Dear Dubya: Time for a Military Makeover!

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Hey there you old cowpoke! Now you’ve "decided" what to do about Iraq. Abandoning "stay the course" for "a new way forward," you have decided on a "surge" of troops. During Viet Nam days we used to call this an "escalation." So… what’s the difference?

Just like the other bonehead decisions you’ve made, this one will bomb… repeatedly along Iraqi roads. More American troops and Iraqi civilians will die, and more people around the world will hate Americans. Added to the staggering loss of the stability of the dollar, you have managed to morally bankrupt the United States of America. Who are you working for anyhow? The American people or Osama bin Laden? It was bin Laden who boasted in November 2004: "every dollar of al-Qaeda defeated a million dollars by the permission of Allah, besides the loss of a huge number of jobs." Your agenda certainly has suited bin Laden’s agenda to a "T."

What you really need to decide on is a "makeover" of the Military-Industrial Complex! It’s so stylin’ with the times… so MTV!

Let me explain.

If you can remember way, way back in time to November of this year, there was an election and a whole heap of your lap monkey Republican cohorts got kicked out of Congress. I know it was a bitter pill to swallow. Karl Rove slipped up and didn’t steal enough votes to cover the escalating anger of the American voter.

And all you can think of is more of the same losing strategy? No, no, no! I have a better idea!

Privatize the whole damned war! That’s right. Privatize it! Got your ear with that one didn’t I?

Let’s look at the goals and problems. What are the goals? Forget about the snake oil lies. Let’s talk about the true lies. The war was never about keeping America safe and it was never about spreading democracy either. Democracy doesn’t seem to work here — we’ve got you to show for it — why should it work in the Middle East? It never has. The real goal has been U.S. ownership of Iraq’s oil. Now, now, now, don’t fake a look of surprise. You don’t fool nobody no more!

What are the problems? Even as you plan to "embed" more U.S. troops, the Iraqis want Yankee to go home. The latest ICRSS poll conducted in Iraq shows that "only five percent of those questioned said Iraq is better today than in 2003." The more troops you "surge" into Iraq, the more the Iraqis will mount violent resistance to the occupation. And the more troops you send in the more U.S. money will go right down the Tigris Euphrates rivers. Talk about pollution!

Who profits from snatching the Iraqi oil? The oil corporations! You’ve been working for them all along. What? You didn’t think we’d notice?

So here’s my solution.

Put it on the block. Let Goldman Sachs handle the bidding. Allow genuine concerns to compete to buyout the war. Think of the mergers! Think of the acquisitions! You and your friends can rake off a percentage of the price! Those with a serious interest ought to be forthcoming. Remember to label it correctly: "where is, as is, no warranty expressed or implied."

How about you just get old Flip-Flop McCain to introduce a bill to transfer the whole blood bath over to the oil companies! Privatize it! Hey if Big Oil wants billions of dollars and thousands of lives spent to get the black gold, let them pay for it! The U.S. taxpayer isn’t getting diddly squat out of the deal and we know it. Come to think of it… neither are the Iraqis and they know it too.

I know it sounds crazy. That’s why you should like it. It’s right up your alley. Fact is, that’s the direction you’re going with the war anyway. As things stand right now, there is an "army" of 100,000 contractors in Iraq. Let Big Oil pay for a surge in contractors for your new way forward.

See how great this will be? No longer will you have to lie, blushingly, to the United Nations. The U.S. won’t be in violation of U.N. agreements or the Geneva Conventions! Big Oil can take the heat! The whole scenario will be like the spice mlange of Dune.

Then you can bring home the troops, stop the insane spending of borrowed money and slither out of office in two years. You can brag that you’re a Great Man of Peace, maybe get your picture on the cover of Time magazine… again… hang out with cool dudes like former president Jimmy Carter… assuming he doesn’t "politely" decline your invite to go mountain biking. The gullible will believe it… that means you. Once out of office, it’ll be a breeze to pirouette through the revolving door as a "war consultant" to the Military-Industrial Complex. And you won’t be the wiser.

Elizabeth Gyllensvard edited and contributed to this story.

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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