The Minimal Intelligence Test — For Men™

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Guys, do you have at least minimal intelligence? Many men think they do, but they don’t. This test is for men only. Take this easy test and see if you pass. If the government ran a test like this — of course everyone would pass. But this is my test and we’re going to do this my way. So put on your thinking caps. Or if you do not have a thinking cap, a salad colander with wires attached to it will do.

The test will be structured with a short story followed by questions. Read the story first, then choose one answer from the multiple-choice answers that follow.

Story One:

Think way back, remember seeing those wonderfully heartwarming family-fun movies about the talking cat and two dogs getting lost from their owners? Yeah, they then had to make it though all the dangers of the forest, crossing waterfalls, being chased by mountain lions, kitty almost drowning after getting caught in a rushing river; one of the dogs breaking a leg protecting the others from a pack of wolves; all that and still somehow making the 1,000 mile trek back to their suburban home? You remember right?

When I went to see this movie with the two kids and dumb old Aunt Lillian, I leaned over and whispered, “Hey, those aren’t those dogs and cats real voices, ya know.” Aunt Lillian got angry at me and said, “Why do you always have to spoil it for everybody?” as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

How would you react to this scenario?

  1. Just like Aunt Lillian
  2. I was hoping the cat would get washed away. I hate cats.
  3. Like the kids and roll their eyes and think, “Dad is a nut-case.”
  4. I would have just kept my mouth shut and suffered in silence until this painful movie ended. Or said the same thing Mike did and laughed.

Story Two:

We Will Rock You is the name of a fairly famous so-called Musical that is touring the world. We get invitations to go see it free. It is a Musical that is structured haphazardly around some songs that the rock group Queen made in their hey-day. Even though my wife hates Rock music, she loves Musicals. She makes me go to the Opera and to Musicals quite a lot. We Will Rock You has to be the worst Musical I have ever seen in my life. The story is just plain ridiculous, and they force it into a lame attempt at making a profound statement.

The story goes like this: The Killer Queen wants to destroy all music on some planet. The terrorists — who play music — are called “Bohemians.” The queen wants to stop them from doing their rhapsody — Get it? Bohemian Rhapsody? Oh the pain! Anyway, the singing is passable. The dancing — what little there is — is wretched and the script is even worse than a Star Wars movie.

The performance starts. It seems pretty amateurish from the get-go. Ten minutes into it, when one of the Bohemian’s tries to think of a name for a girl — who can’t remember her own name — he tosses out names: Billie Jean (audience laughs). No! Fat Bottomed Girl (audience laughs even more). No. Scaramouche (audience all goes, “Ah!”). That’s it! That’s her name. Then he goes on to ask if she, “Can do the Fandango?” “Erk!” I toss my hands in the air and think, “I’ve just about had enough of this crap Musical.” Not only was this excruciatingly bad and poorly conceived, the Bohemians all claim to be anarchists and revolutionaries. Right. Anarchists and revolutionaries signing Queen’s Corporate schlock music. I didn’t see any Bohemians, but I did see a huge group of Neanderthals who actually paid to see this garbage.

My wife doesn’t know anything about Queen’s music so she doesn’t know these songs. I do. And when they sign a song, it has at best a very little to do with what the performers were just talking about. This is not a musical! I think. A musical has an original score made for it, rather than some stupid story thrown around some existing songs. I go to the lobby and buy another beer. After I return to my seat, even my wife says, “Let’s go. I’ve seen enough. This is terrible.”

Yes. We Will Rock You actually has nothing to do with the Rock band Queen — And I have seen them perform live in the mid-seventies. They were okay. But this was a very un-cool and very un-strange musical event. Thank God I didn’t have to pay to see this tripe.

How would you react to this scenario?

  1. I love Queen and can’t wait to spend $150 to see it.
  2. So, did she do the Fandango, or what?
  3. Mike, you are a jerk, and you just hate everything.
  4. I would have done just like you, Mike, and just kept my mouth shut. The play will end soon, but you’ve got to live with your wife.

Story Three:

You’ve been divorced twice. You marry for a third time. Your new wife says she’ll marry you but she doesn’t want to quit working and she never wants to have kids. Hell, you already have three kids that you have to support, so why would you want another? And, heck, if the wife works, you get to stay home and do the John Lennon thing and cook and clean house, why not? What a great deal!

Then, one day out of the blue after 7 years of marriage, your new wife tells you that she wants a baby. You think, What!? I thought we had a deal here!

How would you react to this scenario?

  1. Argue with her incessantly then begrudgingly have a child. Then when the kid is born and there’s some sort of hassle, you say, “I never wanted that kid in the first place.”
  2. Argue with her incessantly then divorce her.
  3. Divorce that woman immediately.
  4. Acquiesce to her wishes. Figure out that you should have seen this coming, try to make the best of it, and keep your mouth shut.

Story Four:

The wife gives you a short list of stuff to buy at the grocery store and the hardware shop. One of the things she wants is a large kitchen scissors — but she wants a very cheap one. The reason she wants a cheap one is that these scissors keep disappearing — You do have four kids around the house now — that’s to be expected.

You get to the hardware shop and they have two different models for a dollar (cheap!) You can’t decide which one to buy. One has a curved blade that’s a bit shorter. The other one is long and straight.

You ask the guy working at the shop which is better. But he doesn’t know either as he is, after all, a dumb guy just like us.

How would you react to this scenario?

  1. Get pissed off and buy neither. Then go home and yell at your wife for wasting your time and tell her to either buy one herself or be more specific next time as you pop open a can of beer and watch TV.
  2. Stand there confused for thirty minutes looking at the made in China scissors and trying to read the Chinese Kanji on the label to see which one is better. Then you drive half-way home, but change your mind, and go back and buy one.
  3. Call your wife on your cell-phone immediately and get orders from the boss.
  4. Hell, they only cost a dollar, and since they keep disappearing you buy one of both models. When you get home, you explain the situation to the wife and open one and put it in the drawer — so she doesn’t have to. You leave the other one unopened and tell her you put it under the sink.

Scoring:

Give yourself 1 point for each “A” answer. 2 points for each “B” answer. 3 points for each “C” answer, and 4 points for each “D” answer.

Your Minimal Intelligence Test score:

4—6: Doh! You are a complete idiot. But don’t be discouraged. There’s lots of guys like you. In your company are such mental giants as Shot-Glass Barney and George W. Bush.

7—9: You one big dummy. If you are married and can stay that way, praise the Lord and thank your lucky stars that you found a woman who can see beauty that others can’t. Supposedly you do have a brain, try to use it once in a while.

10—13: Passable as a possibly intelligent life-form. If you are a Republican or Democrat, deduct 9 points from your score and refer to above.

14—15: Almost there, but not quite. If you were as smart as you think you are, then you should have been able to at least cheat an extra one point. Better luck next time.

16: Congratulations. You have passed at least the Minimal Intelligence Test — For Men.™ Don’t start getting a big head, though. That’s the sure-fire way to lower your score.

17 or above: You cheater! I told you that this was a test for men. Women, considering that they have common sense — of course, are not allowed to participate.

Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has the distinction of being fired from every FM radio station in Tokyo — one of them three times. His first book, Schizophrenic in Japan, is now on sale.

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