The Warmonger's Brigade

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It appears the Bush administration has a real problem on its hands — the war effort is not going well at all and the military is on the verge of "breaking." I do believe I have a plan, which if implemented right away could provide the needed relief Bush is desperately searching for. Desperate times call for desperate measures. If this country is indeed in danger of having to fight the enemy on our soil, it is time to pull out all stops. If the Bush administration is serious about "protecting our freedom" and this is not a war started on lies to increase the bottom line of companies from the Military Industrial Complex, it is time to deploy the Warmonger’s Brigade.

First battalion would consist of all male and female members of the immediate families of everyone in the Bush administration. Of course W’s daughters would be the first to be placed in this battalion, followed closely by Dick "water boarding" Cheney’s daughter, Mary. I am aware that she is pregnant at this time but within a reasonable time after giving birth, she could rejoin her battalion in preparation for deployment to the Iraq Theater of Operations. After all, her significant other is also female so the infant will not lack for maternal care. This administration has found no problem with sometimes deploying both parents to Iraq, so Mary Cheney being deployed would be business as usual.

Included in this battalion would be the children of all cabinet members, led of course by any eligible children of Alberto "torture is ok" Gonzales. I’m sure Karl (the leak) Rove has some children, nieces or nephews that would make good cannon fodder. Included in this battalion would be all eligible employees and family members (18 to 38 years of age) of CIA, NSA, DIA, and BATFE. Since these agencies have declared war on American civil liberties, extending the declaration to include real enemies should present no problems.

So he would not feel left out, all of Donald Rumsfeld’s eligible kin would be immediately drafted for service, even though he is no longer with this administration. They of course would be required to ride in unarmored Humvees while wearing Vietnam Era flak jackets.

Second battalion would consist of all family members of those in Congress who have supported the war in Iraq. Chelsea Clinton could vie for command of this battalion with eligible members of the McCain family. Charles "slavery is okay if you’re serving the state" Rangel could insure that all members of the Black Caucus have their relatives fitted for new uniforms, trained, and ready for deployment.

Third battalion would consist of all male and female members of those at FOX, NBC, CBS, ABC, and the Weekly Standard. Of course all relatives of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, and William Kristol, followed closely by relatives of those at the New York Times, War Street Journal, and the Washington Post would receive orders for immediate deployment. All other media outlets in this country that have supported this war would also see their children deployed for immediate service in the "global war on terror."

Fourth battalion would consist of members from all the church leaders in this country who have blindly supported the illegal invasion of a country that posed no threat to us. Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, James Dobson and others would of course dutifully escort their family members to the induction centers and then volunteer for support duties themselves. No deferments for Conscientious Objector status would be allowed.

Recon battalion would consist of family members of all executives of companies in the Military Industrial Complex who has realized such huge profits from this war. No exemptions would be allowed. If a company is in business to profit from the blood of others, it should also be willing to provide the material (their children) to the effort that produces those profits.

Special Operations elements of the Warmonger’s Brigade would consist of all members of the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, NASCAR and all other professional and amateur sports teams. If service to this country when we are so at risk is really necessary, as this administration claims, we need combat troops more than we need to be entertained. With their wonderful conditioning and the fact many athletes would rather fight than play the game they are paid to play, combat would be an excellent alternative. Naturally, all members of professional wrestling and boxing would be given command positions in this unit.

Staffing the Psychological Operations unit should be Max Boot, Cal Thomas, Ann Coulter, James Meigs, Andrew Sullivan, George Will and Charles Krauthammer. No one else could match this group when it comes to turning outrageous lies into palatable truth for the masses. Their lust for war is so strong they should be required to feel the sting of battle firsthand.

Anyone displaying "support the troops" ribbons would be eligible for immediate induction into the combat support battalion. Their children and grandchildren would be dispersed within the other combat battalions. If our country is in real trouble, supporting the troops should include providing the troops, and who better to do that than those who blindly support war.

If steps to establish the Warmonger’s Brigade as outlined above are not immediately enacted by those in the White House, Congress and the Pentagon, they are either the biggest hypocrites on the planet or this war is a hoax. Then again, it could be both.

Michael Gaddy [send him mail], an Army veteran of Vietnam, Grenada, and Beirut, lives in the Four Corners area of the American Southwest.

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