Pugilistic Politicians

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When I was boxing in the ring
In ‘Frisco back in ninety-seven,
I used to make five bucks a fling
To give as good as I was given.
But when I felt too fighting gay,
And tried to be a dinger-donger,
My second, Mike Muldoon would say:
“Go easy, kid; you’ll stay the longer."

~ Robert William Service

I hate all pro sports. All pro sports are fixed. That being said, I do love to watch boxing, especially on Monday nights in Japan. It’s on Monday nights that I get to watch Friday Night boxing on ESPN. No, you read that correctly: In Japan, ESPN Friday Night Boxing is on Monday nights.

Even though pro boxing is fixed, I really do look forward to it — it’s about the only thing on TV that I like, besides COPS. I usually go buy 3 tall cans of Happoshu at about 8:00 to get ready for the fights that begin at 9:00. Sometimes my friends come over to watch. It’s much more fun to watch with my pals (the wife doesn’t like the screaming and yelling though — wakes the kid, you understand).

After the fights start, my pals and I usually wind up going out to buy a few more cans of booze. My wife wonders why I just don’t buy all my booze at once. Humph! That shows how much she knows about boxing! If I bought all the booze before the fights start then I’d wind up drinking them before the fight starts, and probably pass out. Now that sounds pretty good to me, but not on fight night — that’s no fun! I want to be a part of the fight, I want to be in the ring, I want to wipe sweat from my brow, I want to know what being punch drunk really feels like at real time. I am a modern day gladiator.

Sometimes, though, the morons who run ESPN in Japan don’t show Friday Night Boxing on Monday nights. Oh, I hate that. About twice a month they’ll show some other stupid sport. Now, what would be the logical choice instead of boxing? Sumo, pro wrestling, judo, karate, even baseball would be okay, but nooooo none of those. The geniuses in charge of ESPN in Japan will show, are you ready for it, World Championship Figure Skating or American Cheerleading competitions. No kidding. What are those bozos thinking about? Who in their right mind wants to watch Ice Capades? I know I certainly don’t. I hate the kind of sport where they don’t have to cross a finish line first, score more goals, or knock the other guy out. Kill them or bash their head in, now that’s a real man’s sport for me.

If you ask me, real sports should never come down to a judge’s card. Either way, World Championship Figure Skating is all fixed so I don’t like that. In fact, any sport on TV is a scam. The only saving grace in boxing is that there is some slim chance that one guy will get knocked silly.

Let me take a moment to explain to all you folks who have been living in a cave all these years: All pros sports are fixed; boxing is the worst. Deny it all you want, but it is. All pro sports are big money games. If bookies take bets, you can believe that the game is fixed. There’s gambling going on all across this great world (as it should be); and if big money is involved, you can bet your bottom dollar that there’s a fix in somewhere. If you don’t believe me than you are probably one of the few who think that the Iraqis love us. Dream on, my friend.

As I proved without a shadow of a doubt, in an earlier article, all pro sports are fixed (excepting, of course, Roller Derby). Still, a few bright-eyed and bushy-tailed people wrote to protest that particular dig. The biggest protestors came from the pro boxing fans. Now the words "fixed" and "pro boxing" are, of course, synonymous. Just like the words, "politician" and "thief" are synonymous. Pro boxing is as fixed as they come and I have the backing of the United States congress to prove it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good brisk bout of professional boxing as much as the next guy. There’s no endeavor that captures the imagination and manliness of being a man better than a good bout of pugilism. You can keep your pro football and pro basketball weekend ways, because they are all just a phase; boxing is what makes the pro sports world go ’round.

But, like I said, it’s all fixed.

As a recovered sports-a-holic, I can attest to the horrors (as well as waste of time) that even mildly caring about pro sports involve. Being originally from Southern California, I was always a Rams, Dodgers, and Lakers fan. I remained a fan of those teams until the Rams moved somewhere (and finally won a Super-Bowl); I kind of cheer on the Dodgers to this day (is Tommy Lasorda still coach?); and I was a hard-core Lakers fan, until they moved to Miami. Now, after living in Japan for so long, I can finally see that cheering a team on or even caring about whether they win or lose (unless you have a wager) is a total waste of time. Sports that are on TV are especially fixed.

And what makes them fixed? Lots of reasons, but mostly its the bad decisions. Oh, and are there ever a lot of bad decisions! Thus, we come to the area that pro boxing excels; for pro boxing is the most corrupt sport of all. Pro boxing involves corruption even before the fights start. Sometimes I wonder if the judges and referees are watching the same bout as I am… Well, it’s either that or they are "on the take."

"On the take?" Heaven forbid! Pro boxing judges taking bribes and intentionally making bad calls? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Have you?

I figure it’s time to clean up our act. I feel we should pay money to our elected officials to really make boxing, corruption, politics, and thievery all one-word. Let us stop this sham of claiming that pro sports are not corrupt. That’s why (thank God) we have a government. I’m glad that such an honest and upfront organization such as the US congress has — besides giving themselves a $3,100 pay raise — decided that pro boxing is fixed and must be cleaned up.

And it’s not like just any old group of politicians are sick of seeing fixed pro boxing matches; it’s the Energy and Commerce Committee. Hoorah for the good guys! What does the Energy and Commerce Committee have to do with pro boxing, you ask? Shows what you know. Try jumping around in that ring for three minutes, then tell me about it. Running around one of those boxing rings requires a lot of energy (and commerce to pay for it).

Pro boxing is so completely corrupt our government wants to pass a law to clean it up? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! I’m all for it. What a great idea. I think after the law is changed, we should change the name of pro boxing to Professionally Perverted Pugilism. Because with the professional thieves in the US congress involved, if boxing isn’t totally and thoroughly fixed by now, it soon will be.

Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has the distinction of being fired from every FM radio station in Tokyo — one of them three times. His first book, Schizophrenic in Japan, is now on sale.

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