Dear Dubya: Help's on the Way!

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Yo Dude! I’m here to help. It seems your numbers are going south like a duck in winter with a million Dead-Eye-Dicks taking aim. That’s so sad. You moan: "My fellow countrymen don’t understand me!" Well I do. I’ve got you all figured out.

You see I’ve found just the thing to assist your understanding of what really happened on September 11, 2001. Not only will it help you but also it could just clarify matters for a whole lotta other confused folk.

It’s this dang 9/11 Commission Report. It’s too damned long! It keeps falling off the back of the toilet and getting wet. That’s another good reason to put the seat down.

How is a busy man like your own self, supposed to wade through the whole Report thing anyway? There aren’t any Cliff Notes out — yet. Besides, you’re still trying to finish that book, The Pet Goat. And that blasted Report, well, just between you and me; I hear it’s a whitewash.

Then, there’s that other problem you have. No point in denying it anymore. Except for your little posse of staunch, brainwashed supporters — all of whom would fit nicely into the Green Zone… oops, I mean Green Room at Fox News — the whole world has figured it out. You’re suffering from some form of brain damage. Now some folks like Bill Maher think you’re just "mildly retarded." Despite that compliment, you and I know there’s more to it.

Your youthful days of toga parties are long over. You’ve seen the light, put them aside and sobered up. I’m proud of you. But, the glory days of bar hopping left their scars. You may very well be what AA terms a "Dry Drunk."

A Dry Drunk has all the symptoms of still being wasted but without any of the fun. Bummer. Alcohol shot as many gaps in your brain as a Texas speed limit sign has bullet holes. God I hate it when that happens to a world leader. It’s tragic: kinda like the late Idi Amin with his neurosyphilis. Well, I guess you and Idi have a few things in common. We all know you covet his title "His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Alhaji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Conqueror of the British Empire." Don’t forget to add "The Almighty Decider-in-Chief."

Look you’ve got all the Dry Drunk symptoms — grandiosity, black and white judgments, to name just two. You can do no wrong: Justice Gonzalez and justice department official Steven Bradbury will back you up. In your mind, people, countries, dogs and cats are either "with you or against you." There’s only good and evil. No room for a middle ground.

Ain’t no alternate viewpoints allowed in the Oval Office! Should some uppity Secretary of State actually get an appointment with POTUS and then dare to suggest there might not be any WMDs in Iraq, Iran or Lichtenstein, well, he’s gonna get your jack-boot implanted on his backside.

Then there’s the Dry Drunk indecisiveness. You still can’t decide which country to give Shock and Awe a second chance: Syria, Iran or North Korea. Let’s be frank, you didn’t know what to do five years ago when Andy Card told you the USA was under attack did you?

How about dishonesty? Now, don’t try to pretend you’re Honest Abe. We all can tell when you are lying because we can see your lips move.

I know this must come as quite a slap in the face. However, about that Dry Drunk Syndrome, sorry, only you can help yourself with that.

But, regarding that 9/11 Commission Report, well there is a way to make that more appetizing. Thanks to the fine work of artists Sid Jacobson and Ernie Colon and the good offices of SLATE, the Report has come out as an on-line Graphic Novel! That’s right, it’s called The 9/11 Report: a Graphic Adaptation. Now you can read it in comic book form just like Batman!

And man is it cool! It’s got everything: Dudes getting their heads blown off, planes crashing into buildings, sheep getting slaughtered and a whole parade of slimy suspicious characters. It’s way cool! You’re gonna dig it since you don’t have to be able read above 3th-grade level to get the message. With daring and skill, artists Jacobson and Colon have reduced a complicated Report into an easy to understand story. Something this concise is perfect for a Dry Drunk who exhibits childish behavior like farting for fun.

Oh yeah, in case it didn’t occur to you to click on the above link here it is again. Rock on Bro!

Now I hate to dash your hopes, but don’t expect the graphic novel to portray you as a masked avenger wearing a cape. I’m sure you’re disappointed.

Maybe you should get your agent, oops, I mean your functioning brain Karl Rove, to arrange an audition for you to be in one of those new online Harlequin romance novels…?

Until that happens, Slate’s graphic novel will wile away the lonely hours at that big desk of your Dad’s in the Oval Office.

Elizabeth Gyllensvard edited and contributed to this article.

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo, Japan as well as Los Angeles working in the entertainment industry. He is the primary caregiver of his eleven-year-old son and currently resides on Grand Cayman Island in the Caribbean.

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