Jude Wanniski's Twilight Zone

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“On ABC, Peter Jennings devotes two hours of prime time to playing peek-a-boo with U.F.O. fanatics.”

~ Jude Wanniski


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Hey Jude: How can anyone so smart pooh-pooh the ham-handed United States cover-up of UFOs?

I am saddened by Mr. Wanniski’s cavalier view of recent ABC news coverage of UFO experiences. Has Mr. Wanniski never heard of Area 51? Why, it is outrageous that Mr. Wanniski, a self-avowed non-expert on UFO’s, aliens, alien “abductions,” or visitations, would attempt to make a judgment on a subject about which he boasts of knowing nothing.

First of all: I take exception to the use of the word “abduction.” When referring to visitors from outer space who offer residents of this planet a test drive in the latest time-traveling device, anyone who uses the word “abduction” sounds like a paranoid nut case right out of the Bush White House. Such encounters are not abductions; they are “experiences.”

Second: For Mr. Wanniski to challenge the veracity of Peter Jennings and ABC News is where I have to draw the line. I mean, if ABC is not going to report the news, then for what purpose were they created?

Third: I would like to ask Mr. Wanniski to explain the quote at the start of this article. Mr. Wanniski: Why are those who have seen UFOs or who believe in them “fanatics.” How do you know that UFO’s do not exist? Do you have proof that you have never had an alien experience? I suspect that you do not. But, let me ask you, do you belong to the Maryland’s Burning Bush Country Club? Besides, fanatics do not play peek-a-boo. It’s against the rules.

Please, Mr. Wanniski, stick to Supply Side economics and the riddles of the Middle-East.

There is a great difference between a real UFO scientist, such as myself, and a brilliant economist like Mr. Wanniski. He is, among other things, a world famous economist, a former Wall Street Journal editor, a Middle-East scholar and a deuced good-looking guy.

You don’t see me writing about the constant USA screw-ups in the Middle-East, do you….?

Remember back in 1493 and 1494? The Treaty of Tordesillas? Sure you do. On May 4, 1493, Pope Alexander VI decided to divide the sand box of the world between Spain and Portugal. Running north and south through the middle of the Atlantic, an imaginary line was established by the Pope’s decree. [1494 — The Treaty of Tordesillas: Castile and Portugal partition exploration and exploitation of the world (Portugal, east of c.50 degrees west; Castile, west of that meridian).]

[On May 4, 1493 Pope Alexander VI took action to clear up any confusion that may have arisen over territorial claims. He issued a decree which established an imaginary line running north and south through the mid-Atlantic, 100 leagues (480 km) from the Cape Verde islands. Spain would have possession of any unclaimed territories to the west of the line and Portugal would have possession of any unclaimed territory to the east of the line.]

OK, Jude, it might be prudent if we do the same thing; let’s draw a line. We can agree to confine our brilliance to our own fields of expertise: you can opine about the earth, I get full rights to Outer Space.

Cinema teaches us that aliens visit our planet for a variety of reasons: to replenish necessary pharmaceutical supplies as in the Hollywood classic, Liquid Sky; to teach bratty American children better manners as in E.T.; or having perfected the pre-nuptial agreement, aliens have been known to visit earth to find mates as in the unforgettable, Devil Girl From Mars, or the 1966 smash hit, Mars Needs Women where the title says it all.

Now, to educate Mr. Wanniski and to defend the honor of Peter Jennings, let’s engage in a logical, step-by-step, collection of evidence that will prove that aliens are visiting earth. Don Henley, bend an ear. They are here and they are coming.

Here is my brief, you be the judge.

First off, let us examine some recent news stories that would appear to have nothing to do with UFO’s or alien visitations:

Another Tobacco Theft Further Proof that High Taxation is Resulting in Increased Crime, Says Canadian Tobacco Manufacturer.

Here’s a quote from that article:

"In April of this year there was a theft valued at $1.7 million of 5.8 million cigarettes in Ontario, and in January there was a truck hi-jacking in Langly, British Columbia of more than 11 million cigarettes worth a retail value of about $4.2 million.u201D

Tobacco the new currency of crime — At least 15 stores robbed in past 2 weeks

“… thieves hauled hundreds of cigarette cartons from a Mac’s Milk on Dean Park Rd., north of Vaughan. They brought their own garbage bags to do the job. While cigarette crimes are nothing new, police say they are soaring, along with the price.

“`It’s easy pickings for these bad guys, going in at night.’ ~ Detective Jeff Zammit, Crime Stoppers.

“Of the 880 retailers recently surveyed by the Ontario Convenience Stores Association, 112 had experienced break-ins involving cigarettes. In some cases, the same store had been targeted as many as four times.”

Cigarette Theft: The New Prohibition?

“Over the last few months, NACS has received several media inquiries about regional increases in the theft of cigarettes, from Baton Rouge to Baltimore to Phoenix. Reporters have called NACS to ask if tobacco theft is a national problem and why? And what are police and retailers doing to curb it?”

White Zimbabwean farmers’ crops filched

"White commercial farmers in Zimbabwe have lost much of this year’s tobacco crop due to theft by operatives, say sources inside the African nation.

"Sources say up to 30 million kilograms (66 million pounds) have been stolen so far, either by taking the tobacco directly out of the barns after it has been cured or by sealing off entire farms, then taking the tobacco off the land itself."

Those are just a few of the thousands of articles to be found on the Internet involving cigarette and tobacco theft — from San Diego to San Antigua. Now, I ask you, gentle reader, what is the common denominator in all these stories? That’s right, not a single one mentions the perpetrators being apprehended. With millions of pounds of tobacco products being stolen, don’t you think it odd that the perps never get caught? Why? Could there be darker forces at work, forces about which we [that includes you, Mr. Wanniski] know nothing?

Additionally, there have been break-ins at tobacco factories all over South America, Asia, and South East Asia. Also, world-wide, every year, people [and voting chads] disappear by the thousands. Is there a common denominator? I think there is. We can’t blame the GOP and the Bush Administration’s anti-terror laws for everything.

Is it possible that the perpetrators of these kidnappings and thefts can not be caught? Could it be that these thieves are so clever that the police can find no evidence to link the culprits to the crime? Are the police so unimaginative that they can’t manufacture evidence or frame someone? Or, could it be that the government actually does not want to solve the crime? I think the answer to these questions will become clearer as you read on.

Consider the addictive properties of nicotine. I can testify as much as the next guy that, once taken up, quitting the habit of smoking is nearly impossible.

Let us examine some more recent news laced with alarming implications. The following reports come from a respected UFO sighting center:

“On Monday, December 13, 2004, as he sat in his hot tub, a gentleman from Blue Springs, Missouri witnessed two very strange looking, unlighted objects streak over his head at approximately 20:15 hrs. (CST). The witness has substantial experience in the aviation industry, with many thousands of hours of flight time, and he stated that he has never seen such objects in his life.”

“On the night of Dec. 13th while watching the meteor shower, a witness saw a large, silent, and completely dark object travel across the sky. The circle represents the relative size of the moon.”

“In Lancaster, Calif. a triangular shaped craft crossed the freeway traveling East directly in front of a man’s truck at about 50 to 75 feet in altitude.”

Massive tobacco theft? UFO sightings? Hmmmmmm.

Think about it: UFO’s must travel billions and billions of light years from the Alpha-Omega galaxy (or where-ever) to reach their final destination: Earth. We already know that Mars had water, so why would the aliens come to earth to get H2O? They wouldn’t would they? What do we have on earth that our outer space visitors would crave. And crave desperately?

Imagine yourself in a cramped UFO. The travel through time and the universes isn’t for the faint of heart. Every solar rotation, you wake up to see the same co-pilot, the same staff; you hear the same Muzak, and the same conversation over and over for light years. Now, who wouldn’t go crazy in such an environment?

Of course these UFO’s have really nice lounge and rest areas with vending machines selling peanuts, chocolate bars, coffee…. But let’s face it, even with these simple pleasures, Zork hates being on a cooped up on space-ship with the same boring Xernons; he is tired of hearing Zorno’s stupid stories and seeing photos of Zorno’s kids. With Zork’s powers of telepathy, he knows the punch lines of Zork’s jokes. And who wants to hear, “Hey, we’re on course for once….Not!” Over and over?

Go figure. These recent UFO sightings coupled with the rash of tobacco break-ins are being made by aliens from outer space. That’s why no one ever gets caught.

And, of course, aliens come to earth not only to steal the tobacco but also to smoke it, because — and this is obvious — there is no atmosphere in space, therefore the windows of a space craft may not be opened. Space has no office buildings with curbsides for its huddled smokers. As Xernon has strictly enforced laws applying to the use of tobacco products inside the craft, Zork and Zorno are visiting a neighborhood near you all the better to light up.

Hey, can I bum a smoke? Zork took all of mine.

A special thanks to Peter Jennings and the entire ABC news team for their totally excellent support without which this article just wouldn’t be happening.

Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has worked as an independent writer, producer, and personality in the mass media for nearly 30 years. Elizabeth Gyllensvard lives and works in the panhandle area of Florida. Twenty years service in the office of “John Oliver Banion,” enriched Miss Gyllensvard with a thorough appreciation of the absurdities of Washington DC and its drones.

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