I cannot believe the deceit I’ve uncovered. The horrors! It was by pure chance too. Is there no limit to the thickness of the wool being pulled over our eyes? I can’t see how there could be.
No, I haven’t stumbled upon some top-secret document or a hidden shoe factory manned by lesbian flipper babies. I’ve just simply discovered one of a million simple untruths that have been perpetrated on us consumers. It’s a little thing, but there’s no telling how far up the chain the lies go.
Are you ready for it? It’s the dog food. That’s right, they’ve been lying to us about our dog food. That’s a pretty darned hard thing to swallow too, isn’t it?
How do I know? Well, let me tell the tale. Recently we rescued two abandoned puppies from certain death. A noble act I’m sure you’d agree. The intent was to nurse them back to health and then find good homes for them. Alas, as lost little puppies are wont to do, they found a good home… with us. Now we’re stuck. It has been some time since I’ve owned dogs. As I recall feeding them was easy. I’d open a sack and dump some crunchy pellets or biscuit like stuff into a dish. Simple. Sometimes for a special treat I’d get on my W.W.II surplus gas mask and open a can of disgusting goo and spoon it on top of the chow. Ah, they loved it. The cans were always labeled clearly as "Dog Food." One never questioned what it actually was. And for good reason too!
But all that’s changed. I can’t find cans of "Dog Food" anymore. All I can find are gourmet meals like "Country Stew," "Flame Roasted Chicken Breasts with Baby Salad Greens," "Brazed Eel in Wine Sauce with Asparagus Tips." Now just wait a minute here! This doesn’t seem right. The dogs are eating better than we are!… Or are they?
Pop open a can and what’s really inside? It’s not filet mignon. No way! It’s something disgusting, as it should be too. Dogs love disgusting things. Obviously, what’s really going on here is that they are packaging what the dogs, the actual "consumers," really want. Then they mislead us humans so we will buy it for our beloved pets. I’d really prefer they just tell us the awful truth.
So what is it dogs really like? I think I know pretty well. Living on a cleared half acre in a mangrove swamp my dogs have plenty of room to run. And guess what? They eat everything and anything as long as it’s revolting. The more likely it is to make us want to vomit, the more they relish it. Dead frogs, maggot riddled rodents and Suzuki Chicken (that would be one of the cursed wild chickens here on Grand Cayman after I’ve hit it with my jeep) are the things they like. We also know dogs will gobble up anything leftover from the dinner table that we humans don’t want. Aha! This is the key. If we won’t eat it, the dogs will. And they sure do love their cans of nausea meat.
I say it’s time to call for a halt to this deception.
There’s no Texas BBQ or Cajun Salmon in those cans. Who do they think they’re fooling? Do I look like a member of Congress? I know what’s really in there. They should be labeling those cans correctly and honestly. The labels should say, "Entrails with Gristle," "Suzuki Chicken," and "Heavings and Leavings." Don’t lie about it Purina! I know what’s going on here! Hey, don’t get me wrong. I’m fine buying a can of "Regurgitated Fish Heads." I just want the truth. Is that too much to ask for?
Now I know this is might seem a little thing to you but, unfortunately, I’m afraid it’s the tip of a monstrous iceberg of untruths. How far does it go? What about my Nikes? My Chevy Suburban? My can of Spam? My FOX news reports? Could it be this pattern of misleading us perpetrates the very fabric of our society? Could it go all the way to the Top Dog himself? Man, that’s scary! I shudder at the though that the very people we entrust to run our country might be on a course to serve us up nothing but Heavings and Leavings.
Naw! That could never happen here! Hmm… I think I’ll serve "Sun Bloated Orange Roughy" tonight.
Edited by Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers.
Tom Chartier [send him mail] played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He has lived in Tokyo, Japan as well as Los Angeles working in the entertainment industry. He is the primary caregiver of his nine-year-old son and currently resides on Grand Cayman Island in the Caribbean.