The British Prime Minister: Only Murderers and Liars, Please

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Fancy
your election or re-election chances as prime minister of a medium-sized
European country called the United Kingdom?

No
problem. Just find yourself some happy-family civilians minding
their own business, and kill them. The more, the merrier – 200,000
sounds like a nice rounded sort of number.

Be
sure to pick the right target – one that you know for sure cannot
retaliate. Arab children and their doting mothers are a popular
sporting bet. While you’re at it, why not have a go and try to assassinate
the local head of state and any kids he may have running around?
If you happen to come across a few oil reserves along the way …
well, lucky you!

Just
make sure that a corrupt government lawyer tells you that your anticipated
act of mass murder is perfectly legal; and if at first he expresses
grave reservations, citing international law and the Nuremberg Convention,
gently turn the screws until he changes his mind and finds surprisingly
unexpected elasticity in the legal code. Blackmail usually does
the trick.

The
successful candidate must also display a proven aptitude for serial
lying. We’re not talking about small-time lying or lies that register
less than nine on the Richter scale of deceit. We’re talking Super
League. The lies must initially be grotesque and obvious to everyone
but the most dim-witted, yet be flaunted with pride on a daily basis
and dignified with so much inventive sophistry and lawyeresque double-talk
that they eventually take on a life of their own and strut around
on the world stage like vainglorious peacocks demanding accolades
and posies.

Having
shown that you’re a right royal prince among liars, you will need
to cultivate a commensurate lack of genuine remorse for any mistakes
you may have made, and indeed exercise your ability to elevate those
mistakes as representing the unassailable edifice of your incomparably
brilliant international statesmanship. For this, you must transcend
all the fearsome characteristics of even the most celebrated psychopath
in the history of criminal psychiatry, and strive to bring new meaning
to the term ‘cunningly dangerous sociopath’.

As
a self-righteous child-killer, mass murderer, congenital liar and
sociopath par excellence, it will be your job to single-mindedly
pursue your critics with a vindictive malevolence almost unknown
to human nature. A slur on your character and integrity must be
met with the full force afforded by any and every state instrument
at your disposal, time and taxpayers’ expense being no object in
defence of your vanity and rightful place in the history books.

Be
astonished and affronted beyond words when others bring your sincerity
into question. If he’s a scientist, contrive to have him placed
under such unbearable pressure that he will probably be found dead
as a consequence of ‘suicide’. If he’s a journalist, simply turn
the tables on his integrity and destroy his career. If it’s a state
broadcaster, talk openly about potential licensing problems and
instigate a rigged inquiry by which the plaintiff becomes the defendant
and is found guilty. Expect resignations and shattered lives, and
enjoy your moment of supreme hubris by gloating in public.

Most
importantly, maintain that ever-present schoolboy grin – the one
that barely disguises your psychotic glee and near-disbelief at
your own arrogance, and which seems to beg the world with a playful
wink: “Am I still not in prison?”

Do
all this, and they will happily call you “Prime Minister."

May
2, 2005

Michael
James [send him mail]
a British freelance journalist and translator, resident in Germany
for almost 13 years, who has been working covertly and with quiet
determination to put Tony Blair behind bars for the rest of his
unnatural life. Permission to republish his work in any media is
freely granted.

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