Tips on Reporting Suspicious Behavior

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“America!
America!God
shed His grace on thee,And
crown thy good with brotherhoodFrom
sea to shining sea!

“America!
America!God
mend thine ev’ry flaw,Confirm
thy soul in mind-control,Thy
liberty in law.”

~
Katharine Lee Bates (1859—1929)

In
America’s great time of need, it is up to each and every one of us to do our fair
share in protecting our freedom from those who don’t like freedom. It is those
who dislike our freedoms that wish to take them away from us and to destroy them
and/or give them away to someone else. This must not happen fair citizens!
We must unite in helping our leaders (of all that’s good and fair) to stop these
terrorists from infiltrating our shores and taking away our freedom.

“Yes,
Mike, but how can I help?” I’m glad you asked. In compliance with the Homeland
Security act you must begin to report all suspicious persons, activities, and
packages to the proper authorities. It is these suspicious no-good-doers (and
their packages) that are coming to take our children and other things. You must
report all this suspicious stuff. Not only is this your duty as a patriotic American,
but it is kinda fun.

“Yes,
but how can I know if something is suspicious or not?” That’s a good question.
You want to know for sure if something is suspicious before reporting it, right?
And it’s not like you can just go walking up to some terrorist and say, “Excuse
me, sir. Are you doing something suspicious?” Hell, for all you know they don’t
even speak English. You certainly don’t want to embarrass yourself by reporting
something to the authorities that looks suspicious but actually isn’t. What would
the neighbors think?

How
many times have you had or heard this telephone conversation:

“Hello,
police?”

“Yes.”

“I’d
like to report some suspicious activity going on.”

“Yes.
What kind of activity?”

“Two
boys are walking down the street.”

“Yes.
That sounds suspicious. Is there anything especially suspicious about them?”

“It’s
night-time and they don’t look like they are from around here.”

“We’ll
be right over.”

Thank
God our boys in blue are on the job 24/7. We don’t want “those types” in our neighborhood,
now do we?

Things
to look for in suspiciousness are easy to pick out once you’ve had proper police
training. Since most of us don’t have the time to run around in snazzy blue uniforms,
I’ve made a simple list of things as well as a few handy charts for you to use
to decide whether or not something is suspicious before reporting it to the proper
authorities.

Stuff
that are red flags of suspiciousness are:

  • Walking with both knuckles dragging on the ground
  • Very heavy, protruding, brow
  • Thick skulls
  • Facial hair
  • Strange clothing
  • Giggling

Can
you spot the suspicious person in this picture?

If
you said, “None” then you are correct. There are no suspicious characters in these
photos. From left to right: Slash, heavy metal guitarist from the rock group
Guns N’ Roses; Dr. Frankenfurter, world renowned biologist; Wrigley’s Doublemint
Twins; Director General
of the British Ministry of Silly Walks.

Now
let’s go to an even more difficult example. Usually the criminal mind is good
at acting — that’s why it’s difficult to catch these scum. Here are photos
of four famous American actors. The cinema and entertainment all involve suspension
of disbelief. In other words, good actors are good liars. Can you pick out one
from the photos below that is a good actor and therefore a good liar?

From
left to right: Garth from Wayne’s
World
, Captain Kirk from Star
Trek
, George
W. Bush
, and Leonardo DiCaprio.

If
you said, “none” then you are correct again. These guys are all terrible actors
and therefore, terrible liars. But at least Garth is funny.

Now,
we’re up to the really high level of sneaky and suspicious persons and things.
Students, this is where the honeymoon ends. Now, if you really want to be the
best reporter of suspicious behavior in your neighborhood, you’ll have to pass
this test. Which of the vegetables in the next picture does not belong:

From
left to right: George W. Bush, Condi Rice, Donny Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Idaho
potato.

If
you answered, “Idaho potato” then you are correct. The Idaho potato is the only
one in the picture above that is not cooked.

Finally,
study very carefully the two posters on the left. Which poster, the one on the
left or the one on the right, does not come from a Police State?

Which
poster does not come from a police state? If you answered “the poster on
the left” then you are correct. That poster is from the Soviet Union — a
country that no longer exists. The poster on the right comes from The
United States
— One of the most repressive regimes in the entire world
with over 2.1 million of its own citizens in prison. That means that 718 out of
every 100,000 Americans were behind bars in 2003. (Russia’s rate is 584 per 100,000,
and by way of comparison with other industrialized Western nations, England’s
is 143, Canada’s is 116, Germany’s is 96, and Japan’s is 54.)

How
does that song go again?

“For
the land of the free

And
the home of the brave!”

Thanks
to Paul Craig Roberts and Elizabeth Gyllensvard for sending me the poster from
the belly of the beast.

June
18, 2005

Mike
(in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail]
was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has the distinction
of being fired from every FM radio station in Tokyo — one of them three times.
His first book, Schizophrenic
in Japan
, is now on sale.

Mike
(in Tokyo) Rogers Archives

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