Dear Dubya: The Iraq Solution!

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Hey there Georgie Boy, long time no speak. From what I’ve been hearing, you’ve had a rough time as of late. As always, I’m here to help. So put down that comic book: 9/11: A Graphic Adaptation, and listen up! I have The Solution.

I’ve noticed strain on your face. News reporters aren’t giving you the respect you think you deserve. Your hand puppet… er I mean right hand man, Tony Blair, with a little encouragement from outraged Labour Party MPs, is on the verge of moving out of Number 10 Downing Street. The courts are starting to tell you can’t sit around listening in on the party line anymore. And some smart aleck senators tried to tell you thumbscrews and swirlies were not acceptable! Obviously they didn’t belong to the same frat house you did. Good thing you put the kaibosh on that!

The worst of all is… Iraq. We always keep coming back to Iraq don’t we? It’s the big corncob up the POTUS butt. It ain’t working out. Anbar Province is all but lost. In Baghdad, bodies are piling up higher than that mountain of missing left socks in your laundry room.

Civil war is raging in this little Liberation Quagmire you’ve created.

Now don’t just sit there and imitate Bonzo. Something’s gotta be done. Like usual, you need someone to tell you what to do.

I have the solution. Ready? Here it goes.

Give Iraq back to Saddam Hussein. That’s right. You heard me! Give it back.

Get Saddam out of the dock and give it all back. I’m sure you’ve got some buddies who can make the arrangements. There’s "acting president" Dick Cheney. Boy does he have some clout. I mean, it sure looks like he was drunker than a skunk when he blasted that lawyer! But was his blood checked for hooch? No. Ever wonder why not? Or you can give Daddy a call. There have been whispers on the block that "family friends" have pulled plenty of strings for you in the past.

You say this sounds nuts? Piffle! You’re already mad as a hatter!

Who cares?

There’s no reason to keep Iraq anyway. Why?

First: Iraq is out of control plain and simple. You don’t have enough cannon fodder to police the joint. And even if you did, it’s pretty damned hard to tell who to kill. Killing all the Iraqis might work but then, that doesn’t qualify as "liberating" them, does it? There’s also the chance that extermination of the entire population of Iraq might make you look like a war criminal. We don’t want that! Your name could get mentioned in the same breath as Hitler’s… Oops! My mistake. People are already doing that. Oh well, you get the idea. So in Iraq, let’s rule out genocide… for now.

Second: You didn’t really invade Iraq to protect America did you? If protecting America had been your intention you would have actually tried to get that bin Laden fellow in Afghanistan. Instead you just let him go.

Third: You knew Saddam had no WMD. So we can rule out that excuse.

Fourth: Trying to liberate the people of Iraq is a whole lot of hooey and you know it. Do you seriously want us to believe we invaded Iraq to bring democracy to people who hate us for our freedoms? Hogwash!

Fifth: A Senate Panel has discovered that there was no link between Saddam and al-Qaeda.

Sixth: Some folk think you were after Iraqi oil and that makes sense. But that has not materialized. I think the oil was to be the icing on the cake.

Fact is, you wanted to get even with that blowhard Saddam who tried to kill your Daddy. What better way to punish Saddam than to make him sort out the murderous tribes. Besides, Saddam is a whole lot better at it than you are.

With me so far? I said put down that stupid comic book and pay attention!

O.K. give Iraq back to Saddam! It’s probably the worst thing you could ever do to him! Stick him with the mess! Pull out all U.S. troops and then get Tony Snow to do some of that spinning of the facts. Get Disney to make a "doculie" TV movie. No more American soldiers will get wasted. One of Osama’s big rallying cries to kill the American infidels will fizzle out because the U.S. won’t be occupiers anymore! And with the short-term memory of the American public it will all be forgotten as soon as the Super Bowl rolls around! I’m pulling for The New Orleans Saints, how about you?

You can’t lose!

Instead of you taking the blame, Saddam will be shown for being the evil ruthless dictator he is. It takes his style of old time dictator to crush the kind of chaos the American "liberation" has stirred up. As soon as Saddam hits his stride, he might even get Osama for you!

Once that mission’s accomplished, you can send Rummy over with a fruitcake to shake Saddam’s hand again and say, "Hey buddy, great job. No hard feelings?"

Of course if you don’t like that idea, you can just nuke Iran to Kingdom Come and the nuclear fall out will take care of the insurgents in Iraq… and Saddam to boot!

Elizabeth Gyllensvard edited and contributed to this article.

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles. Currently he resides somewhere in the Caribbean.

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