"Everyone is more or less mad on one point."
~ Rudyard Kipling
Certain states in our vast fruited plain have proposed to ban the mentally imperfect from the voting rolls. Well! It’s about time. I am all in favor of anything that will make Karl Rove’s job of election… uh… engineering easier in 2008.
And let’s face it. Something must be done. Look at the caliber of "elected officials" running amok in Washington. Each and every Senator qualifies for their very own DSM diagnosis (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Could it be that the slender segment of Americans who vote just might be "non compos mentis"?
What to do?
Remember when the RNC figured out that certain citizens who had a tendency to vote Democratic also happened to be an easy frame up… oops… I mean an easy fit for felony? Purging these Americans from the ranks of the voting populace proved to be a cakewalk in Florida in 2000.
Let’s start with any official who voted "Yea" on the Joint Resolution in 2002 (H.J.Res. 114 — "Let’s throw crappy little Iraq against the wall and destroy it!"). It looks like more than a handful of our noble Senators are not the sharpest knives in the drawer. How about any citizen who "voted" for George W. Bush in 2004 and anyone who thinks Paris Hilton’s jail sentence is a message from God. Next time, they can participate in a FOX "news" on-line poll.
Moving right along, how about the technologically-challenged? "Can you set the clock on a VCR?" Hah! Gotcha! Trick question. Nobody uses a VCR anymore. We all have DVD players. So, if you answered either "no" or "yes" to the question, clearly that means you are non compos mentis. No brainee, no votee.
While it is a slick move to exclude the technologically-challenged, there are groups whom we must encourage to "vote early, vote often." Alzheimer’s sufferers make the best constituents: they don’t remember what politicians promise. But they do remember Adlai Stevenson and Strom Thurmond… and either of those gentlemen would be a signal improvement on the current lot.
Don’t forget those voters suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You wanted to ban them? Don’t be silly! These people run for office. No matter how often they tell you it’s about "You and I," these folks are only interested in Number One. At best they think of you as "number two" if you know what I mean. So we know where their votes are going. And frankly, anybody seeking an elected office has to be non compos mentis as well… ban them from the booth of Indecision ’08!
Okay, folks who cannot program VCRs are out. And, so are the delusional idiots who ask their buddies to tape the final episode of the Sopranos; that final episode has already run! Politicians with bloated egos can vote for themselves as long as the ballot is a roll of Charmin.
Next up…hmm… how about those suffering from the modern epidemic of Autism? In this group I will include those diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a type of autism offshoot. Now the unifying symptom of both disorders is that those afflicted think "outside of the box." We can’t have that. What good is perception management if voters have brains that refuse to follow the "opinion leaders?" Of course some of America’s best thinkers will be excluded, but then, isn’t that the idea?
Anyone who holds that his life ought to have the budget of a Hollywood blockbuster is out… well… they should be out. Let them buy and kiss the pork chops of their own favorite "elected officials."
Speaking of Hollywood, I’m afraid all those rock stars and movie moguls aren’t with the program. And we know they’re all commie preeverts! So there goes L.A. and the surrounding environs. Wow! That eliminates a good portion of the Democratic Party now doesn’t it? Liberal bias? Social programs? Out-of-control spending? Pure idealistic bovine bagels. No votes for Democrats! That’ll save the RNC the trouble of tossing those ballots out with the fish heads.
Out! Out! Out!
And the Prozac prescription is just a litmus test. Convene a Congressional Investigation! Turn on the bright lights. Bring down the gavel. "Have you ever or are you now taking an anti-depressant?"
Anybody on any prescription anti-depressant must be struck off the list. As readers of this page have been told before, America is the most depressed country in the world. Presto Bango, that eliminates a sizeable chunk of the population. Sorry to harsh on your mellow.
What about cousin Billy Bob Joe Don Bob who lives in the shed out by Hog Wallow Creek? Rowerbazzle! He can’t be allowed to vote! He’s wearin’ a bracelet and is tight with his parole officer. He’s apt to go berserk in the voting booth. Especially when he reads the names on the screen and his name is not among them.
Fact is handlers are under scrutiny. To prevent handler fraud, voters must not take their handler with them inside the booth. Sorry Hillary, but Bill may not go into the booth with you… as if you’d let him.
To avoid a class action lawsuit by the Amalgamated Nut Case Handlers of North America, let’s just say that anyone with a handler shall not cast a ballot. So out goes half the married population of America.
Oh… let’s not forget the "tired and emotional." Does dear Aunt Selma take a nip now and then? Thought so. That ain’t tea the old crow is sneaking. Do you trust the inebriated to decide on the future of your country… even if it would be an improvement? Off the list! Pass the Jager I think I’m Ted Kennedy.
And we mustn’t ignore one of the most popular forms of lunacy… hearing voices. This can be particularly bad when one feels the compelling urge to obey them. I mean come on! We can’t seriously allow Disembodied voices to vote. That solves the Christian Right problem.
See how easy this is? Adding a phrase to the Constitution (even though it is "just a Goddamned piece of paper") that prohibits "idiots and insane people" from voting, ought to flush out this country like a session of high colonic therapy.
Plus, with the body of the electorate much "lighter on its feet," we’ll no longer need those electronic voting machines. After Attorney General Alberto Gonzales gets wind of this, the whole electoral process should take about ten minutes, max. Gonzo and Turd Blossom can sit down together over "lunch" and make up a list of eligible voters on one side of a cocktail napkin.
Of course, there are drawbacks. Our Beloved Decider won’t be allowed to vote for himself (or for the horse Katherine Harris rode in on). I mean… he hears voices, is delusional, suffers from dry-drunk syndrome, has handlers; and I’ll bet you my last Pet Rock that Dubya thinks he can program a VCR. Time to dry-clean the executive straight jacket!
But even if there is an election in 2008, the proposal to stack the deck of voters using the non compos mentis clause won’t help us now.
And this time I am not joking.
Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.
Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.