Lion Flu Strikes Key Figures

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Leaders Reportedly Hit by Newly Discovered Mutation

INS News Staff
International News Service
Tuesday, December 6, 2005

MONTREAL, December 5. A series of papers presented at the 2nd Annual International Conference on Felis Leo Virus held here this week has provoked worldwide reaction.

Ray Pohl and Jean-Jacques Verne report that the Latent Felis Leo Simplex Complex virus, L5N2, that occurs naturally in lions, is the source of a mutated human strain discovered in the remains of Vladimir Lenin, Napoleon Bonaparte and other leaders.

A rash of papers suggests that many famous political figures share the so-called lion flu. The findings are turning many old theories on their heads.

The bug activates a king of beasts syndrome, Verne told reporters. Those in power, he said, lose ordinary restraint and sense. Pohl added that this seems to trigger increased lying, incompetence, and belligerence.

Calming fears of an outbreak, Pohl described the peculiar virus as widespread but far more potent among political leaders than the general population. He believes that idiosyncratic environmental and pre-disposing genetic factors are involved.

Worried experts disagree. We have enough evidence already to say that the power bug will overturn many extant psychological, anthropological and political theories, according to Albert Kuhn. If this bug spreads, we could all become Frankensteins, he said.

The findings open up an entirely new research agenda for epidemiologists. We could see many dis-interments in the coming months. An Italian researcher already has permission to examine Medici corpses.

Researchers from Luxembourg, Monte Carlo, and Tahiti do not know where to turn for bodies.

Worldwide reaction was swift. I think that a war on the power bug should be launched as soon as possible, said Jimmy Carter. My hammer and toolkit are packed and I am ready to go anywhere, he added.

Environmentalists were quick to dissociate themselves from Carter’s remarks. I can’t sleep nights when I think that the loss of a single species from its ecosystem affects all of us, said an EPA spokesperson.

Senator John McCain said that for science he’d volunteer to be exposed to the most virulent strain of the bug. A surprisingly large number of other Congressmen signed a letter adding their names in the race to become volunteers.

Patrick Buchanan said that the sovereignty of the U.S. was at stake and that we should immediately ship all lions back to the jungle where they came from while sealing the borders.

Howard Stern called for detention and isolation of all government officials at the rank of cabinet minister or above to prevent further spreading of lion flu. He suggested undressing them and holding them at Guantanamo. The FCC fined him an additional $125,000 for his other suggestions.

An envelope containing a white powdery substance thought to be Felis Leo Simplex Complex was found in the mail room of the Kremlin. Vladimir Putin reassured anxious Russians that the substance had been safely disposed of. I personally flushed it down the toilet, he said. By now it’s in the Black Sea.

Ron Paul called for the U.N. to be emptied and dismantled at once to halt further spread of the disease.

Henry Kissinger was overheard saying "It is a greaaat privilege to be hier. Ve met Nixon ven ve vas a boytchik. He gafe me dis mishegas, dis bug. Da schmattah, da toomel, da nation, verblunget. Ve are not to blame. Ve had no fax machines in dose days. Ve inherited dat var."

Scientists pondered how individuals who have never come into contact with one another, such as Usama bin Laden and George Bush, might be carrying the same power bug.

Most statesmen seem to pick up the bug once they come to Washington and other state capitals.

Some theorize that the bug spreads through government buildings via cloak rooms and lobbies. Others blame the foundations and handling of soft money. Excessive back-slapping, glad-handing, and hugging, especially among Senators, seem to be hastening the power bug’s presence in the Upper Chamber. Testing is in an early phase.

None of these modes of transmission can explain the bug’s presence in Lenin and Napoleon. It is thought a master strain may have originated with Imhotep, Aman Rah, or perhaps with Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great.

Scientists are having a hard time sorting out the wealth of possibilities spread over every continent (except Antarctica) for thousands of years.

One observer quipped that conferences like Yalta and Potsdam should be outlawed. He suggested that Stalin and Churchill may have severely infected Roosevelt who then infected Truman. This might explain Truman’s double use of the atomic bomb.

While sociologists point to educational and family factors, economists pooh-pooh this theory. They argue that there must be a latent demand for the power bug that is not being met. Several called for a subsidy to power bug production, predicting that this will reduce the trade deficit.

Outgoing Fed chairman Greenspan said that the increased dispersion of the external imbalances in the power bug’s contemporaneous impact on current and capital accounts suggests that only after a long period of disequilibrium may we see the indications that would primarily translate into an improved method of targeting the bug.

The lion flu poses a challenge to many political theorists. Libertarians have long believed that the extraordinarily inept and destructive behavior of rulers arose from conditions of power and from payoffs and influence of interest groups. Others thought that politicians received on-the-job training in lying, theft, incompetence, and tyranny. Now these ideas may have to be revised.

Already, fissures have appeared among libertarians over the bug. Right-libertarians maintain that the host’s body takes possession of an invading bug. Bugs have no rights since they cannot argue. Left-libertarians line up with many economists who suggest that the bugs are the common heritage of mankind. Neo-libertarians will support whatever the government decides to do on the international front, even if it means preemptive war on the bug.

Socialists are blaming capitalism for the spread of lion flu. They claim that greedy capitalists and imperialists have monopolized the bug purposely. They urge that all workers be exposed to it. Feminists are making similar demands for women.

Neoconservatives denounced the findings as an al-Qaeda plot linked to Saddam Hussein. William Kristol joined Norman Podhoretz and 29 others in an Open Letter to the President saying "Lion flu is harmless. Saddam had ample opportunity in his biological program to create cultures of lion flu. His terrorist friends in Syria and Iran could easily have disseminated the virus and contaminated national offices and grave sites. This ruse is a severe threat to the international order."

Thomas J. DiLorenzo predicted that a virulent strain would be found in Abraham Lincoln’s remains. Max Boot hysterically disputed this. He said that if it were found, it would only be because Lincoln couldn’t possibly nullify himself as President and move out of the White House.

Already, a weak version of L5N2 has been found in Mt. Vernon. Commentators suggest that this is consistent with the Whiskey Rebellion and Washington’s strong support of the U.S. Constitution. Others suggest that it is too soon to tell. Many Presidents have visited Mt. Vernon and this could account for the presence of the power bug on the grounds. Meanwhile Jefferson’s remains show only minute traces of the bug. These findings are disputed.

According to one conference paper, the bug’s existence implies that ordinary democratic procedures such as impeachment and voting cannot control the king of beasts syndrome that the bug induces. However, these democratic inadequacies have long been known.

A lion flu detector is in the works. It is hoped that a simple breath test will register the strength of the bug.

The League of Women Voters urges that every candidate take a test and that the level of the power bug be reported to voters.

Others take the position that no one should be allowed to run for office who has an above-average level.

Jesse Jackson said that access to lion flu is the final stage in our struggle to make this a more perfect union. Blacks and browns have to attain power bug equity and parity. He said that 45 percent of white leaders have the bug while only 3 percent of black leaders have it.

At a love-fest in Syria, David Duke rebuked Jackson, saying that Idi Amin and Robert Mugabe undoubtedly were carriers of the strong strain. Lion flu, he said, was undoubtedly a Zionist plot that began when Samson killed a lion with his bare hands.

The trials of Milosevic and Saddam Hussein have been halted while defense attorneys prepared motions to have their defendants tested. They hope to show that they were not responsible for their acts. Hussein’s lawyers intimated that he was infected by close relationships with Washington in the 1980′s. They will introduce a photo of Hussein shaking hands with Donald Rumsfeld on December 20, 1983.

Some scholars hypothesize that President Bush II has been imparted a double dose of the bug, from being in Washington and from his close contact with his father.

But President Bush denied he has the power bug. Tony Blair agreed. He said: "How delighted I am to be back in the White House and to see President Bush. I would like once again to praise his leadership in the world, especially on this key issue that faces our world today, lion flu. And I think we have had a good discussion and come together on this matter that threatens the peace and stability and order of the world. We are leaders of the free world and the world. Can I say that I love this man."

The President himself has proposed a World Lion Virus Day and an Emergency Plan for Power Bug Relief. Mrs. Bush says America will keep its promise to free the world of this scourge.

Rumors are that Hollywood is interested. Oliver Stone suggested that JFK was assassinated because he knew about lion flu and was seeking to decontaminate the White House. "He wanted to pass the power bug on to his personally chosen scions. Right-wingers got wind of this. They knew that this would weaken the power of any Republican whose main source of the bug would then only be second-hand exposure in Washington buildings."

The increasing virulence of the power bug in the 20th century has scientists puzzled. Some attribute the spread to the increased communications among leaders. Most believe that a buildup in the bug’s concentration in Washington’s official environs like the White House, Capitol Hill, and Supreme Court Building is responsible. A few are attempting to investigate the many think tanks dotting Washington as well as selected corporate headquarters like those of The Carlyle Group, Fox Network, Halliburton, Military Professional Resources, Inc., Lockheed Martin, DynCorp, Northrop Grumman, TRW, and many others.

Cross-sectional studies comparing states like New York and New Hampshire are underway. One researcher has found that university towns have higher concentrations. He points to Cambridge and Berkeley.

A small group of libertarians known for their adherence to classical liberalism and the Austrian School of economics disputes the power bug theory. They suggest that the political organization of mankind into states is intimately connected to the increased oppression, warfare, genocide, and mass killing of civilians during the 20th century as well as the decrease in freedom, morality, culture, and civilization.

Some scientists believe that there may exist a negative lion flu (like anti-matter or the negative electron) that has afflicted many Americans and others since 1900. They believe this explains their submissiveness, not the impact of the lion flu on their leaders.

Many theories may have to be revised or take second-seat to the idea that the power bug triggers the observed flaws of rulers. Or the power bug theory may turn out to be flawed itself.

Michael S. Rozeff [send him mail] is the Louis M. Jacobs Professor of Finance at University at Buffalo.

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