A Modest Proposal (with apologies to Jonathan Swift)

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This morning
(July 9), as I made my daily trek through the websites of news and
punditry, I came across two diametrically opposed pieces of news.

In the Tampa
Tribune, this
:

“The leader
of an al-Qaida umbrella group in Iraq threatened to wage war against
Iran unless it stops supporting Shiites in Iraq within two months,
according to an audiotape released Sunday.”

Then Neal Boortz,
ersatz libertarian and warmonger extraordinaire prints
this
:

“Western
intelligence is confirming it … the mullahs of Iran are, indeed,
linked to al Queda. Iran is being used as a base for terrorists.
These terrorists then go into Iraq and kill Iraqis and Americans,
with the explicit intention of undermining progress in Iraq.”

Hmm… Now
this is interesting.

Al Qaeda threatens
Iran.  Iran supports al Qaeda.   What’s going on here?

What are we
to do?

We want to
attack Iran.  Al Qaeda wants to attack Iran.  Does that
make us allies?

On the other
hand, Al Qaeda are the terrorists and you’re either with us or with
the terrorists.  Does that make Iran our ally?

And if Iran
is our ally, why are they supporting the terrorists?

This is maddening!

“Get your scorecard
here!  Can’t tell the players without a scorecard!”

I’ve always
thought that our government and the neocons were lying to us about
the Global War on Terrorism and the illegal invasion of Iraq.  I
no longer think so. Now I am convinced that Bush, Cheney, the Pentagon,
the CIA and the neocons are totally, irrevocably, hilariously CLUELESS!
 They have absolutely no idea what is going on in the Middle
East.

They have 150,000
American soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines sitting in the middle
of a goat rope.  What’s next?  Circular firing squads?

It’s not easy
being an Empire!

The only people
who seem to have any idea of what’s going on over there are Osama
bin Laden, Aymon al-Zawahiri, and al Qaeda.  It’s for certain
no one on our side does.

I think I see
a way out of this.

Winston Churchill
once remarked that God takes care of drunks and the United States
of America and maybe that is the case once again.

Here’s my proposal:

When you don’t
have the expertise in house for a job, it is a common business practice
to outsource that function.

Whereas we
obviously have no expertise in running the affairs of the Middle
East and

Whereas al
Qaeda does possess that expertise,

I propose that
George Bush:

  • Grant a
    general amnesty to Osama bin Laden, Aymon al-Zawahiri and al Qaeda
    (Bush should be good at this what with Scooter Libby and 20 million
    illegal aliens).
  • Withdraw
    all American presence from the Middle East.
  • Contract
    with al Qaeda to represent us and manage our affairs in the Middle
    East, i.e., keep the oil flowing (if you can’t beat ‘em, join
    ‘em).

This is a win-win
proposal.

Al Qaeda gets
what they want, i.e., us out of the Middle East.

We get what
we really want, i.e., us out of the Middle East, a free flow of
oil, containment of Iran (when they’re up to their butts in al Qaeda
terrorists, they’ll have a heck of a time trying to develop nuclear
weapons), and no threats of attacks on the U.S.

This will give
us the time to rebuild and refurbish our military for the next Cold
War — with China.  After all, the Arabs were just a placeholder,
after the fall of the Soviet Union, until the Chinese could get
strong enough to present a credible threat.  Then we can get
into some serious defense spending with some really, big-ticket
items.

And after all,
isn’t that what we really want — profits for the military-industrial
complex.  It’s the American Way!

July
12, 2007

George
Gould [send him mail] is
a retired Imperial Storm Trooper and 2nd place finisher in the Southeast
Asia War Games.  He writes from Valrico, Florida and Falls
Church, Virginia.

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