Hey there nostalgia fans and potential survivors! Don’t you miss the good old days when baby boomers were babies? I sure do. Boy, those were fine times, ain’t we lucky we had u2018em!
CAUTION! Families Fleeing Nuclear Holocaust!
Think back to all the joys of the era: Elvis Presley in Blue Hawaii, A&W root beer drive-ins, The Ed Sullivan show! Oh that Topo Gigio! And what about Bill Dana as Jose Jimenez! Talk about wrong! Then there was the music, Rock Around The Clock by Bill Haley and his Comets! Roy Orbison singing for the lonely! And who can forget our shocked parents when the Fab Four with those scandalous hairdos sang I Wanna Hold Your Hand on national TV! Oh it does take one back to an era of having an innocence worth losing.
Well, that innocence is not all lost… yet! Yes, you, Mr. John Q. Public may have grown up, but there’s no need to leave the Wonderful World of Disney behind! Yes! You can relive the days of the Cold War when you cowered beneath your desk at school, when your Dad insisted on digging an air raid shelter and your Mom lived in fear of fluoridation. Thanks to the modern techno era, with one simple little device you can take a stroll down memory lane guided by state of the art technology.
Friends, let me tell you about "Nukalert"! What is Nukalert? Where can I get Nukalert you ask? Well let me tell you Nukalert is the hottest little commodity to go to earth since Joseph McCarthy first started searching for commie preeverts!
Nukalert is a small but powerful device that attaches to your key ring quick and easy. You can carry it wherever you go. Forget that iPod! Nukalert is your new best friend. Inside Nukalert’s attractive exterior are high-tech sensors, which send a "chirping" signal to alert you of dangerous nuke levels of radiation.
But wait, there’s more!
Nukalert can be yours for a modest cash outlay of only $160! Why, that’s no more than that big tax refund check Bush promised you! Buy two and save! Save! Save! Buy two and they will only cost you a piddling $145 each! That’s a whoppin’ 30 smackers of savings! You can take the Little Lady out for a night at The Chum Bucket Seafood Buffet!
I can tell by the look in your eyes you’re intrigued. Who wouldn’t be? Let me just say, you cannot afford to be without your Nukalert!
Remember the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis and backyard fallout shelters? How about phrases such as "duck and cover," "global reach," and "mutually assured destruction"? That’s right, the threat of nuclear holocaust is in style again! And you want to be ready! That’s where Nukalert comes in!
Laboratory tested! This product looks to be the best one out there. Too bad Bush and Cheney aren’t as smart as Nukalert’s inventors. Watch the video of Nukalert reacting to your dentist’s X-ray machine. Nukalert monitors levels of potentially deadly fallout and radiation. As your best buddy, Nukalert is keeping you safe at all times with it’s pleasant, but distinctive "weee, weee, weee" signals. Once you hear that, you know you have as much as several minutes to grab the wife and kids and head for the nearest deep mineshaft!
Common sense will tell you that a nucleus of specimens of the human species must be preserved. You sure as heck want to be in on that action!
What’s this you say? There’s no danger from nuclear fallout? It’s madness? Arms Control Treaties will prevent such disasters? Under what rock have you been living? Didn’t I read somewhere that Bush let the last treaty lapse? Sure as shootin’, we got u2018em and we’re gonna use u2018em!
Can you swear under oath and be absolutely positive the guy working the graveyard shift at the local convenience store doesn’t have a dirty bomb ticking away in the back of his puke green AMC Gremlin?
And let’s not forget those Iranians and North Koreans! You know what they’re up to. Nukes! And they’re gonna blow! But not if we incinerate them first! God willing, we will prevail through the purity and essence of our "precious bodily fluids"! Things are starting to look good, too. It’s been "a dream month for ballistic missile defense." Buddy, it sure had better be. According to one expert, “Currently, America has no effective defense against ballistic weapons fired from overseas, despite decades of effort and $95 billion dollars spent on trying to build such a defense."
So, Pilgrim, when those rockets head this way, there’s nothing between you and them except Nukalert.
Fact is, we all really need Nukalert. Let me lay it on the line for you. See, it’s like this: the United States is special. America has the dubious honor and chutzpah to be the only country that has actually used nuclear weapons on an enemy. As such, the U.S. is accorded a certain uh… respect?
However, suppose Bush launches a preemptive nuclear attack, which would make martyrs of the entire population of Iran or North Korea? The American homeland stands a good chance of losing that "respect."
The rest of the world will go absolutely bonkers. After all, nobody wants to be next. So each of the estimated 44 nations possessing nukes and ancient grudges will clamor to push the button. India and Pakistan will sterilize each other. North Korea will exterminate any country with US ties. You can kiss South Korea and Japan goodbye. To be safe, Japan has debated whether to adopt a more aggressive outlook. Japan and China are even making nice in preparation! Europe will try to survive if possible but don’t expect them to miss out on all the fun. The whole Northern Hemisphere will be ringed with nuclear fallout. Chernobyl shernobyl! You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!
That’s where your Nukalert will come in handy! So pick up one for each member of the whole family today! Be smart! Be the first on your block! Be part of the Surviving Elite with… NUKALERT!
(Disclaimer: Nukalert has NOT been tested around any of the members of the Bush Administration.)
Elizabeth Gyllensvard edited and contributed to this article.
Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.