Clothing Terrorists From Hell!

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After
a big gang-related knife
fight
on Story Road in San Jose, California, which left a 24-year-old
dead and a 17-year-old wounded, Ron Gonzales, the mayor of San Jose,
came up with a solution…request that clothing stores not sell any
clothing that has gang
colors
…you know, Crip Blue or Blood Red.

I'm
certain that will work. As soon as it becomes apparent to gang members
that they can't get the shirts and scarves they need to display
their gang-colors, they will stop fighting and maybe open up Dairy
Queens. This is such a simple solution that I'm surprised no one
thought of it before!

In
fact, it should work with our soldiers in Iraq. Deprive them of
their uniforms and they will all go home. Don't let them wear their
emblems either. You know, like Fighting 101st Airborne,
or Clowning 57th Combat Unit, or whatever.

It's
clear that the anti-war people have been attacking this all wrong.
Instead of demonstrations in the street trying to get Bush the Basher
to come to his senses, if he has any, they should be picketing Macy's!

Covert
operations could include smuggling pinking shears into stores that
sell uniforms and using them to carve little bunnies in the uniforms.
As soon as some thug buys it and gets it home, he will discover
that the uniform has been rendered even sillier than it was before!

Another
method would be to use pliers to remove those dye-spraying thing-a-ma-bobs
before the item is sold. The uniforms would all have big dye stains
that would mess with anyone's mind, and make them useless for inspiring
firefights.

A
coordinated effort across the country could bring the military to
its knees! In fact, if there is even a modicum of success, soldiers
will probably fall into a deep depression, take Prozac (legally,
of course), and become school-shooters, a worthy ambition for any
paid killer! (Of course, if Goth Black is put on the forbidden list,
school-shootings will probably diminish to practically nothing.)

Unfortunately,
as soon as those unpatriotic clothing downers start their campaign,
Homeland Security will probably define a new category of terrorist,
and security check systems will be installed, at tremendous expense
to the taxpayer, at all malls, shopping centers, boutiques, and
factory outlets. Even if the store has nothing to do with military
uniforms, you never know…check u2018em out! Seamstresses and fashion
designers would be profiled, and certainly all those moms who sew
Halloween costumes for their kids.

The
neat thing about this kind of security system is that the gropers
who like to hire on to the Federal lust-licensing agencies will
have it easy. They can just monitor all the changing rooms, legally,
and watch men, women, or whatever peel down to their undies, or
maybe even further! What a bonus for doing their patriotic duty!

New
Weapons of Clothing Destruction (WCD's) would include the aforementioned
pinking shears, pliers, any and all sewing implements, spray paint
and crayons. A waiting period would be imposed on all purchases
of sewing machines (especially those little hand-held units sold
on late-night TV) until a background check could be performed, and
licenses would be required to work in any sector of the clothing
industry.

Clothing
terrorists, get your chops in now, before the Feds wise up!

April
2, 2005

Michael
Paul Tuuri [send him
mail
] holds a Juris Doctor degree from JFK School of Law and
is the founder of I’m As
Mad As Hell.com
.

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