Boy howdy! Is it true? Can it be you’ve hit the big six-oh? Well, dang Bro, we gotta do somethin’ special to celebrate! I need to get you a one of a kind gift for the man who has everything… well, almost everything. There are a few things missin’ from your closet. Oh hell, whatever, you are The Man. So something’ really kick ass is in line.
Now what to do?
How about a Shrubbery? Ha, just kidding. It’s my sense of humor.
Ok, since you’re one of the most bloodied red… er… I mean red-blooded Americans who ever lived; my first thought was a baseball team! Play ball! But… uh… I guess you had one didn’t you? From what I hear, it didn’t really work out. Oh well. Maybe we can come up with some other sporting event.
Let’s see… hm… Well you are the most powerful man in the world and the ruler of a vast Empire of Freedom and Democracy. I got it! We’ll book the Astrodome and feed some Christians to the lions! Oh wait… not a good idea. We are the Christians. Okay well, how about we feed some Muslims to the lions?! It’ll get better ratings than the Superbowl AND American Idol combined! Oh but then, I guess you are already doing that in Iraq. Never mind.
Well, I know you are one heck of a Party Animal. So the obvious choice would be a Toga Party complete with all the debauchery you could want. Best of all it coincides with that Emperor image. We can even get a blond bimbo to dance around naked! How about Anne Coulter? Maybe she could sing "Happy Birthday Mr. President" in a sultry voice? Oh but wait… we’ll have to invite Dead Eye Dick. That may not be such a good idea. You know how he gets when he’s all liquored up. Don’t want to get peppered with birdshot on your birthday. Ok, scratch that idea.
Say… I’ve got a good one! What self-respecting Emperor doesn’t just love a Head on a Plate? It’s pretty danged Biblical too. How about Osama bin Laden? That would be nice. It wouldn’t hurt your ratings any either. The problem there is, well… if you can’t catch him how do you expect me to snag him, let alone lop off his noggin? Too bad. That would be a real crowd pleaser not to mention how great it would look over the mantel in Crawford. Can you imagine what a conversation piece it would be? "Hey George! Where’d ya git the head"? "It’s Osama." "In a pig’s eye!" "Swear to God Teddy. My gitar teacher Tom Chartier got it for me on my sixtieth." "No kidding! How much does he charge for lessons anyway?" Maybe that’s not such a great idea. I mean you guys are two peas in a pod. Where would either of you be without the other? Nowhere.
This is getting tough. Hm… The Supreme Court and Corporate America gave you one election. That other big company who makes those electronic voting machines gave you another. Supposedly you’re only allowed two. And you just bought yourself Mexico…. Three might be a tad too much. We’ll see about that. Maybe for Christmas …..if you’re good.
Oh! Oh! Oh! I got it! How about a new improved title that more accurately reflects who you really are? Yeah baby! POTUS sounds kind of dumb and nobody thinks you’re dumb! Ok, maybe Cheney, Rumsfeld, 70% of America and 90% of the rest of the world, but who pays attention to stats? Other countries have "presidents" too. Something better is required. Emperor and Caesar might be great for that toga party but they have bad connotations. King? Naw, too British sounding. Fhrer? Oops… sorry, never mind. Ok, let’s try this Stetson on for size. Iran, you know those guys lined up next in the cross hairs, have above their president a "Supreme Leader." Now you don’t want to be out done do you? Of course not! So it needs to pack a bigger wallop. And since you answer to a higher authority how about: The Almighty Decider in Chief! Thought you’d like it. So be it.
Now for the icing on the cake, I’ve got a little surprise I’ve been keeping hidden in the broom closet. A brand new Amendment to the Constitution! You’re gonna love it. It’ll make you life so much simpler. Here it is.
From this day forth, the sixtieth birthday of The Almighty Decider in Chief, The First, 2006, The Almighty Decider in Chief shall make all decisions without hindrance or interference from the Supreme Court or the Congress of the United States. All laws of the land shall be forever irrelevant to The Almighty Decider in Chief. All Final Decisions and Solutions put forth by The Almighty Decider in Chief shall become unquestionable law revocable only by decisions from The Almighty Decider in Chief. The Almighty Decider in Chief shall remain in office without contest until the day He should decide to vacate.
How about that one! There you go! That pretty much solves all your problems doesn’t it? I knew you’d like it. Happy Birthday ya big lunk!
Special thanks to Elizabeth Gyllensvard for the idea and the editing.
Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo, Japan as well as Los Angeles working in the entertainment industry. He is the primary caregiver of his ten-year-old son and currently resides on Grand Cayman Island in the Caribbean.