George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Richard Cheney and all the other neoconservative so-called warmongers are really wusses, wimps, sissies and pussies.
Imagine. The U.S. is the greatest power in the world. Indeed, the U.S. is the strongest country in the history of the known universe. And yet, how many countries are we presently invading? Why, a stinking lousy two. Yes, two, that is all: Iraq and Afghanistan.
There’s lots more work to be done along these lines, and these neo-cons are simply shirking their proper task. They call themselves warmongers? Hah!
To begin with, there is North Korea and Iran. The nerve of them. Thumbing their noses at the land of the free and the home of the brave. The former has already tested a nuclear device, and the latter will do so any day soon. This is an insult to the greatest power on the surface of the earth. We have got to show them. If we back down now, we will be fighting them on the streets of Brooklyn, New Orleans and San Francisco.
But these two other members of the axis of evil are only the tip of the iceberg. There is a lot more work out there just crying to be done, lest people think, horrors, that we are only a paper tiger.
First, consider Cuba. Why were they not promoted to the Axis of Evil? (I hate to speak evil of anyone, but David Frum must be soft on commies). That is an insult to Communism. This is something up with which I will no longer put. It is time to be heard on this question. No; the time is already past. We must invade Cuba. Now! What better time then when they are in disarray, with the head commie languishing?
Next, while the powers that be in the U.S. have had their heads up their fundaments, socialism has been creeping all over Central and South America. In Mexico, leftie Lopez Obrador came within a cat’s whisker of toppling the conservative Felipe Calderon. Was Obrador a graceful loser? He was not. Instead of conceding, like a gentleman, lefties are not top drawer, he organized a mass sit-in at the capital. Next time he does anything like that, it’s time for the U.S. Marines to "make him an offer he can’t refuse." But this in only the tip of the iceberg in that part of the world. Before we even get to South America, we are going to have to settle the hash of socialist governments in Haiti, Costa Rica and Panama. A broom that sweeps clean, that’s what we need in that part of the world. And don’t tell me we don’t have the troops to accomplish these missions. Anyone ever hear of the military draft?
Now onward, or, rather, downward, to South America. This continent is a cauldron of socialism. Chavez in Venezuela, Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva in Brazil, Michelle Bachelet in Chile, Nestor Kirchner in Argentina, Evo Morales in Bolivia, this list goes on and on. Commies or commie-symps all. Okay, okay, this will take, maybe, more soldiers than we’ve got. Anyone ever hear of nuking ‘em? As the one country with the balls to use the bomb on actual people, even the threat of going nuclear ought to make these socialist US haters climb down from their soap boxes.
Whatever happened to the Monroe Doctrine? I know, I know, it originally was meant to keep European powers out of our backyard. But centuries change, and so do missions. As for the 21st, the U.S. must ensure that there are no regimes to the south of us not to our liking. "By any means necessary" must be our motto in this regard. Where would you rather fight these guys? In South America, or in Seattle, Miami and Chicago?
But this does not even begin to exhaust the regimes in need of a bit of the back of the American hand. High up on any to-do list in this regard must of course be Vietnam. This is the one blot on our copy book. We left that country with our tail between our legs. Anyone ever hear of the domino theory? If we leave things as they are in Vietnam, the commies will soon enter Thailand. Then the Philippines. Can Boston, Dallas and San Diego be far behind? No, we’ve got to go back there, and this time do it right! Why, they still have a jurisdiction named Ho Chi Minh City. This is an insult to our brave fighting men and women. I don’t care that Vietnam’s economy has been growing at a feverish clip. They have got to get their comeuppance for humiliating us. Back to the stone-age for the Vietnamese, say I.
China is getting a bit big for its britches. But they are not too big to be slapped down by a resurgent U.S. Who do they think they are exporting cheap goods to America, and creating domestic unemployment? Pax America requires that we put these people in their place. The thing to do here is to launch a land invasion of the country. I guarantee that within a few months we will have them begging us and suing for mercy. Having set an example in this country, there are few others who will dare try our patience.
I don’t like the looks of Putin either. Way too insolent for my tastes. He has a lean and hungry look about him. The only problem with winning the Cold War as we did, is that we never did get to "toss one into the men’s room of the Kremlin." This oversight can now be rectified. Now, when they least expect it, we can zap them.
And what about Pearl Harbor. Those evil Japs are responsible for the greatest outrage before 9/11. True, we did a good number on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but Orientals never learn. According to usually reliable sources, they are plotting something else behind our backs even as I speak. I say let’s level Tokyo. That’ll get them to think twice before ever messing with us again.
Speaking of that day of infamy, 9/11/01, 15 out of the 19 bombers were from, wait for it, Saudi Arabia. Yes, we’ve got to do a number on them as well. Mecca and Medina: nuclear waste. That will show all these A-rabs that we mean business.
Much as it pains me to attack a fellow modern day conservative, a brother in arms in imperialism as it were, a fellow warmonger, I must take issue with Michael Ledeen. His doctrine reads as follows: "Every ten years or so, the United States needs to pick up some small crappy little country and throw it against the wall, just to show the world we mean business." Now, of course, I agree, and enthusiastically so, with this sentiment. But it is so, well, moderate, wussy. Why only "every ten years or so?" Why not continuously and forever? These tin pot dictators, these modern day Hitlers, they need to know that Uncle Sam is the sheriff in town, lest they continue their obstreperous ways. Imagine, thinking they lead sovereign nations! There are just so many, many of them (see above) that picking on only one of them every ten years or so is hardly enough. And our troops are getting soft with their present inaction. They need blood, and on a regular basis. Then, what’s this business of "some small crappy little country?" I stand second to none in terms of my support for the bullying of small and weak nations. But what about the Big Boys? We have got to lay down the law, also, for the Russias and Chinas of the world. See, there is the difference between a committed, sincere, radical warmonger such as myself, and a sissy boy wanna be imperialist such as Ledeen. Only every ten years and weaklings only, indeed. Man up, Ledeen.
There will of course be carping critics who will call these great initiatives of mine into question. Do not listen to them. They are advocates of the cut-and-run philosophy. They denigrate the lives already given by U.S. servicemen. They are followers of that traitoress, Cindy Sheehan. They are not patriots. They are, rather, traitors to the American ideals of democracy and capitalism, like Justin Raimondo and Lew Rockwell. In that direction lies abject cowardice. We have got to "man up," if we are once again to be respected, and, yes, feared, by the world community. Yes, these great plans might mean the deaths of a few innocent people. But that is only collateral damage. We can and must ignore this. We must be willing to risk it. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Do not listen to these nattering nabobs of negativism.
(I am only kidding about this column. That is, about this entire column. I mean it only as a reductio ad absurdum. My tongue is firmly in my cheek all the way throughout. There is not a single word in it that I stand behind. I have a long paper trail attesting to the fact that I do not at all favor an expansionist imperialist foreign policy; see here, here, here, here, here and here. I am and always have been a follower in this regard of George Washington, who favored what would now be called an isolationist or strictly defensive foreign policy, and of Thomas Jefferson, who called for: “Peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations, entangling alliances with none.” And also of John Quincy Adams, who said: “America . . . goes not abroad seeking monsters to destroy.” "We favor the freedom of all nations, but will fight, only, to protect our own." So, please, do not write me attacking my sudden turn toward imperialism and an expansionist foreign policy. Do not ask Lew Rockwell to drop me from these pages, at least not for that reason.)
Dr. Block [send him mail] is a professor of economics at Loyola University New Orleans. Currently he is the Steven Berger Visiting Professor at the Ludwig von Mises Institute. He is the author of Defending the Undefendable.