Legend has it that Green Bay Packers Head Coach Vince Lombardi was especially disturbed after practice one day. So he gathered them all for a team meeting, where he announced that he thought they were making some progress – until today. He went on that they were going to start with the basics. He then held up a football and announced "this is a football."

I don't have much hope that the President has the same capacity to understand or execute as the Packers, proven by the fact that Lombardi's teams were synonymous with success, while the current administration is equated with a far different level of performance. But no one can question that Lombardi's approach was effective. As such, we will borrow one of his tactics – getting back to the basics.

We must first acknowledge that nobody can make the statement "I thought we were making a little progress, until today" to the gang at 1600 Pennsylvania. But regardless, we could hold up a copy of the Constitution and begin:

1. This is the Constitution. Read it or have someone read it to you. You'll probably need someone to explain it to you. Karl Rove is not a good choice for either job since he needs someone to explain it to him, too. Don't call anyone at the Department of Education, either. Reading, understanding and teaching are not their strong points. Ron Paul is a good choice for the job, if he has the time. If not, have him find somebody for you.
2. God is not talking to you or through you. Neither is the neighbor's dog. The good news is that help is available if you are hearing voices. The first step to recovery will have to be your resignation. The idea that the leader of the free world is making decisions based on voices in his head does not inspire confidence.
3. If you believe that your words create the truth, there is help available for that, too. But again, the first step is to resign. The country does not need delusional leaders. We have enough of those already.
4. On the subject of truth, try telling it sometime. Don't spin it, talk around it or deny it when it surfaces. Don't "create" it. Your created truths have killed enough people already. If your name was Pinocchio, your nose would be long enough to stretch from home plate to second base by now.
5. You can actually veto spending bills. Some of us believe it is your duty. Signing them all and then applauding a budget bill, saying that Congress is finally showing some fiscal discipline makes as much sense as buying a new car, signing the finance papers and then complaining that you have to make payments. Frankly, you sign checks the way Henry Blake used to sign the papers that Radar put in front of him. Here's a good rule of thumb: if you signed your name to it you are equally responsible.
6. Not every country, person or thing in the world falls into the classifications of "them" or "us." As a matter of fact, since you think that anyone who disagrees with you on anything is one of "them," nobody wants to be part of your "us." You'll find that people normally are "us" on some things and "them" on others.
7. The military should not be viewed like they are little, green, plastic soldiers. You can't have your dad go out and buy more when you destroy them, maim them, or have too few for your ambitions. There are plenty if you just bring them back to our own soil where they belong. It is called the Department of Defense for a reason, not the Department of Worldwide Empire Building. Properly used, they can be quite helpful during natural disasters when they are actually here with "us" and not there with "them."
8. Stop using Halliburton like Wiley Coyote uses Acme. Not every single world event is cause to give them more taxpayer money.
9. The word is "noo-klee-er." There is no such word as "noo-kue-ler." It's no wonder Tehran and Pyongyang won't listen to what you say – they can't understand anything you are talking about. By the way, Iraq had none, regardless of how the word is mispronounced.
10. Knock off the Forrest Gump routine in front of the cameras. When we are discussing a pending economic meltdown due to huge Government and private debt, we don't care what they always say in Texas. If we did, you'd bollix it up anyway. Besides, Forrest Gump was better at expressing ideas and his made more sense.
11. If you really want to protect Americans, promote prosperity and restore hope, get the Government off our backs instead of making it larger, more intrusive, more expensive and more authoritarian. We don't need your kind of help. Government is about as much help as a Gorilla is at threading a needle. Believe it or not, people are pretty good at solving their own problems unless the Government makes that impossible by helping.
12. Keep the Vice-President away from guns. Keep him away from sharp objects, cameras, microphones and people, too. He is the only person on earth with a lower job approval rating than you these days. His sole purpose is that the thought of him as president keeps Congress from impeaching you.
13. Read the Pledge of Allegiance. In a free society, a pledge of allegiance is a potentially dangerous thing, but there are a few good things in there. Here are some hints: the words "under God" are not the most important. They weren't even part of the original pledge. Pay particular attention to the words "with liberty and justice for all." And you'll notice that it refers to the country as a republic, not a monarchy, dictatorship or theocracy.
14. Don't lecture other sovereign countries on human rights, elections or how they should handle their own affairs. Thanks to you, we are the ones holding prisoners indefinitely without charging them with anything. Again, thanks to you, we torture and humiliate those we hold. We spy on our own citizenry. Our own elections are not exactly models of order, as evidenced by how often the judiciary has to figure out what happened. And we have unmanageable public and private debt. You lecturing anyone on those matters is like Hannibal Lecter giving a seminar on the evils of red meat in the diet.

Should the voices in your head advise you to take the high road and resign, take Cheney, your minions and handlers with you. I doubt that Lew Rockwell wants to waste web space republishing these tips every two months. It is quite embarrassing that we've come to this point. But we just can't afford another two years and nine-plus months of the same routine.

Alas, I'm afraid I'd have better luck with "this is a football."

March 27, 2006

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