Bush Administration to Quarter Soldiers in Private Homes Cheney cites "vigorous executive" theory

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DC — The Bush administration began a rollout of a new program for
soldiers who have just completed their basic training and await
deployment to Iraq — they will spend at least a month with “host
families” around the country. The program, which was co-sponsored
by Christopher Dodd (D-CT), promises to bring a new level of connectedness
between the civilian and military populations. “I am very pleased
with the way it all worked out” said Dodd in his office on Tuesday
morning. “For a long time, I have advocated mandatory community
service for all Americans. The host family program will make great
strides towards that goal.”

With an increasingly
unpopular war on their hands, the Bush administration says this
is the first of many initiatives to come to remind the American
people of the necessity of their commitment to the Global Struggle
against Violent Extremism. Introducing the program in a press conference,
White House press secretary Tony Snow said, “Many have criticized
the way this war has been prosecuted, saying that Americans haven’t
sacrificed enough to understand that we are truly in the defining
struggle of our time. We believe that a military presence in their
own neighborhoods will remind civilians that when they oppose the
war, they oppose the young men and women who will be boarding with

Some critics
of the new initiative criticize it as a violation of the third amendment,
but these concerns were brushed off as the fears of “nervous nellies”
by Vice President Dick Cheney. “From day one, this administration
has believed in the vigorous exercise of Executive power” said Cheney.
“Any discussions of ‘No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered
in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war,
but in a manner to be prescribed by law’ show a naïve, pre-9/11
mindset. Anyways, these soldiers aren’t being quartered, they are
being hosted. It’s clearly in concord with the language of the amendment.”

Attorney General
Alberto Gonzales could not be reached for comment, but his office
issued a brief statement. “We have taken steps to update the First,
Second, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth, and Tenth
Amendments so that they are workable in this post-9/11 world, and
we are very excited to get a chance to take a crack at the Third.”

The sole objector
in a voice vote on the bill, which was named the “We Love Our Troops
Act," was Representative Ron Paul (R-TX). His home was picked
as one of the first to enjoy the new privilege of opening its doors
to the troops.

This is satire. But based on Dick Cheney's recent claim that he's
not part of the executive branch… who knows what fun headlines lie
in wait!

28, 2007


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