Faced with a cool reception by the authorities in and neighbors of Paraguay, Our Beloved Leader is looking for a cozy retirement home. In that connection, he asked me to draft a letter…
To all World and Opinion Leaders,
Hi there y’all. Are you the head honcho of an economically backward country in need of development and international clout? I have the solution to all your problems!
I’m a fun lovin’, non-drinkin’, devout Christian (with a direct hotline to God) who’s lookin’ for a position as Despot in Exile. What I need is an obscure Third World Nation with a comfortable climate and no extradition treaty with the United States of America or the new International Criminal Court in The Hague. If your country meets these simple requirements, then we can talk turkey!
You see, recent unfortunate developments by subversives are undermining my stature in the United States of America! It might be in my best interest to skedaddle before the donkeys come home to roost. I’m all for staying the course but maybe it’s about time to cut and run.
What I’m lookin’ for is a modest, rural hide-a-way of approximately 100,000 acres with an attached resort villa. It needs to be roomy enough for my family and friends and little ol’ me! I can offer top U.S. dollars and include no-bid, development contracts from U.S. corporations. Just think, you can enjoy the prestige of Halliburton! Kellogg, Brown and Root! Blackwater! FOX News and Diebold! Well hell, ifn’ you’re a fellow democratically elected Despot, I can help you stay that way!
Military protection included. I can personally guarantee, if you give me a nice safe place to live, the U.S. Military will not invade and liberate your country. Nor will there be any nucular bombins’. Sorry, I can’t vouch for the love of the American citizens though. But hell, they don’t matter. What they thought never bothered me!
You probably want to see some sort of resume right? Okee dokee. Here’s just a few u201Chighlights.u201D Past experiences include: expert at digging empty holes, professional baseball fan (owned a team once, seen a lot of games), wreaking economic havoc on all business ventures embarked (but I got rich!), and six years as the foremost stand-up comic in the United States of America! Heckers, I’ve got more hilarious one-liners in my act than Don Rickles, Bob Hope, George Carlin and Lenny Bruce combined! In fact, I’ve been the personal joke writer for Jon Stewart, Bill Maher and Stephen Colbert. They’d be nowhere without me!
How can you resist? Just sell me that ultra-secure compound and we’ll have a BBQ! I’ll get the little woman, Laura, to whip up some vittles, while I dazzle you and your guests with some homespun hee-haw! I can keep you in stitches for hours. So what ‘cha say?
It’s like this: I got two more years remaining on my contract. There’s no real need for a hasty exit, but the possibility does exist that those two years could be, uh, abbreviated. I don’t like the looks of that Pelosi woman. I could find myself bouncin’ down the steps of the U.S. Capitol building on my backside sooner than planned. I think it best I start shoppin’ around.
Who are these friends I’m bringin’ along you ask? Are they gonna cause a ruckus? No no no, they aren’t gonna cause you any trouble. See, you’ve been reading those Islamo-Fascist, left-wing Commie websites like uh… what’s that one called?.. Oh yeah… LouieLouie.com.
These friends are just a bunch of fun lovin’ good ol’ boys! They don’t mean no harm. Look, I got a bud named Rummy. If that name don’t mean PARTY to you, you’ve never seen the inside of a Yale frat house. Then there’s Dead Eye Dick. He’s a barrel of monkeys on huntin’ trip. There’s John G. u201CFrench Friesu201D Roberts, Jr., Tony u201CLa Traviatau201D Scalia, Sammy u201CScalia-Liteu201D Alito, and Alberto R. Gonzales. Got legal problems? Those guys will handle it. Hey it was Scalia who said, “Words do have a limited range of meaning…u201D which is why I prefer to use coercion and warfare.
And then there’s my soul brother Turd Blossom who loves to make prank phone calls in the middle of the night. Come on! We’ve all done that! TB started off in junior high! He’s made a high-payin’ career out of it. And there’s a guy named u201CScooter.u201D Now how bad can a guy named u201CScooteru201D be… honestly?
I swear you won’t have to count the silverware after Tom Delay and Jack Abramoff arrive. Of course Jack’s in the clink so it might be a while before he joins the party. But, they’ve cleaned up their acts and intend only to loot the poor folks in your fair land.
So whadaya say huh? You can’t go wrong. It’s a win-win cakewalk. You’ll get top dollar for the spread, maybe even double, triple or quadruple what it’s really worth. Name your price! You’ll have international prestige with me hidin’ out there… you know, kinda like Argentina in the late 40s and 50s with all them Third Reichers on the lam. I guarantee Spring Time for Bush! And you’re invited!
Oh yeah… I promise on my word of honor… no military shenanigans, takeovers or coups… You can trust me… I’ll take an oath on that!
~ George W. Bush — President of the United States of America.
Elizabeth Gyllensvard edited and contributed to this story.
Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.