Suicide Strongman Levels Temple!

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In a fantastic
development yesterday, a terrorist being held captive by Philistine
Secret Police was able to topple two support pillars to which he
was bound, causing the roof structure of the Temple of Dagon to
completely disintegrate. Several thousand people, including terrorist
Samson Menoahson, were killed in the collapse, and more injuries
are being reported hourly.

Police Chief
Delma Sharaa said, "I've never seen anything like this in my
23 years with the PSP. The temple was nothing but rubble within
minutes of the collapse of the roof. We are looking into the possibility
of accomplices, and certainly into the allegation that the prisoner
had been taking steroids secretly smuggled into his cell at the
PSP lockdown site."

Menoahson,
a member and known leader of an extremist Israeli terrorist movement
calling itself Bar El Shaddai, and himself a fanatic known as a
Nazirite, had been captured in 2003 after several terrorist acts,
including the destruction of a vineyard and olive orchards by fire
and the slaughter of several thousand Philistine regular troops
in a narrow pass where authorities suspect he had other members
of his sect hidden.

In October
of 2003, with assistance from Menoahson's Philistine live-in girlfriend
Delilah Abarbaros, PSP undercover agents were able to discover that
Menoahson's strength was allegedly connected with his long hair,
worn in seven dreadlocks Rasta-style. After cutting his hair in
a daring night-time raid on his home, Menoahson was reportedly rendered
weak enough for the PSP to take him into custody.

"During
his incarceration," said Sharaa, "he was allowed to let
his hair grow out again. No one was paying attention. We intend
to look into this oversight and make necessary corrections so that
such an act will not be repeated."

When asked
why Menoahson had been in detention without a trial or a hearing,
Sharaa replied that he was a known enemy combatant who claims his
citizenship is in Zion, a highly militant state within the nation
of Israel. "He gets no privileges of citizenship in Philistine,"
stated Sharaa.

Sharaa further
commented that Menoahson had been in jail long enough to allow his
hair to grow back to its previous length because of "liberals
in the courts looking out for the rights of the enemy. The people
have rights, too. And one of those is the right to be safe from
the fear of terrorists. We should have executed this terrorist when
we had the chance."

Sharaa has
been at the center of controversy for the last several years because
of what some are calling "excessive tactics" used on inmates
at the infamous Belly of Baal prison in Gaza, the location of the
main office of the PSP. It was discovered last year that when Menoahson
was captured in 2003, he was immediately taken to the Belly where
PSP agents blinded him using red-hot irons. According to a spokesperson
for the Belly who wished to remain anonymous, this kind of activity
was considered "normal and necessary".

The PCLU subsequently
filed a complaint with the High Court, asking for a permanent injunction
against Sharaa and the PSP. In July of 2004, the Court ordered a
temporary stay of all executions and torture of enemy combatants
until it had a chance to review the case and hand down a final decision.

"That
was over a year ago! We need the Court to get out of the way so
that we can protect this country!" lamented Sharaa at a recent
press conference sponsored by the government to attempt to defuse
the national tension caused by this recent revelation of government
brutality.

The Philistine
Bureau of Homeland Security had staged this most recent Temple event
to display the captured Menoahson to a civilian population grown
weary from terrorist acts perpetrated by Bar El Shaddai.

"It was
intended to give people renewed faith in their government …faith
in the system that has been so steadily under attack since Menoahson
and his followers began this terrorist campaign about three years
ago." So said Philistine President Golaeka Brundeesee in a
press conference held last night, at which Chief Sharaa also appeared.

In response
to this latest terrorist attack and its massive carnage, President
Brundeesee has issued several Executive Orders. Invoking his emergency
powers, he issued orders regulating the hair-length of all males,
and criminalizing the production and distribution of all steroids.
"A few liberties will have to be sacrificed in order to fight
this terrorist campaign, but the Philistine people have always risen
to the occasion when trouble has struck in the past."

The PSP
is still looking for two associates of Menoahson, allegedly in the
immediate vicinity of the Temple just prior to its collapse. Chief
Sharaa closed the press conference with these words about the missing
terrorists. "They can be easily distinguished from the patriots
in our community…they wear their hair in dreadlocks. If you see
anybody who looks like that, please call us as soon as possible.
Remember, terrorists can be members of your own family.!
Only a vigilant citizenry can truly protect us all."

"However,"
continued Sharaa, "there is certainly little reason to fear
further terrorist attempts, because the PSP has instituted sweeping
changes in its procedural structure, allowing the agency to acquire
information more quickly and from other agencies with none of the
"walls of obscurity" that formerly existed in our old
security hierarchy. With our enhanced level of security and internal
communication, this nation will last long into the future, and will
be a safe haven for its citizens long after the Israelis disappear
from the face of the earth."

May
11, 2006

Michael
Paul Tuuri [send him
mail
] is an attorney in California, holds a Juris Doctor degree
from JFK School of Law and is the founder of I’m
As Mad As Hell.com
.

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