Put On the Blinders Before It's Too Late!

Email Print
FacebookTwitterShare

You
know what America? We're facing a crisis. I'm plumb worried and
that's a fact. If'n we don't find a solution fast it ain't gonna
be purdy, no siree Bob!

The
thing that's giving me the willies and heebie-jeebies is this Downing
Street Memo thing. Yeah, I know; it's old news. Unfortunately it's
still a problem. I'm having trouble coping with it. Just what scalawag
let that cat out of the bag? I thought that thing should have been
shoved into a burlap sack with a few bricks and tossed into the
Thames long ago. I guess some lower echelon flunky forgot the bricks.

I'll
tell you, I'm hoppin' mad. This little piece of fish and chips wrapping
constitutes something un-American; proof our beloved Fearless Leader,
actually lied! Lied I tell you! Lied! Lied to Congress, lied to
NATO, lied to the world, and even lied to John Q. Public! –
That would be you and me. To think, they were actually fixing the
facts just so they could go blow away some greasy dude with a mustache
and few tens of thousands of people who got in the way! Well, I
can't blame any occupant of the Oval Office for wanting to play
"War President." It seems part of the job description.
I'd hate for Big Daddy Warbucks to miss out on all the fun. But
Jeez-Louise lie convincingly and then shred the proof, toot sweet!
And to think Dubya's British hand puppet knew all about it. Ooops!
Excuse me! I mean British Prime Minister Tony Blair. How disrespectful
of me.

So
what are we going to do with this Downing Street Memo problem? Real
proof is making it a lot harder for me to be the good "with
us" kind of patriot I've always strived to be. I've been trying
to do my best: I
refuse to read anything; I only get my news from Fox; and I drive
the biggest gas guzzling SUV I can – real fast too – with
no passengers ever! But, sadly, it looks like I'll need some help.
I'm sure you all feel the same. Turning the other cheek is getting
to be nearly impossible… But fear not! (Well, sorry about that.
To be "with us" we're supposed to have a lot of fear.
I sure do). Rest ignorant! For I have the solution.

Blinders!
Yup that's right, blinders. Don't laugh! I'm serious. I'm talking
about those things they put on horses to keep them from being too
skittish and voting for a Democrat or worse, a Libertarian. Strap
them babies on your head and the chance of actually seeing the Downing
Street Memo goes way down! Hey, I'm ordering a pair right now! Just
think of all the extra protection it will give you from those Liberal
Commie swine and their feeble attempts to divert us from staying
the course. As a bonus, in six months Homeland Security's job will
be so much easier. There will be no more guesswork. If you're not
wearing blinders, then you are against us! Off to Guantanamo with
you, you terrorist rabble rouser!

Now
our new blinders don't have to be uncomfortable or unfashionable.
They can be made in a whole rainbow of designer colors and styles.
You can order yours in merlot, metallic pea or GOP red! How about
blinders with the ol' Stars and Stripes emblazoned on them! It's
good for that patriotic spirit I say! We could have blinders with
all our most popular corporate logos, Target, Nike, CAT! Wait! I've
got it, black with Dale Earnhardt's number three! Oh baby! That's
what I want! Man, just think, NASCAR blinders! They may have to
come off for the races. We don't want to be unreasonable here. But
they sure do spell out "don't tread on me," and they do
it in fashion!

But
then maybe blinders isn't enough. Subversive rhetoric and anti-Bushisms
might be heard. Or worse, somebody might actually read the Downing
Street Memo out loud! What if you accidentally overheard NPR? Hmm…
That's a problem. And what if somebody accidentally slips up and
let's out with a State Secret? Ooh, that would be bad! Loose lips
sink ships and whole empires. What to do? What to do? I've got it!
Black leather bondage hoods for all! And you know what, while we're
at it, let's make it mandatory! You hecklers and nonbelievers, we've
given away enough of our Civil Liberties and Constitutional Rights
as it is! That's another thing we don't want to notice! So let's
not go halfway on this. That could be construed as being against
us and not with us.

And
best of all, we can still put Dale's number three on them!

July
14, 2005

Tom
Chartier [send him mail]
played lead guitar in legendary Los Angeles punk band The Rotters
for 26 years until their final appearance in January of 2004. He
has lived in Tokyo, Japan as well as Los Angeles working in the
entertainment industry. He is the primary caregiver of his nine-year-old
son and currently resides on Grand Cayman Island in the Caribbean.

Email Print
FacebookTwitterShare