Inside of every smoker there’s an anti-government, anti-tax revolutionary trying to get out.
Anatomy of a column: As I am still recuperating from my New Year injuries, I have some time on my hands for a change. Sitting in front of my computer and fooling around with an idea or two, the following piece started to take shape.
Smokers of the world: stop paying cigarette tax and live longer!
Do you hate the government? I mean really hate the government? Smart people everywhere do. Are you sick of being taxed and taxed and then taxed some more, and getting nothing but grief in return? Do you just want to be left alone? Do you want your money back? Of course you do.
Well, what are you going to do about it, smartie? Just sit there? No. You are going to join with decent, hard-working, law-abiding citizens (like me) and fight back. From today, you and I are going to retrieve a bit of satisfaction and improve our lives! From today we are going to kick them where the sun doesn’t shine: in their wallets!
I was trying out some slogans to go with this article, and then the hair on my back stood on end when the genius inside of me added:
Live Longer Through Paying Less in Taxes! Proven Results! Really Works! Free!
I cackled to myself and continued with the press release:
"Tokyo, Japan — The worlds of science and politics were rocked today by the news that a man in Tokyo has proven beyond a shadow of doubt that, on average, a $2.70 per day reduction in certain tax payments will increase his lifespan by over two hours per day. This will give him so much extra time that he is unable to compute it on a regular handheld calculator.
"Over a ten-year-period, by continuing to refuse to pay those same taxes, Mr Spike Rogers (sic) will save over $10,000 in real cash, plus a minimum of $250,000 in what he refers to (and has trademarked as) u2018Bonus Dollars’™."
Bonus Dollars™ are a recent invention of mine. They have no monetary value in the usual sense. They are whatever you feel is the cash value of enduring the crap you have to put up with at any given time. They are also known as Suffering & Perseverance Cash™ and are non-redeemable.
Back to those humming newswires:
"Mr Rogers said: u2018There’s only eight numbers — I believe they are called digits — on my calculator display, and when I multiply the two hours per day by 365 days by ten years, I just get confused and the calculator shows an error sign. I’ve never really been worth a whiff in math.’
"Governments from Washington to London to Tokyo are doing their best to contain the wildfire-like spread of information concerning this amazing discovery. The entire free world shudders at the u2018Live Longer through Paying Less in Taxes’ program."
I stop writing. "Gee," I think, "the editorial staff at Lew Rockwell torpedoed every article I’ve ever written about not paying taxes. I shall have to watch my step."
I write on:
Just how does a man stop paying some taxes and increase thereby his lifespan as well as his wealth? How does this amazing scientific breakthrough work? Read on and learn how you can do the same thing — and do your share to bring down the Bush regime, bash the War Party, kick the Democrats, and help to put an end to war while you’re at it.
Okay; sounds pretty good so far. I continue:
I get mad sometimes, I really do. I found out late last year that, as of April of this year, the racketeering organization known as Japan Tobacco Corporation, in cahoots with the Japanese government, plans to raise cigarette taxes by approximately 11 per cent per pack. This has caused much consternation among smokers in Japan, who had to put up with a similar tax hike in 2005. Oh! I hate those guys. I decided that this was one tax raise that these criminals weren’t going to get from me!
I stew for a while.
I look in the mirror and take a drag of my cigarette. I put it out. That, I tell myself, will be the last cigarette that I will smoke — ever. I decide that I will begin an anti-tax movement that will take the world by storm. I am, as of today, on a one-man mission from God that is about to burst into a worldwide phenomenon, and you can join.
You ask, how can you join? Well, the only entry requirement is that you are a smoker. You already know all about the health risks (and then some) that smoking cigarettes involve. The anti-smoking Nazis have been telling you that for years. They say that smoking just one cigarette takes seven minutes off your life. You’d also know that about 47 per cent of the cost of each pack represents federal taxes and that state tax averages another 69.5 cents per pack. As a smoker, you’d be aware that cigarettes are bad for you, and that you could save more than a few dollars every day if you would just quit smoking.
If you would . . . if you could . . . just quit smoking.
That’s a big "if," though, isn’t it? It is nearly impossible to quit smoking — or at least it was, until you read this article. I’m going to show you how to quit smoking in three days. You read that right. You will read this article and quit smoking in three days or you will receive a 100 per cent refund.
If you are a smoker, then you’ve already tried to quit, and failed. I know. I’ve failed many times before myself. But not this time; this time I figured out how to quit in only three days and stay quit — and it really works. No cassette tapes, no nicotine patches, no hypnosis, nothing … and all at no cost to you! This is the ultimate get-even, quit smoking program.
How does it work?
It’s simple. Here are the easy steps towards becoming a non-smoker in three days. If you keep in mind these simple points, starting now, for the next three days and then on every day after that, I guarantee that you will become a non-smoker.
Look, I’m not joking here. As you know, all people who quit smoking are generally irritable for the first few days. Well, I’ve been irritable for 72 consecutive days now, so don’t make me explain this to you more than once. Pay attention!
If you wish to stop smoking right now, think about these things.
- Those stinking taxes. Don’t you hate those stinking taxes? The cost of cigarettes is almost all tax. What kind of an idiot volunteers to pay taxes? Are you dumb? No, you are not. You hate those stinking taxes.
- Your right wing-nut brother, uncle, and brother-in-law. Don’t you hate your right wing-nut brother, uncle, and brother-in-law? Why do you hate them? Because they are cheerleaders for Bush. What kind of person is a cheerleader for Bush? Dummies. Are you dumb? No, you are not. You hate those right wing-nut dummies. (Note: if by some miracle your close family members are not mostly certifiable, you may substitute your neighbors or colleagues here.)
- That idiot Bush. Don’t you hate that idiot Bush? Why do you hate him? Because he’s an idiot. Are you an idiot? No, you are not. You hate that idiot Bush.
If you really want to bring down the fascist regime then choke off their tax dollars! Thereby you’ll be getting back at your stupid family and that idiot in the White House — all the while quitting cigarettes and living longer. Realize who the real Nazis are and you’ll put that cigarette out right now!
I’m serious and it really works. Think about how stupid and hypocritical you appear to be, considering the fact that you hate the Nazis, yet you support them financially by putting your lips around a butt and sucking on it — I mean, you support them by buying cigarettes.
Don’t do it. Put that cigarette out. Now, every time you get an urge for a cigarette or you become irritable because you’ve quit, think about just how much you hate your brother, your uncle, and your brother-in-law. Visualize that idiot in the White House smirking at you as you light up.
Come on. More than 50 per cent of the cost of a pack of cigarettes is tax! Don’t support these scum. Remember it is the Nazis that are doing this to you. Are you a mere tool of the fascists? No, you are not.
Every time I have a craving for a cigarette, all I have to do is think about how much I really hate Bush and my idiot family in America. All those ruined dinners and pointless arguments; all those beautiful evenings wasted listening to that bozo in the White House butcher the English language. If getting back at them is not enough motivation to quit smoking cigarettes, then I figure that I’ll never quit. So far it’s worked like a charm.
Do you smoke? Do you want to quit? Have you argued with idiot family members about Bush? Do you hate Bush? Do you secretly hate your idiot family members (you know, the ones who are supposedly "educated" yet who think Bush is the second coming of Christ?). Well then, my friend, I just showed you the best mind-control method of quitting. Every time you want a cigarette, just picture that idiot brother’s face in your mind. Or George Dubya’s. Remember: They are the Nazis and you hate them. This works great for me and it will work for you. Of course, I wouldn’t write this stuff if it weren’t true.
I thank my stooge family, and Adolf Hitler (Dubya in the White House). Sure they’ve joined together in screwing up America and our world with it, but they also helped me to quit smoking cigarettes. I mean, we’ve got to find some way to benefit from having that idiot in the White House, right?
The article is finally finished. I figure with my genius strategy that anyone can quit smoking in three days; and, with the money saved, will be able to buy enough booze to eat and drink themselves to death within a year of Hillary becoming president in 2008. I grin. What a brilliant plan!
- This article is for my pals Anthony Gregory & Scott Horton
- Edited by Jeremy Irwin
Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He is the president of a mass-media production company and also runs a talent agency in Japan. His first book, Schizophrenic in Japan, is now on sale.