After a big gang-related knife fight on Story Road in San Jose, California, which left a 24-year-old dead and a 17-year-old wounded, Ron Gonzales, the mayor of San Jose, came up with a solution…request that clothing stores not sell any clothing that has gang colors…you know, Crip Blue or Blood Red.
I'm certain that will work. As soon as it becomes apparent to gang members that they can't get the shirts and scarves they need to display their gang-colors, they will stop fighting and maybe open up Dairy Queens. This is such a simple solution that I'm surprised no one thought of it before!
In fact, it should work with our soldiers in Iraq. Deprive them of their uniforms and they will all go home. Don't let them wear their emblems either. You know, like Fighting 101st Airborne, or Clowning 57th Combat Unit, or whatever.
It's clear that the anti-war people have been attacking this all wrong. Instead of demonstrations in the street trying to get Bush the Basher to come to his senses, if he has any, they should be picketing Macy's!
Covert operations could include smuggling pinking shears into stores that sell uniforms and using them to carve little bunnies in the uniforms. As soon as some thug buys it and gets it home, he will discover that the uniform has been rendered even sillier than it was before!
Another method would be to use pliers to remove those dye-spraying thing-a-ma-bobs before the item is sold. The uniforms would all have big dye stains that would mess with anyone's mind, and make them useless for inspiring firefights.
A coordinated effort across the country could bring the military to its knees! In fact, if there is even a modicum of success, soldiers will probably fall into a deep depression, take Prozac (legally, of course), and become school-shooters, a worthy ambition for any paid killer! (Of course, if Goth Black is put on the forbidden list, school-shootings will probably diminish to practically nothing.)
Unfortunately, as soon as those unpatriotic clothing downers start their campaign, Homeland Security will probably define a new category of terrorist, and security check systems will be installed, at tremendous expense to the taxpayer, at all malls, shopping centers, boutiques, and factory outlets. Even if the store has nothing to do with military uniforms, you never know…check u2018em out! Seamstresses and fashion designers would be profiled, and certainly all those moms who sew Halloween costumes for their kids.
The neat thing about this kind of security system is that the gropers who like to hire on to the Federal lust-licensing agencies will have it easy. They can just monitor all the changing rooms, legally, and watch men, women, or whatever peel down to their undies, or maybe even further! What a bonus for doing their patriotic duty!
New Weapons of Clothing Destruction (WCD's) would include the aforementioned pinking shears, pliers, any and all sewing implements, spray paint and crayons. A waiting period would be imposed on all purchases of sewing machines (especially those little hand-held units sold on late-night TV) until a background check could be performed, and licenses would be required to work in any sector of the clothing industry.
Clothing terrorists, get your chops in now, before the Feds wise up!
April 2, 2005
