Dear Dubya, You Need My Help!

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Boy howdy! Did you ever step in a turd blossom!

All the blamin’ and finger pointin’ ain’t doing your reputation a lick of good and you know it!

Down right embarrassin’! You know what I’m talkin’ about. No, no, no! Not that New Orleans Katrina slum clearance project courtesy of the weather… that itty bitty national catastrophe where you, FEMA and Homeland Security sat on your rumps and did nothin’.

Funny how a whole lotta a nothin’ can add up to a whole lotta a somethin’… kinda like those WMD and that Iraq War.

But that’s last week’s news. It’s all water under the bridge. Or I guess you could say it’s water over the bridge, levees, cars, houses, the whole kitten caboodle of the Big Easy. Fact is, you’ve been dodging a Bandini Mountain of manure ever since.

Nope, not talkin’ about that. I’m talkin’ about the Presidential finger pointin’! Look at this here photo of you, POTUS, trying to play the guitar! Oh yeah, "POTUS" means; President of the United States. You probably thought it was a woman’s… uh… well you know what I mean. Anyhoo, your fingers are pointin’ all the wrong way! This ain’t the One Finger Victory Salute. Geese Louise! What could that have sounded like; a pig in a slaughterhouse? Who the heck do you think you are, Bill Clinton? Hey! Just look at the expression on the guy behind you! It’s one of pure shame. He knows you’re gonna drop that gitfiddle! And while the photo editor has sliced off half the face of that blonde lady on the right, it sure looks to me like she’s screaming in agony. That ain’t no way to treat a Lady!

But there you are, grinning ear to ear oblivious of the world around you. Sure looks like you don’t care what anyone thinks!

Now I don’t blame you for taking a little R&R for a Good Old Boy photo op. I don’t blame you for running away from that ole New Orleans swamp issue while you’re gettin’ your mind right via some musical relaxation. But dang Bro! Learn to do it right! Don’t make others suffer for your incompetence, not that that’s ever bothered you before.

You know we’re buds! I’m with you all the way. See here, I think I can help out. I have 35 years experience playing these guitar things.

Not to be too critical, ‘cos I know you tried your best. You even have the Presidential fingers in the right position for a real bona fide chord, G. And we sure as heck know you got the F chord down. Most guitar teachers teach the G chord in lesson one. You can learn it in book 16 of The Mel Bay Easy Guitar series. With you as my pupil, I’d probably wait on that toughie for lesson six depending on how focused your mind is. See, the problem is, you got this here G chord on the wrong frets! Dang! That must have sounded bad!

And another thing, when playing the guitar you gotta look cool! Now just look at that grin! What’s up with that? No, no, no, NOT cool! Gotta work on that. And, while we’re at it, check out the suit and the hair. Uh-uh. Here, check these guys out. This might be more you style.

So, here’s my offer. You fly me out to the Ranch and I will personally teach you to ROCK! I promise to leave my ACLU card at home and to eat Laura’s "cooking." Usually I charge $30 per hour for lessons. But in your case, I’m going to give you the Presidential Buddy rate of just $3,000 an hour with a minimum of 100 hours… paid in advance. I’m sure you can find some appropriations bill onto which to tack that teenatchee sum. List it as Air Force One Twinkies or somethin’. Man, when I get done with you, you’re gonna kick ass!

But first here’s some homework. Get on line and go to Amazon.com. Order this here little book: How to Play Air Guitar: All the Greatest Moves from Your Guitar Heroes. I bought one for my brother-in-law last Christmas and now he RULES! You can too. Well, I guess you already do. But not on the guitar yet! This will get you cookin’ with Napalm in no time while you do those leaps and windmills. The book even comes with it’s own inflatable air guitar! Just take a gander at how cool these guys look! I’d vote for any one of them in a heartbeat! So good luck and get started!

Dude! You’re gonna be AWESOME!

Edited by Elizabeth Gyllensvard

Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo, Japan as well as Los Angeles working in the entertainment industry. He is the primary caregiver of his ten-year-old son and currently resides on Grand Cayman Island in the Caribbean.

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