Patriotic Posters

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I’m
shocked. Shocked, I tell you at the numbers of nasty mails I get from ingrates
who fail to see just how much of a cheerleader and a Bush-patriot I really am.
In fact, I’d bet any one of you a Coke and a Crispy Creme donut that I am more
of a Bush-loving patriot than all of you put together (figuratively speaking,
of course). And I’m going to prove it to you today.

In-spite
of what you may have heard or read — I actually do research my articles —
sometimes. Why, just for my last
article
, I painstaking went through about 10,000 posters (I did, really) that
I found on a Google search to find just the right one to pair up with that Soviet
poster nonsense. Let me tell you that some of the propaganda posters I viewed
were an extremely surprising eye-opener and they just went to prove to me, once
again, that our system of democracy is the best. In fact, it’s bestest of all.
And you can quote me on that. Here I have selected the best posters for your edification
as a sort of “LRC on-line Propaganda Museum”

Admission
is free. A walk through this virtual museum will show even the most leftist commie
type drag-queers that America is different. The American government doesn’t go
around screwing its own citizens like the other bad guys do. No siree! It’s those
dirty Commies and Nazis who do that. These posters will prove, beyond a shadow
of a doubt, that when it comes to shafting the enemy or screwing the people over,
that our government is second to none. Number one! USA! USA! USA! — Sorry
about that. I do get carried away sometimes.

Please
enjoy our little museum tour. Wherever possible, I have added explanations and
comments to the posters so that you may understand better or explain their meaning
to any of the little ones that may tag along. I promise you, this will be a museum
trip that you shant soon forget. It brings a patriotic tear to my eye every time
I walk through. I’m sure it’ll do the same for you.

These
posters are not in any particular order (we’re remodeling). But I have showcased
them for you here so that you can see for yourself just how scummy those other
governments are — as opposed to our government. You’ll see that these posters
prove that opposable thumbs are not all they are cracked up to be. These wonderfully
designed works of art will show you just how important you are to democracy and
for winning all wars for the benefit of all mankind; the War To End All Wars;
destroying that evil Kaiser-dude; making Hitler pay, and other good stuff.

Those
nasty Krauts! See? World War One was all the Kaiser’s fault. We didn’t want a
war with Jerry. We were forced into it. Our pals in Jolly Old needed help. And
it was up to the good old USA to help them. What other choice did we have? We
had to help them… to protect their empire from the German empire. I mean,
if those nasty Krauts would have won that war, our banks would have never gotten
their money back. And we sure gave Jerry a nasty surprise, eh, wot?

No,
the army is not all work. Hardly so. Not only do you get to protect the honor
of country and King, you get to give Jerry a jolly good thrashing all the while
enjoying a butch game with the boys in a brisk game of rugby or football. And
that’s not the only benefit to being a man in uniform; when you are off duty,
you can dress in a smashingly smart style that will make all the ladies head’s
turn. Score one for the British Royal Army. Jolly good show!

Which
picture would you like to show your friends? My God, man, have you no pride? Have
you no shame? Where were you at the Battle of Verdune? Or The Battle of the Somme?
Or even at the Battle of Jutland? While our boys were giving Jerry a black eye
that he’ll never forget, you were reading books and playing tennis with the ladies!
What!? Who do you think you are, the snooty faced brat son of a diplomat or a
member of the aristocracy? You are? Oh, pardon me, I must have confused you with
someone else. My mistake. Very good. Carry on.

Those
sneaky Nazis will try anything to get the money out of the people’s pockets to
pay for their dreams of world expansion. Here’s a knock-out Nazi youth (who scores
a 10+ in my book of major babes) going around and stealing peoples money so that
Hitler may annex the Sudetenland. Have these people no shame? It should be a major
war-crime using children to help gather the people’s hard-earned cash for the
war-effort. Simply shocking. Those savages. (Say doesn’t she look like that Ingrid
chick who was Bogie’s old girlfriend in the 1942
movie Casablanca
?)

Oh
isn’t this little girl cute? And she wants daddy to buy her a Victory Bond to
help fight for freedom. How sweet! Just goes to show how messed up the youth is
today. My kids all would want a Game-Boy or cold-hard cash. I know if I gave my
kids a Victory Bond today, they’d say, “What’s this!?” and probably throw it away.
I’ll bet those little brats were listening to what naysayers like Smedley Darlington
Butler, Major General of the United States Marine Corps, said when he
slagged off World War I Victory Bonds
in his book War
is a Racket
by saying:

“Who
provides the profits — these nice little profits of 20, 100, 300, 1,500 and
1,800 per cent? We all pay them — in taxation. We paid the bankers their
profits when we bought Liberty Bonds at $100.00 and sold them back at $84 or $86
to the bankers. These bankers collected $100 plus. It was a simple manipulation.
The bankers control the security marts. It was easy for them to depress the price
of these bonds. Then all of us — the people — got frightened and sold
the bonds at $84 or $86. The bankers bought them. Then these same bankers stimulated
a boom and government bonds went to par — and above. Then the bankers collected
their profits.”

No!
General Butler. I won’t have it! The United States government would never cheat
its citizens and soldiers like that! I should like to have a word with you, sir,
outside!

Right!
While others are sitting around and listening to the radio, us Scots — in
our dresses — are giving Jerry what he deserves! Two fingers up yours for
the queen, king, and empire, wot!

Not
only is buying a US government Victory Bond a good deal that will surely lose
you 16% of your money when the war ends. The US banks will arrange it so that
you can buy the bond on a loan — that way you don’t have to pay for it with
cash up front. What a deal! Hey, wait a minute! Doesn’t this guy look a whole
lot like Jethro
Bodine
? Hey Jethro, go fetch granny from the cement pond, Miss Jane and
Mr. Drysdale is here selling us Victory Bonds so we can help keep the Kaiser from
landing his troops back home. Wee-doggies!

Well,
you don’t want to buy your Victory Bonds from one of these fly-by-night dealers.
You want to buy them from a reputable dealer like the United States government.
This is a poster for the Third Liberty Loan. Considering that we were only in
World War I for 2 years, I’m sure this Third Liberty Loan was a real bargain.
Wait a minute? A Third Liberty Loan to halt the Hun horde? What? Oh, I get it.
The first one must have been for Attila the Hun. Well, I’ll bet those bonds aren’t
worth parrot cage lining, but you could probably get $25 or $30 dollars for this
poster — if it was in mint condition, that is. Those dirty Huns.

Well,
howdy there chief! How now? Brown cow? We figured that if you Indians were so
stupid to believe that we would actually keep our promises to let you keep your
land in exchange for some papers, then we figure you’d love to help us destroy
other people too for some more useless papers. Whaddya say, chief? A few dozen
tons of furs for these two pieces of paper…. Say, how about two thunder sticks
and a metal pan and knife for that cute little Pocahontas you got over there by
the fire?

See?
We take care of our own. America never forgets those who sacrificed for our freedoms
protecting American soil over there in other countries. So when Johnny comes marching
home again (Hurrah! Hurrah!), we make sure that they have food and a place to
sleep. Hell most of them have their nerves so shot anyway and their brains so
destroyed they ain’t good for nothing else but beating their wives and becoming
homeless. And being homeless gives the government another excuse for different
budget expenditures. Fight on until we destroy homelessness forever! The War Against
Homelessness, I say!

Once
again, I’d like for you to read the words of Smedley Butler from War is a Racket
(just so I can tear his Anti-American argument to shreds later on):

“If
you don’t believe this, visit the American cemeteries on the battlefields abroad.
Or visit any of the veteran’s hospitals in the United States. On a tour of the
country, in the midst of which I am at the time of this writing, I have visited
eighteen government hospitals for veterans. In them are a total of about 50,000
destroyed men — men who were the pick of the nation eighteen years ago. The
very able chief surgeon at the government hospital; at Milwaukee, where there
are 3,800 of the living dead, told me that mortality among veterans is three times
as great as among those who stayed at home.

“Boys
with a normal viewpoint were taken out of the fields and offices and factories
and classrooms and put into the ranks. There they were remolded; they were made
over; they were made to “about face”; to regard murder as the order of the day.
They were put shoulder to shoulder and, through mass psychology, they were entirely
changed. We used them for a couple of years and trained them to think nothing
at all of killing or of being killed.

“Then,
suddenly, we discharged them and told them to make another “about face” ! This
time they had to do their own readjustment, sans [without] mass psychology, sans
officers’ aid and advice and sans nation-wide propaganda. We didn’t need them
any more. So we scattered them about without any “three-minute” or “Liberty Loan”
speeches or parades. Many, too many, of these fine young boys are eventually destroyed,
mentally, because they could not make that final “about face” alone.

In
the government hospital in Marion, Indiana, 1,800 of these boys are in pens! Five
hundred of them in a barracks with steel bars and wires all around outside the
buildings and on the porches. These already have been mentally destroyed. These
boys don’t even look like human beings. Oh, the looks on their faces! Physically,
they are in good shape; mentally, they are gone.”

My
rebuttal: Oh lots of big words. I’m scared. So, what’s your point, General Butler?
Are you saying that the world is not better off without Saddam Hussein?

Okay,
now here’s a beaut of a deal. Once again, Democracy is on the march. We are for
freedom and for peace. We want you to be happy. Big Bother wants you to have stuff.
He wants you to take a loan out on your mortgage on that house to buy those Victory
Bonds so that you can save money so that when the war ends you can buy that car
with the Victory Bonds that you lost your ass on. Heck, I’ll bet the car dealers
will even give you a 1% credit break on the Victory Bonds (minus outstanding loans
and interest) that you lost 16% of your money on if you show your patriotism by
using your Victory Bonds as a down payment. I’ll bet they’ll even show you their
gratitude by throwing in white-wall tires at no extra charge! Liberty? It’s good.
Liberty Bonds? They are sweet.

Yes.
The key to victory is for all of us to eat less bread. That way, if we don’t eat
the bread, then we can ship crusty old stale crumbs to our boys at the front.
We are sure to win the war if we eat less bread… Hey! Wait a minute! If the
key to victory is eating less bread, then no wonder we are getting our quiche-eating
butts kicked royally in Iraq. Hells bells, those people don’t have anything to
eat. This poster obviously needs updating. It should say, “The key to Victory
is starving to death, getting dysentery, living in sewage, crapping in buckets,
and eating rats.” That’ll teach those Iraqi insurgents that we mean business.
Bread not bombs, I say. I think that we should begin a round the clock
bread bombing campaign on Baghdad starting immediately. We can really turn the
heat up on those insurgents if we hit them with the good stuff, like Roman Meal
or walnut bread.

Look,
I don’t mean to complain, but I sure wish you guys at the United States Food Administration
would make up your minds. Which is it? Eat less, or eat more? Come on, you can’t
have it both ways. And look at that fat bastard in the poster. This guy doesn’t
look like he’s missed a meal his entire life. He certainly doesn’t need to clean
his plate that’s for sure. He’s probably gotten this way because he has been licking
his plate clean for years as it is. I thought we had a problem with obesity in
America. Make up your minds, dudes. I mean this guy is fat. This guy could handle
a few laps at the sports gym everyday, I tell ya. Well, actually, to tell the
truth, I could too. Starting to get a spare tire around the old love handles recently.

Those
stinking Canuk hosers! They are hoarding food! Well, no wonder we aren’t winning
the war — or we are losing it — whichever official US government policy
finally decides. I wonder how they decide if someone is hoarding food? Heavens!
Lord knows I just love those little cans of Tuna fish. I usually buy 20 cans at
once — they are cheaper that way. Is that hoarding food? I’d sure hate for
the food Gestapo to come around my house rousting me out of a good nights sleep
just because I was one can over the legal limit. I know that the FDA claims that
something that is round, contains no bread, no tomato sauce, no cheese, or other
meat toppings is considered a pizza — even though it has no pizza ingredients.
If I had a few dozen of those or even a dozen or so of those TV dinners, would
I be accused of hoarding food? Damn! War is hell.

I
don’t really know what the deal with this poster is, but what does covering your
hair have to do with anything? And who said anything about having Russian sisters?
They were the enemy. Or our friends. Depending on what year it was. Thank God,
the good old government of the US of A was here to tell us who are friends are
on any given day of the week… Oh, I get it. They probably had a bunch of extra
paper and some left over red ink so they had to print up something. I mean, they
had the budget for those posters that they received from all those Victory Bonds,
so why let perfectly good cash go to waste? Russia is now in the war against terrorism
with us (George said so) so I don’t want to see any of you ladies out at Wal-Mart
without a scarf on anymore. No wonder we’re losing in Afghanistan. Come on, get
with the program here, ladies.

Wow!
Pretty scary stuff, eh? I wonder what channel on the radio Hitler would want to
listen to? You know, a person can only take so much Wagner in a day. But, unless
Americans were completely stupid, this poster wouldn’t work. I mean, let say you
drive into work alone in your new car. The boss sees you getting out in the parking
lot. You go into the office and he says, “When you drive alone, you drive with
Saddam.” What are you supposed to think? I’d think the guy was a nut-ball. But
probably the best reply would be, “No! No! Saddam was sick today so he couldn’t
come to work. That was Osama.” Hopefully the men in the white suits would come
to take that fruit-cake manager of yours away and you’d be in line for a quick
promotion. You sly dog, you!

This
poster is proof positive that the Japs and the Nazis were planning on invading
your home. That’s right your home. How they would have gotten there is
anyone’s guess. Maybe the Japanese were planning one of those bus tours that you
so often see? Either way, they were coming to your house. How? Don’t confuse me
with the facts. Who are you going to believe? Me, or your very own eyes?

My
God! They are already here! Look at the size of that jack-boot too. It’s like
Godzilla-Nazi. But not to worry, that’s not our church. That’s the Methodist church
down the street. We don’t care about those sinners, they had it coming. Come to
think of it, since when do SS soldiers wear spurs on their jack-boots?

I’ve
got spurs that jingle, jangle, jingle,As our Stukas go dive-bombing along,We
crushed the Czechs, the Poles, and the Frenchmen,And we’ll be in Brooklyn
before too long.

The
dirty Nazis burned books that told the most vicious of lies about Herr Hitler
and the Third Reich. They made every effort to suppress free speech. But that
would never happen in America. Yeah! Because America is the land of the free.
We are a beacon of democracy. Yes, I know that George Bush and the
entire Bush administration is a bunch a lying crooks
and George and Dick are
the worst ones of the bunch, but hey. Let’s let by-gones be by-gones, I say. So
what if a couple of American youth got their brains blasted out in a war started
by lies? Everyone makes mistakes. So what if George and his Neo-Nazi cronies are
destroying what little is left of the US Constitution? So what? So what if they
want to tap your phones, arrest you without a warrant, and keep you in jail without
legal consultation? No biggie.

At
least George doesn’t burn books like the Nazis — yes, I know he only has
one book — a copy of The Little Brown Bear — but I wish they
would. I really do. I wish they’d burn my book. In fact I dare them to burn thousands
of copies of my books. I triple dare them. But no, they won’t do it. No guts.
They are just a bunch of weenies.

Oh,
yeah. Where was I? Well, you can see fellow patriots, from the posters above that
our American government has always given the little guy a fair shake — and
that’s why I like them so much. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little tour through
memory lane and I hope to see you next time when we’ll have more great posters
for your viewing pleasure. But before you go home, here’s a little poster that
I hope you’ll print out and tape onto your refrigerator door as a memento of this
wonderful time we have spent together.

God
bless George W. Bush. And God bless the American way.

June
21, 2005

Mike
(in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail]
was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has the distinction
of being fired from every FM radio station in Tokyo — one of them three times.
His first book, Schizophrenic
in Japan
, is now on sale.

Mike
(in Tokyo) Rogers Archives

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