Put On the Blinders Before It's Too Late!

You know what America? We're facing a crisis. I'm plumb worried and that's a fact. If'n we don't find a solution fast it ain't gonna be purdy, no siree Bob!

The thing that's giving me the willies and heebie-jeebies is this Downing Street Memo thing. Yeah, I know; it's old news. Unfortunately it's still a problem. I'm having trouble coping with it. Just what scalawag let that cat out of the bag? I thought that thing should have been shoved into a burlap sack with a few bricks and tossed into the Thames long ago. I guess some lower echelon flunky forgot the bricks.

I'll tell you, I'm hoppin' mad. This little piece of fish and chips wrapping constitutes something un-American; proof our beloved Fearless Leader, actually lied! Lied I tell you! Lied! Lied to Congress, lied to NATO, lied to the world, and even lied to John Q. Public! – That would be you and me. To think, they were actually fixing the facts just so they could go blow away some greasy dude with a mustache and few tens of thousands of people who got in the way! Well, I can't blame any occupant of the Oval Office for wanting to play "War President." It seems part of the job description. I'd hate for Big Daddy Warbucks to miss out on all the fun. But Jeez-Louise lie convincingly and then shred the proof, toot sweet! And to think Dubya's British hand puppet knew all about it. Ooops! Excuse me! I mean British Prime Minister Tony Blair. How disrespectful of me.

So what are we going to do with this Downing Street Memo problem? Real proof is making it a lot harder for me to be the good "with us" kind of patriot I've always strived to be. I've been trying to do my best: I refuse to read anything; I only get my news from Fox; and I drive the biggest gas guzzling SUV I can – real fast too – with no passengers ever! But, sadly, it looks like I'll need some help. I'm sure you all feel the same. Turning the other cheek is getting to be nearly impossible… But fear not! (Well, sorry about that. To be "with us" we're supposed to have a lot of fear. I sure do). Rest ignorant! For I have the solution.

Blinders! Yup that's right, blinders. Don't laugh! I'm serious. I'm talking about those things they put on horses to keep them from being too skittish and voting for a Democrat or worse, a Libertarian. Strap them babies on your head and the chance of actually seeing the Downing Street Memo goes way down! Hey, I'm ordering a pair right now! Just think of all the extra protection it will give you from those Liberal Commie swine and their feeble attempts to divert us from staying the course. As a bonus, in six months Homeland Security's job will be so much easier. There will be no more guesswork. If you're not wearing blinders, then you are against us! Off to Guantanamo with you, you terrorist rabble rouser!

Now our new blinders don't have to be uncomfortable or unfashionable. They can be made in a whole rainbow of designer colors and styles. You can order yours in merlot, metallic pea or GOP red! How about blinders with the ol' Stars and Stripes emblazoned on them! It's good for that patriotic spirit I say! We could have blinders with all our most popular corporate logos, Target, Nike, CAT! Wait! I've got it, black with Dale Earnhardt's number three! Oh baby! That's what I want! Man, just think, NASCAR blinders! They may have to come off for the races. We don't want to be unreasonable here. But they sure do spell out "don't tread on me," and they do it in fashion!

But then maybe blinders isn't enough. Subversive rhetoric and anti-Bushisms might be heard. Or worse, somebody might actually read the Downing Street Memo out loud! What if you accidentally overheard NPR? Hmm… That's a problem. And what if somebody accidentally slips up and let's out with a State Secret? Ooh, that would be bad! Loose lips sink ships and whole empires. What to do? What to do? I've got it! Black leather bondage hoods for all! And you know what, while we're at it, let's make it mandatory! You hecklers and nonbelievers, we've given away enough of our Civil Liberties and Constitutional Rights as it is! That's another thing we don't want to notice! So let's not go halfway on this. That could be construed as being against us and not with us.

And best of all, we can still put Dale's number three on them!

July 14, 2005