What If the Parties Were Operating Systems?

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if the two major U.S. political parties were computer operating
systems? These are the kinds of features they would each have:


Partition Management” (PPM) – PPM makes disparate and otherwise
incompatible file systems behave as one monolithic partition, even
when the separate file systems don’t want to. Even better, should
a user or application try to unmount a constituent partition, PPM
will save time by formatting and reconstructing the partition using
the native file system, which will allow tighter control of file
contents by the operating system.

Capability – ElephantOS provides full support for TCP/IP networking.
In addition, the Server Import Monitoring & Protection Protocol
(SIMPP) examines incoming network data from foreign servers. If
it detects that these “offshore” servers are operating at a higher
efficiency than servers on the local host, it adds garbage data
to incoming data packets in order to encourage increased use of
domestic servers.

Manufacturing Server” (DMS) – In the event that the Central I-Node
Authority (CIA) cannot find a requested file on the physical disk,
our proprietary algorithms use fuzzy logic to create file data on
the fly, allowing your application to resume doing whatever it wants
to do.

File Left Behind” – ElephantOS relieves users and applications from
the burden of deciding what kind of data to put into their little


Equality Manager” (FEM): On DonkeyOS, all files are the same size.
If the operating system detects that some files are growing too
large (perhaps because they have an unfair advantage), data will
be taken from large files and redistributed to smaller files.

Transperancy: In order to allow DonkeyOS to do it’s job, all user
files will be public. In addition, DonkeyOS will maintain a list
of all files transferred off of the system via network, and will
insist that the foreign host let DonkeyOS retain control of those
files. This capability is shared with ElephantOS.

Directories: All system users on DonkeyOS must share the same common
directory (/home). Users are discouraged (but allowed, for now)
from creating their own subdirectories, but are prohibited from
making those directories private or protecting their contents. Before
a user creates a subdirectory, a System Hierarchy Impact Tradeoff
Table (too easy) must be constructed by the operating system, taking
into account the affect of this new subdirectory on other users

Security System” (ASS): All installed applications will be issued
an ASS number by the operating system. Each application will forfeit
a few clock cycles of processor time from each of their timeslices.
Forfeited cycles will be recorded by the OS in an ASS database and
put into a common pool of processor cycles (the “trust fund”). The
operating system will definitely not use these clock cycles for
its own operations.

8, 2005

Spiehler [send him mail]
is an electrical engineer in Jackson, Mississippi. See his

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