Confederate Flag Controversy Parody

Flag Controversy Ignites Campus-wide Passions University Collegian

Tempers flared on the University campus this week over display of the Confederate battle flag by senior student Jason Richmond. “There is absolutely no place for this sort of expression on campus,” said Daniel Webster, head of the College Whigs. “Mr. Richmond clearly is trying to turn back the clock on centuries of mercantilist, protectionist tariff policies.” According to Webster, “Opposition to the Morrill Tariff of 1861 is an affront to industrial monopolists and economic mercantilists everywhere." The Whigs club plans to hold a candlelight vigil to promote awareness of economic nationalist policies.

Unfortunately, much of the protest has not been nearly so civil. Thaddeus Stevens, co-chairman of the Radical Republican Youth Majority led a “Take Back the National Bank Charter” march around campus, and demanded that university police “…burn his [Richmond’s] dorm room to the ground and imprison him in the campus brig!” When questioned about the right to free speech, Stevens responded that such notions as the writ of habeas corpus and other civil liberties were outdated, particularly when the fiat currency system was under attack.

Equally outraged campus minority groups responded to Stevens' call to action. Concerned Black Men for Internal Improvements threw rocks at Richmond's window while chanting, "The American System today, the American System tomorrow, the American System forever!" Darnell Williams, leader of the group, made the following statement: “Richmond is down on nationalized railroads and canals? What's up with that!?” When asked if the Confederate practice of slavery also upset him, Williams noted that he wasn’t concerned with such tertiary topics and believed people of good conscience could hold differing views on the issue.

For his part, Richmond, who also heads University Students for Classical Liberalism, condemns the university for what he calls an “economic blacklist.” In fact, he was prepared to move forward with litigation against the university if they forced him to remove the flag. Lawyers for Individual Rights in Education (LIRE), a conservative watchdog group, is set to take the case. “You don’t know how many clients we have in our office who were harassed for defending the voluntary secession of the Confederate states and the line item veto provision of the CSA Constitution. It just makes us sick,” the group said in a statement.

But the entire university is not against Richmond. The Housing department issued a press release that reads: “We may not like the works of Adam Smith and David Ricardo, but we need to respect all points of view no matter how vile they may be.”

While some students such as junior Fred Kristol are upset at the university's non-interventionist stance, they are confident that university-wide programming will help rebut Mr. Richmond's anachronistic beliefs. According to Kristol, "I believe next week's production of the Jaffa monologues will help clear up many of misconceptions students may have about the Lincoln economic agenda."

Another AU student lamented the violence on campus but felt helpless to stop it. "Uniform tariff policy, paper money, and infrastructure subsidies are just emotionally-charged issues for many people. It's inevitable that tempers are going to flare."

September 6, 2005