the brutal
McCarthy era any longer.  They overthrow the oppressive dictatorship
of King Joe.

In the course
of this, American revolutionaries seize control of the Iranian embassy
in Washington, from which the puppet McCarthy government was controlled. 
Iranian TV manages to feature this “American hostage crisis” night
after night for 444 days without mentioning that America had suffered
for decades under a puppet regime installed by Iran. 

a secret deal is reached between the Christian Coalition — now the
rulers of America — and Iran, and the hostages are released.

The America-Mexico War

The Iranians
have previously maneuvered one of their long-time Mexican intelligence
, whom we’ll call “José Husseino,” into the position
of dictator of Mexico.  Now they provide their pet dictator
with arms, aid and intelligence, and launch Mexico into an invasion
of the United States.

Ideally, this
policy will topple the revolutionary Christianist government in
Washington.  Failing that, the Iranian leadership hopes Mexico
will seize the oil-rich
of Texas, denying revenue to the new Washington government,
while keeping Texas oil within the Iranian “sphere of influence.”

1988: Oops

As it turns
out, Americans are not about to surrender their country to the Mexican
army.  They fight hard to repel the foreign invader. 
Millions die on in each country, and infrastructure along both sides
of the border is bombed into rubble. 

Iran provides
the Mexican regime with chemical
and biological weapons
, which the Mexican dictator Husseino
wields against American soldiers and civilians alike.  The
war wounded and maimed number in the millions.  Long trenches
are dug to bury the American dead. The USA must cope with a generation
of chemically-burned war orphans.

Husseino also
uses these chemical weapons to crush an uprising in Chihuahua, earning
himself the nickname ‘Murderer of Mexico City.’  The Iranian
regime shows no concern about this humanitarian catastrophe, and
continues supplying weapons of mass destruction to Husseino.

The war is
fought to a draw.  Husseino claims victory while his soldiers
beat a hasty retreat back to Mexico.

1991: Oops

Iranian politicians
realize they have inadvertently built Mexico into one of the world’s
most powerful militaries.  Mexico now threatens Iranian interests
in the Caribbean, as well as Central and South America.  When
Husseino shows interest in invading the small neighboring country
of Guatemala, the Iranian government decides to encourage him. 
The Iranian ambassador
allegedly told

We have no
opinion on your American-American conflicts, such as your dispute
with Guatemala. Secretary of State Mohammed Mossadegh III has
directed me to emphasize the instruction, first given to Mexico
in the 1960s, that the Guatemala issue is not associated with

The Rendon
is hired to cook up anti-Mexican propaganda.  A teenage
girl relates a sobbing story of the brutality of Mexican soldiers
against innocent Guatemalan babies.  The story is reported
and repeated through every news outlet in Iran. (Years later, it
will be revealed as propaganda
This, however, is never widely reported to the Iranian public, nor
referenced by major journalists when the next round of wartime propaganda
rolls out.)

Iran invades
Guatemala and Mexico, destroying most of Husseino’s military. 
They leave their formerly-favored dictator in power, however. 
The Iranian State Department advises that removing Husseino will
lead to turmoil and civil war in Mexico, bogging down Iranian troops
for an unknown number of years.  Also, the removal of Husseino
could only empower the hated Americans. Tehran decides not to go

Guatemala is
now home to several new Iranian bases, which keep a close eye on
events in Mexico, the United States, and other Iranian interests
in the region.

The Interbellum Years

The destitute
people of the United States struggle to recover from the massive
loss of life and property during the America-Mexico War of the 1980s. 
We watch as Iran enforces a “no-fly” zone over Mexico, and we hope
our troubles with those two countries are over.  Perhaps they
will finally leave us alone.

Still, Iran
wields its enormous international influence to impose economic sanctions
on both Mexico and the United States.  Half
a million
children die from malnutrition, while depleted
left over from the “Gulf Coast War” of 1991 sows an
epidemic of cancer throughout Mexico and the southern half of the
United States.

Iran covertly
funnels millions of dollars to any and every dissatisfied group
in America.  The KKK, the Black Panthers, the John Birch Society,
and even the Vermont Secessionists
experience a surge in anonymous foreign donations.

23 Jumada al-Akhar

An airplane
crashes into Azadi
(or, interestingly, “Freedom Tower”) in Iran.  Within
minutes, “counterterrorism experts” emerge from the woodwork to
blame a relatively obscure terrorist group in Cuba.  No other
suspects, not even obvious contenders like Russian intelligence,
are ever mentioned.  A Latin American passport
is found
in the rubble of Azadi Square, and this apparently
proves the first guessers correct.

Iranians are
stunned to learn, via their news media, that the West is full of
murderous killers driven by an extreme, violent religion. 
Apparently, these “Christofascists” are everywhere, and they hate
Muslims for their way of life, especially Iranians.  Iranians
learn the West is full of groups that would kill and die for the
chance to remake the Middle East in their own image.

(Hold on, I
lost track of which was the real timeline and which was imaginary…OK,
I’m back.)

2001: Iran Invades Cuba

Iran invades
Cuba and topples the Castro regime, in spite of their previously
close alliance
.  The United States offers
its help
to Iran, an attempt at friendship and solidarity against
a common enemy after the horrific 23 Jumada attack, but Iran rebuffs

Axis of Evil

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
(we’ll say) pronounces that the United States, Mexico and Venezuela
constitute an “Axis of Evil” that threatens the world.  He
cites America’s history of genocide, slavery, and segregation, its
wars against the Philippines and Vietnam.

American citizens
are puzzled.  Our president and Venezuela’s have been threatening
each other for some time.  And didn’t we just fight a bloody,
protracted eight-year war against the invading Mexicans?  How
can anyone believe we are three allied nations?

Iran accuses
all three countries of developing nuclear weapons.  This, too,
puzzles the Americans.  Iran has tens of thousands of nukes,
and is the only country that ever actually used them. (Through baroque
circumstances too complex to describe here, Iran obliterated two
Argentinean cities in the 1940s).

America is
a signatory to the Non-Proliferation Treaty, which allows us to
create nuclear power plants for peaceful energy.  America needs
nuclear power –the Pennsylvania oil is long gone, and even the rich
Texas fields are playing out.  We will need alternative sources
of energy to survive as a civilization.

However, this
sort of logic is denounced as “pro-American propaganda” in the halls
of Tehran.

March 2003

After endless
harassment, Mexico’s José Husseino fails to divest himself
of the weapons of mass destruction he does not possess.  Iran
invades and occupies Mexico.  No WMD are found, though it takes
the Iranian government a year or two to gradually acknowledge this. 
No matter.  Mexicans suffered horrendously under the Husseino
dictatorship.  Remember how he gassed the poor Chihuahuans? 
(Forget the context, or where he got the weapons, just remember
that it happened.)  They should welcome Iranian occupation,
even if the number of violent deaths soars!


After a quick
victory over the Husseino government, Iran begins hurling threats
at America and Venezuela, the other “Axis” members.  However,
Iran fails to neutralize the fierce Mexican resistance, and the
situation devolves into factional fighting as various interests
compete for power.

Iran responds
by stepping up the threats against America.

August 6,
2005: America Radicalizes

In response
to the drumbeat of threats from Iran, Americans vote out the somewhat-less-hawkish
Bill Clinton (serving his, er, third term) and we elect a new, “tougher”
prime minister to protect us: militant religious fanatic George
W. Bush.

Iranian newspapers
tell the world that “W,” as his brainwashed followers call him,
believes in a crazed End
Times cult
that expects God to destroy the world at any moment. 
Iranian politicians argue that such a fanatical extremist, with
a head full of Armageddon and the Second Coming, can never be trusted
with even one nuclear weapon.

The new Bush
regime immediately cracks down on dissent and any sign of “Easternization”
among Americans.  Body piercings, tattoos, and belly shirts
are immediately outlawed.  Websites, from LewRockwell.com,
to the American Conservative,
to the Huffington Post,
plus thousands of others, vanish without explanation overnight.

Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich disappear into the Alaskan gulag. 
Filmmakers Michael Moore and Alex Jones are forced to share a prison
cell, to their deep mutual annoyance.  Fortunately, the prison
was built by Halliburton.  All of them escape in a general
riot, in which the prisoners simply kick the walls until they topple

The New Jersey
Department of Education sends Max
to re-education camp.  He stands accused of chanting
“Death to the state!” rather than the legally mandated “Death to
Iran!” at a football pep rally.  Naturally, there will be no
hearing to determine if the accusation is true. (It is.)

9, 2006: Boom.

The world is
stunned when Hugo Chavez of Venezuela detonates a small nuclear
bomb.  Now that Venezuela is a nuclear power, Iranian leaders
no longer speak of an “Axis of Evil.”  Iran dispatches ambassadors
to Caracas to find a “reasonable solution” to Venezuela’s entrance
into the nuclear club.

This sets off
high-level discussion between Ayatollahs Robertson and Dobson. (Ayatollah
Bakker has been disgraced and removed from power, while Ayatollah
Falwell is away having frosted-doughnut-related surgery, and is
not long for this world.)  Maybe, their thinking goes, America
should develop a nuclear bomb to deter Iran, considering Iran’s
long history of aggression and subterfuge against America. 
They recognize the difference between Iran’s treatment of nuclear
Venezuela versus non-nuclear Mexico.


Some level
of trade across the USA-Mexico border continues, as it always has. 
However, Mexican society has disintegrated into endless conflict,
and tens of millions of war refugees pour into the United States. 
The American government sends agents to monitor the situation in
Mexico and search for solutions to the instability along the southern

Iran cites
this involvement as proof that the USA is secretly behind the Mexican
insurgency.  The idea that the Mexicans themselves want to
resist the foreign, Iranian occupation is still not allowed on Iranian

Iran steps
up its threats against the United States, claiming that America
is “very close” to building a nuclear weapon. (Iranian intelligence
disagrees, but this is not exactly emphasized by Iranian media.) 
Iranian aircraft carriers and warships appear in the Gulf of Mexico
and along the coast of New England.  American children stand
on piers in Maine and Florida to watch the Iranian war games.

The Iranian
people, meanwhile, are weary of the prolonged, apparently endless
wars in Cuba and Mexico.  They have no desire for war with
America, but neither do they control their government.

claims Bush is threatening to “wipe Canada off the map,” though
this has long been revealed as an inaccurate
.  (Bush’s actual words: “Where the heck is
Canada?  I can’t find it on the map.”)

The world holds
its breath, wondering if Iran will hit America with bombs, or even
a pre-emptive nuclear strike, and ignite World War III, which will
likely engulf the Americas.  The future of civilization depends
on the restraint and rationality of a foreign power whose leadership,
so far, has displayed no evidence of possessing either trait.

5, 2007

L. Bryan
[send him mail] is a freelance

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