To: I. Lewis u201CScooteru201D Libby
From: The Office of the Vice President of the United States
Dear Mr. Libby,
The honorable Richard B. Cheney, (a.k.a. u201Cactingu201D President of the United States), would like to honor your fine dedicated service to this office and the People of the United States of America. Your distinguished self-sacrifice in the pursuit of democracy and freedom throughout the world should not go unrewarded.
“You dirty rat”!
The Vice President recognizes that recent unfortunate events may have cast aspersions on your role in the War On Terror and your loyalty to President Cheney, ooops, I mean, Bush. You have been placed in an awkward public position in which you have been subjected to numerous false and rash accusations and undeserved and cruel humiliations.
Indeed, far too much stress has been placed on you as of late. Is this the result of misunderstanding or is it the direct consequence of a terrorist plot?
One would not wish to say anything publicly, under oath or otherwise, which could hinder our noble cause of spreading democracy and making the world safe from further terrorist attacks.
Therefore, the Vice President would like to cordially invite you to an informal quail-hunting trip in Texas.
“Go ahead! Make my day”!
Recognizing that your relationship with him may have become strained as a result of your situation, the Vice President issues an executive order stating that you must report for a weekend of R&R. A chance to kick off your shoes with an old buddy is long overdue. A holiday with a mandate to get back to nature can do wonders to ventilate the soul. Indeed it is the Vice President’s sincere desire to assist you in this. It is Heaven out there, and Heaven is a place the Vice President feels you deserve to go.
Rest assured all expenses will be paid. All costs will be tacked onto an appropriations bill as u201Cpest control — rodent extermination.u201D You will be able to rest in peace, guilt and stress free, as a result of a much-deserved holiday.
You need not worry yourself about what to bring either. A small overnight bag will be more than adequate.
Hunting rifles, ordnance and all the other accoutrement of La Regle du jeu will be provided.
“What? Me worry”?
The Vice President has a very special gun reserved just for you. He is most eager to demonstrate his state of the art, military use only, automatic shotgun in your presence. He is confident you will find its high-powered, rapid-fire capabilities most enlightening.
The Vice President would also like to reassure you that the recent incident involving 78-year-old Harry Whittington was entirely Mr. Whittington’s fault. The victim of a simple, non-fatal hunting accident, Mr. Whittington has taken it all in good humor and is doing well.
Neither can the Vice President be held accountable for Mr. Whittington’s senile incompetence in the field nor can he be blamed for Whittington’s stupid disregard of proper hunting etiquette.
Nevertheless, Mr. Whittington was only lightly peppered with birdshot from the Vice President’s gun. The Vice President feels confident he will do better next time. As in the past, you will have nothing about which to worry. The Vice President will certainly take good care of you.
The Vice President is sure his kind and most generous offer will be one you cannot refuse. In fact, your presence is not merely requested but required. Please be ready and prepared to be picked up at your office this coming Friday, February 17 by two Secret Service men who will escort you to your final destination. The Vice President is looking forward to taking you out at the fore mentioned quail-hunting soiree.
Edited by Elizabeth Gyllensvard.
Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo, Japan as well as Los Angeles working in the entertainment industry. He is the primary caregiver of his ten-year-old son and currently resides on Grand Cayman Island in the Caribbean.