NAEI Scholars Identify Real Culprit in Middle East Woes: Francis 'Fortunate Son' Guillory

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Thu Nov 12,
5:33 PM ET

In a plot-twist
worthy of an Agatha Christie whodunnit, American Enterprise Institute
(AEI) scholars Richard Perle and David Frum believe they have finally
unmasked the party responsible for America’s troubles in Iraq.

The unusual

Private First
Class Francis Guillory of the 255th Infantry Brigade,
Louisiana National Guard.

At a press
conference held in a Georgetown café this morning, the two
neoconservative commentators outlined the case against Guillory
– who is the privileged heir to several homemade rocking-chairs
and a coon-dog named Virgil.

“Some folks
are born with a silver spoon in hand,” Frum said, commenting on
Guillory’s decadence. “Lord, but don’t they help themselves?”

Yet the case
against the 2nd-generation truck-driver turned global-policeman
goes far beyond mere ad hominem attacks regarding his background.

“It’s clear
to everyone,” observed Perle, “that the current Mideast quagmire
has nothing whatsoever to do with AEI's ideological tenets – i.e.,
Pax-Americana, New-World-Order, Creative-Destruction, Captain-Ahab-Had-The-Right-Idea,
etc., etc…

Therefore we
have to look for a scapego – er, other possible explanations.”


“And even a
cursory look at Pfc Guillory’s record reveals a troubling, dysfunctional
pattern dating back to Day One.”

A major mark
against Guillory, Perle explained, is that the Guardsman has continually
ignored AEI’s finely-crafted “cakewalk” strategy.

“Many critics
of the war make the sweeping claim that the cakewalk has proven
ineffective in Iraq – but they’re glossing over the fact that
Guillory never actually cakewalked
while in the field, not even once,” Perle observed sharply.

“Like Trotskyism,
our cakewalk policy is a great idea – that hasn’t been tried.”

And Guillory's
supposed “service” omits another, even more important matter: Success.
He is part of a vast, multinational force that was given the mission
of eliminating Iraq's nuclear weapons program. Yet embarrassingly
Guillory has not only failed to end said
program but has failed even to find it.

the National Guardsman’s progress in establishing secure, postmodern-style
democracy in Iraq has fallen far short of the realistic goals he
was assigned. Even today busts of Woodrow Wilson are depressingly
few-and-far-between in Baghdad mosques.

Yet to date
Guillory has shown no inclination to apologize to the American people.

“Really, it
should come as no surprise to us that Private Guillory – a
small-town working-class country boy – has the habit of evading
responsibility,” Frum reflected bitterly. “But from where I and
my AEI Band-of-Brothers sit, that sort of cavalier attitude just
doesn't hold water.”

Per Perle,
however, the most damning indictment against Guillory is not his
conduct of the war, but rather that the 1999 graduate of Hackleberry
High let the war happen at all.

“If he cares
so much about America, then where was Guillory’s voice of conscience
when people were foolishly equating the beleaguered and encircled
Hussein regime to the mighty German Reich of the 1930’s?” Perle

“And all that
stupid ‘Axis of Evil’ crap that was flying around, I never saw any
op-eds from him that protested all that jingoistic rubbish.”

One reporter
asked how Guillory’s voice – or anybody else’s – could have stopped
the 2003 pro-war momentum, given that resistance to the invasion
was shouted down by Republican partisan chants of “Smoking gun,
mushroom cloud,” and “You’re lending aid and comfort to the terrorists.”

She also alluded
to the intense, consistent hostility being then-directed by AEI
scholars against all opposed to the venture in Iraq.

Slightly exasperated,
Perle shot back: “I hardly think this is the time to dig up musty,
ancient history about who called whom a freedom-unworthy traitor
a couple years ago… you freedom-unworthy traitor, you. Remember
9-11. Stop lending aid and comfort to the terrorists. Remember 9-11.”

In any case,
Guillory’s culpability stretches beyond foreign policy, as Frum
hastened to point out.

“Where was
this guy when Katrina hit?” he demanded indignantly.

“Doing his
job as a Louisiana Guardsman, protecting the lovely people of
the state of Louisiana from disaster and anarchy? Oh, but nooo.
He was sunning himself at taxpayers’ expense, on a junket-vacation
to Mesopotamia.

We’ve barely
scratched the surface of his ‘Persian Excursiongate’, I’m afraid.”

Perle struck
a slightly conciliatory note as he supposed Guillory “just doesn’t
understand the pain people like him inflict on we of the long-suffering
intellectual technocracy.”

Frum grudgingly
conceded this, but refused to let Guillory off so easily: “I mean,
I know this guy’s not a Yale & Harvard alum like me, but surely
even an ignorant hick should be able to tell that winning hearts
& minds is the whole essence of shock & awe? If only we’d
killed more Iraqis at the very beginning, maybe they’d have learned
to love us by now.

We spoon-fed
Guillory, laid it out for him, step-by-step. Ricky and I announced
as far back as 2004 in our book An
End To Evil
that we needed to put an end to evil, and overthrow
the Iranian government as an encore to Operation Iraqi Freedom.

And yet two
years and two tours in Iraq later, Guillory has not come even close
to putting an end to evil – do you know how many muggings there
were in Chicago last week?

And Guillory
didn’t follow my recommendation about seizing Iran and remaking
it in the American image, either.

And now – wow,
we need this like we need a hole in the head – for some freakish,
inexplicably-lunatic reason, it seems that in recent years a number
of countries around the world have grown increasingly interested
in acquiring atomic weapons and deterrent capability. Thanks to
Guillory’s incompetence, vanity, and corruption, many countries
no longer trust us to protect them from rogue nations.”

One could almost
hear the quotation marks as Frum concluded with characteristic sarcasm:

” ‘Great’ job,
Private First Class Guillory, in helping prevent the proliferation
of nuclear weapons.”

On patrol in
the streets of Baghdad, Guillory has remained tight-lipped regarding
the attacks on his reputation. Thus far his only reply to the political
firestorm has been: “[expletive deleted]!! Git down, git down!!
Take cover!!”

And it later
turned out that even this terse comment did not so much address
the threatening criticisms coming from Georgetown as it did a barrage
of grateful smiles, cheering Iraqi children, and confetti being
brought to bear on his squad’s position.

The Imperial
News Network

“Bringing the glorious light of progress to your pathetically-backward
little corner of the Hegemony."

14, 2006

Former US Navy officer Jerry Salyer [send
him mail
] has been deployed to the Persian Gulf, Mediterranean
Sea, and Pacific & Indian Oceans. He is currently at work on a comic
novel, tentatively-titled Patriotic Chore.”

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