This Is a Football

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Legend has
it that Green Bay Packers Head Coach Vince Lombardi was especially
disturbed after practice one day. So he gathered them all for a
team meeting, where he announced that he thought they were making
some progress — until today. He went on that they were going to
start with the basics. He then held up a football and announced
"this is a football."

I don't have
much hope that the President has the same capacity to understand
or execute as the Packers, proven by the fact that Lombardi's teams
were synonymous with success, while the current administration is
equated with a far different level of performance. But no one can
question that Lombardi's approach was effective. As such, we will
borrow one of his tactics — getting back to the basics.

We must first
acknowledge that nobody can make the statement "I thought we
were making a little progress, until today" to the gang at
1600 Pennsylvania. But regardless, we could hold up a copy of the
Constitution and begin:

  1. This is
    the Constitution. Read it or have someone read it to you. You'll
    probably need someone to explain it to you. Karl Rove is not a
    good choice for either job since he needs someone to explain it
    to him, too. Don't call anyone at the Department of Education,
    either. Reading, understanding and teaching are not their strong
    points. Ron Paul is a good choice for the job, if he has the time.
    If not, have him find somebody for you.
  2. God is not
    talking to you or through you. Neither is the neighbor's dog.
    The good news is that help is available if you are hearing voices.
    The first step to recovery will have to be your resignation. The
    idea that the leader of the free world is making decisions based
    on voices in his head does not inspire confidence.
  3. If you believe
    that your words create the truth, there is help available for
    that, too. But again, the first step is to resign. The country
    does not need delusional leaders. We have enough of those already.
  4. On the subject
    of truth, try telling it sometime. Don't spin it, talk around
    it or deny it when it surfaces. Don't "create" it. Your
    created truths have killed enough people already. If your name
    was Pinocchio, your nose would be long enough to stretch from
    home plate to second base by now.
  5. You can
    actually veto spending bills. Some of us believe it is your duty.
    Signing them all and then applauding a budget bill, saying that
    Congress is finally showing some fiscal discipline makes as much
    sense as buying a new car, signing the finance papers and then
    complaining that you have to make payments. Frankly, you sign
    checks the way Henry Blake used to sign the papers that Radar
    put in front of him. Here's a good rule of thumb: if you signed
    your name to it you are equally responsible.
  6. Not every
    country, person or thing in the world falls into the classifications
    of "them" or "us." As a matter of fact, since
    you think that anyone who disagrees with you on anything is one
    of "them," nobody wants to be part of your "us."
    You'll find that people normally are "us" on some things
    and "them" on others.
  7. The military
    should not be viewed like they are little, green, plastic soldiers.
    You can't have your dad go out and buy more when you destroy them,
    maim them, or have too few for your ambitions. There are plenty
    if you just bring them back to our own soil where they belong.
    It is called the Department of Defense for a reason, not the Department
    of Worldwide Empire Building. Properly used, they can be quite
    helpful during natural disasters when they are actually here with
    "us" and not there with "them."
  8. Stop using
    Halliburton like Wiley Coyote uses Acme. Not every single world
    event is cause to give them more taxpayer money.
  9. The word
    is "noo-klee-er." There is no such word as "noo-kue-ler."
    It's no wonder Tehran and Pyongyang won't listen to what you say
    – they can't understand anything you are talking about. By
    the way, Iraq had none, regardless of how the word is mispronounced.
  10. Knock off
    the Forrest Gump routine in front of the cameras. When we are
    discussing a pending economic meltdown due to huge Government
    and private debt, we don't care what they always say in Texas.
    If we did, you'd bollix it up anyway. Besides, Forrest Gump was
    better at expressing ideas and his made more sense.
  11. If you really
    want to protect Americans, promote prosperity and restore hope,
    get the Government off our backs instead of making it larger,
    more intrusive, more expensive and more authoritarian. We don't
    need your kind of help. Government is about as much help as a
    Gorilla is at threading a needle. Believe it or not, people are
    pretty good at solving their own problems unless the Government
    makes that impossible by helping.
  12. Keep the
    Vice-President away from guns. Keep him away from sharp objects,
    cameras, microphones and people, too. He is the only person on
    earth with a lower job approval rating than you these days. His
    sole purpose is that the thought of him as president keeps Congress
    from impeaching you.
  13. Read the
    Pledge of Allegiance. In a free society, a pledge of allegiance
    is a potentially dangerous thing, but there are a few good things
    in there. Here are some hints: the words "under God"
    are not the most important. They weren't even part of the original
    pledge. Pay particular attention to the words "with liberty
    and justice for all." And you'll notice that it refers to
    the country as a republic, not a monarchy, dictatorship or theocracy.
  14. Don't lecture
    other sovereign countries on human rights, elections or how they
    should handle their own affairs. Thanks to you, we are the ones
    holding prisoners indefinitely without charging them with anything.
    Again, thanks to you, we torture and humiliate those we hold.
    We spy on our own citizenry. Our own elections are not exactly
    models of order, as evidenced by how often the judiciary has to
    figure out what happened. And we have unmanageable public and
    private debt. You lecturing anyone on those matters is like Hannibal
    Lecter giving a seminar on the evils of red meat in the diet.

Should the
voices in your head advise you to take the high road and resign,
take Cheney, your minions and handlers with you. I doubt that Lew
Rockwell wants to waste web space republishing these tips every
two months. It is quite embarrassing that we've come to this point.
But we just can't afford another two years and nine-plus months
of the same routine.

Alas, I'm afraid
I'd have better luck with "this is a football."

27, 2006

Schell [send him mail]
is a freelance writer from Northern Virginia.

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