In a fantastic development yesterday, a terrorist being held captive by Philistine Secret Police was able to topple two support pillars to which he was bound, causing the roof structure of the Temple of Dagon to completely disintegrate. Several thousand people, including terrorist Samson Menoahson, were killed in the collapse, and more injuries are being reported hourly.
Police Chief Delma Sharaa said, "I've never seen anything like this in my 23 years with the PSP. The temple was nothing but rubble within minutes of the collapse of the roof. We are looking into the possibility of accomplices, and certainly into the allegation that the prisoner had been taking steroids secretly smuggled into his cell at the PSP lockdown site."
Menoahson, a member and known leader of an extremist Israeli terrorist movement calling itself Bar El Shaddai, and himself a fanatic known as a Nazirite, had been captured in 2003 after several terrorist acts, including the destruction of a vineyard and olive orchards by fire and the slaughter of several thousand Philistine regular troops in a narrow pass where authorities suspect he had other members of his sect hidden.
In October of 2003, with assistance from Menoahson's Philistine live-in girlfriend Delilah Abarbaros, PSP undercover agents were able to discover that Menoahson's strength was allegedly connected with his long hair, worn in seven dreadlocks Rasta-style. After cutting his hair in a daring night-time raid on his home, Menoahson was reportedly rendered weak enough for the PSP to take him into custody.
"During his incarceration," said Sharaa, "he was allowed to let his hair grow out again. No one was paying attention. We intend to look into this oversight and make necessary corrections so that such an act will not be repeated."
When asked why Menoahson had been in detention without a trial or a hearing, Sharaa replied that he was a known enemy combatant who claims his citizenship is in Zion, a highly militant state within the nation of Israel. "He gets no privileges of citizenship in Philistine," stated Sharaa.
Sharaa further commented that Menoahson had been in jail long enough to allow his hair to grow back to its previous length because of "liberals in the courts looking out for the rights of the enemy. The people have rights, too. And one of those is the right to be safe from the fear of terrorists. We should have executed this terrorist when we had the chance."
Sharaa has been at the center of controversy for the last several years because of what some are calling "excessive tactics" used on inmates at the infamous Belly of Baal prison in Gaza, the location of the main office of the PSP. It was discovered last year that when Menoahson was captured in 2003, he was immediately taken to the Belly where PSP agents blinded him using red-hot irons. According to a spokesperson for the Belly who wished to remain anonymous, this kind of activity was considered "normal and necessary".
The PCLU subsequently filed a complaint with the High Court, asking for a permanent injunction against Sharaa and the PSP. In July of 2004, the Court ordered a temporary stay of all executions and torture of enemy combatants until it had a chance to review the case and hand down a final decision.
"That was over a year ago! We need the Court to get out of the way so that we can protect this country!" lamented Sharaa at a recent press conference sponsored by the government to attempt to defuse the national tension caused by this recent revelation of government brutality.
The Philistine Bureau of Homeland Security had staged this most recent Temple event to display the captured Menoahson to a civilian population grown weary from terrorist acts perpetrated by Bar El Shaddai.
"It was intended to give people renewed faith in their government …faith in the system that has been so steadily under attack since Menoahson and his followers began this terrorist campaign about three years ago." So said Philistine President Golaeka Brundeesee in a press conference held last night, at which Chief Sharaa also appeared.
In response to this latest terrorist attack and its massive carnage, President Brundeesee has issued several Executive Orders. Invoking his emergency powers, he issued orders regulating the hair-length of all males, and criminalizing the production and distribution of all steroids. "A few liberties will have to be sacrificed in order to fight this terrorist campaign, but the Philistine people have always risen to the occasion when trouble has struck in the past."
The PSP is still looking for two associates of Menoahson, allegedly in the immediate vicinity of the Temple just prior to its collapse. Chief Sharaa closed the press conference with these words about the missing terrorists. "They can be easily distinguished from the patriots in our community…they wear their hair in dreadlocks. If you see anybody who looks like that, please call us as soon as possible. Remember, terrorists can be members of your own family.! Only a vigilant citizenry can truly protect us all."
"However," continued Sharaa, "there is certainly little reason to fear further terrorist attempts, because the PSP has instituted sweeping changes in its procedural structure, allowing the agency to acquire information more quickly and from other agencies with none of the "walls of obscurity" that formerly existed in our old security hierarchy. With our enhanced level of security and internal communication, this nation will last long into the future, and will be a safe haven for its citizens long after the Israelis disappear from the face of the earth."
May 11, 2006
