Trumped

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What would
The Don say about Iraq? Imagine George Bush and his team sitting
across the mahogany conference room table from Donald Trump. Next
to Bush are Saddam and his closest advisors. Each team is being
grilled by Trump on their attempts to run Iraq. It might go something
like this:

Trump:O.K.,
you came to this place over 2 years ago to seize and destroy weapons
of mass destruction….

Bush:Well,
actually we wanted to make the world safe from terrorism, Mr.
Trump.

Trump:Please
don’t interrupt me.

Bush:Sorry
sir.

Trump:Have
you or your team uncovered any weapons of mass destruction?

Bush:Not
exactly, but…

Trump:What
do you mean by that? Either you have or you haven’t.

Bush:Haven’t,
but this guy is no longer running the ranch (pointing to Saddam
and snickering)

Trump:Let
me get this straight, you have not found any weapons of mass destruction
in 2 years, no links to Al Queda or 9/11 established, — by the
way you also failed to protect your own nation from 9/11 but I
am not even considering that — violence of all types is up, religious
fundamentalism is on the rise, oil pipelines are being sabotaged,
you have destroyed entire cities, antiquities have been looted
or ruined and there are shortages of just about everything including
medicines, potable water, fuel and electricity. Those you haven’t
killed or maimed have been just plain lucky. Nice work!

Cheney:If
I may speak here. We have established democracy, the first free
election in 50 years.

Trump:Are
you the team leader?

Cheney:Basically,
yes.

Trump:So
why shouldn’t I fire you then? (Trump turns to his male advisor)

Cheney:(Disappears
before Trump can turn back)

Trump:Where
the hell did he go? O.K. Saddam, your team may have had a slightly
better record, but why should you be in charge?

Saddam:My
team had established the highest literacy rates, nutritional levels,
life expectancies and lowest infant mortality rates in the nation’s
history.

Trump:Hmmm.
Go on.

Saddam:We
never had an Islamic fundamentalist movement, suicide bombings,
kidnappings or beheadings. We never had infrastructure shortages
either until this guy (pointing to Bush) and his dad came along.

Bush:Hey!

Trump:All
right. All right. You weren’t exactly winning any popularity contests
Saddam. You invaded two neighboring countries. You killed a lot
of people too. What would you consider your team’s worst problem?

Saddam:We
were ruthless with our opposition.

Trump:I
can identify with that. Not necessarily a negative with me.

Saddam:(Smiling)

Bush:I
have tried to be an effective leader. I think I deserve another
chance.

Trump:I
think you were given your last chance in November 2004. Who do
you blame for the dismal performance of your team, and I mean
it has been dismal with a capital u2018D.’

Bush:I
didn’t realize that word — whatever it means — began with a u2018D’,
but I would have to say Cheney or Rumsfeld.

Cheney:(Sneering
as he listens to the conversation from a secret hiding place and
thinking, “You little twerp.” “You didn’t even know where Iraq
was until we showed you on.")

Rumsfeld:Mr.
Trump, I tried my best to listen to this rough-edged, phony accented,
Yale alum, but look at him. (chuckling) Is he a leader? No. Quite
frankly, we were sold a bill of goods when his father asked us
to make him the team leader. Unfortunate choice.

Trump:And
they call me pompous and arrogant.

Rumsfeld:Excuse
me?

Trump:Never
mind. All of you step out of the room. I think I have made a decision.
(15-minute caucus after which the parties are brought back)

Trump:Saddam,
you have very little to brag about. By the way, do you really
expect to be a leader with that unshaven look and the baggy suit?
Who is your tailor? That guy oughta be fired! You need to put
on a little weight too. Appearance makes the man.

Saddam:They
have kept me in a tiny room, not let me shave and fed me Raisin
Bran and Doritos.

Trump:(turning
to Bush’s team) Is that true?

Bush:He
is exaggerating Mr. Trump.

Trump:(Rolling
his eyes at Bush) Yeah, whatever.

Trump:Look
George, I am not sure you were cut out to lead anybody. I don’t
even know how you got into this position. You have shown me nothing,
absolutely nothing on this Iraq project. Your own team thinks
you are a joke, although I think they are out to save their own
hides when they have to share in the responsibility for this mess.
God, what a mess! If I ran a company like this, the Board would
have me thrown out on the street.

Bush:(Smiling
blankly)

Trump:(Pointing
the finger at Bush) You’re fired!

Bush:(Still
smiling blankly)

Trump:Saddam,
you are no bargain, but the country was running a lot better when
you were in charge. I am going to give you another chance. Shave,
get a decent suit and for God’s sake lay off of the Doritos.

August
19, 2005

John
M. Peters [send him mail]
is a practicing attorney in Michigan.

John
M. Peters Archives

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