Absentee Balloting in the World's Biggest Banana Republic

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(The story you are about to read is true. The names of the people in this article have been changed in order to protect their identity from 21st century Bush Nazi’s as well as people who are living in some sort of bizarro past — “Watch out for the cats in the Bee-Bop hats cause they’re living in the past”).

This information has come to me from inside sources who are skittish about revealing their names and political persuasions. I’ll call my contact “Jonhathan Harty” of the Hardy Boys fame as he is a dead ringer for the Hardy Boy of the same name.

(God, when I was a kid, I thought all the guys who read “Hardy Boys” were just such total dweebs cause I was into the “Incredible Hulk” as well as Peter Parker as Spider Man. Never mind the fact that those idiots screwed up the Incredible Hulk TV series by changing Bruce Banner’s name to David Banner! God! Have a clue, eh? Secret scientists never have a name like “David," it’s gotta be “Bruce” or “Fox Mulder.”)

Anyhow, I met “Jonhathan” at my sports club in Japan, in a city which I will refer to as “Toyko.” “Toyko” is a well known city among world cities as world cities that are well-known goes. And in Asia, “Toyko” has brought us such glamorous Hollyweird stars as Godrizzla as well as Mothra.

I was swimming hard-core non-stop 4000-meter (4400-yard) sprints every day, eight days a week, when I first met “Jonhathan.” He winked at me. I wanted to punch him out but soon realized that he was winking at the girl standing next to me, his girlfriend. I let him slide.

There aren’t that many foreigners at my sports club. Funny that, this is Japan and the club seems to be filled with Asians. I’ve been investigating the reasons why this is the situation at the club when “Jonhathan” spoke to me the first time:

“Hi! My name is ‘Jonhathan,’ what’s yours?”

“I don’t know. Who’s asking?” I replied.

“Jonhathan.” He said.

“Oh yes, I believe I’ve heard that name before.” I said. I winked and gave him the “secret sign” and handshake. We foreigners can’t be too careful, you know.

He looked back at me funnily. His girlfriend, I’ll call her “Marilyn” was checking me out. I could tell she was ready to leave the club and go home. I couldn’t tell if she wanted to leave with me or “Jonhathan.” I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

“Well, okay,” he said. “Perhaps we’ll meet again. Take it easy.” “Jonhathan” said as he got out of the pool.

“Sure! Sure! Maybe next time!” I said. I noticed his girlfriend, look back at me and give me a wink as she threw the towel over her shoulder, as they headed out of the pool area — what a major babe! A fourteen on a scale of one to ten. I winked back. I knew exactly what she was thinking. I’d been there before… Many times before. Too many times!

Just then, Mrs. Kojima the eighty-seven-year-old aerobics-swimming instructor thought I was winking at her and she smiled at me. I knew it was time to get out of the pool immediately and shower.

A few days later, I met my contact again, “Jonhathan." He asked me about “absentee voting.” I told him it was a waste of time and that the U.S. government was morally, as well as politically, and economically bankrupt and that voting was a waste of time. But you know how these young people are, they won’t listen. I even sent “Jonhathan,” some articles written by some Lewrockwell.com hack-writers to convince him of the total and complete futility of voting. But “Jonhathan,” was not to be deterred. He sent in his request for an absentee ballot and got one. But that’s not the end of the story…. Oh no….. Oh no, my friends, not the end of the story by a long ways. I still have several paragraphs to fill.

Well, after hearing about all the problems that were being had with absentee ballots and the problems with voting for ex-pats, I was just totally disgusted with the entire process! But God bless the United States of America! And God Bless the American way! Because, well, dammit, “Jonhathan,” has gotten three ballots now and has voted for John Kerry three times! Who says America can’t bring American-style democracy to countries like Afghanistan and Iraq!

And now I have a deal with Johnny-baby that when he gets his next ballot, I buy him a beer and I get his ballot and I get to vote for who ever I want to!

So stand proud, America! American democracy is not dead! Write in “Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers” in your presidential election ballot. I promise to fire every single federal employee, close all foreign bases; fire everybody, close all public schools, renege on all NATO agreements; and arrest George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald McRumsfeld.

And, if you vote for me more than four times, you can collect seals and get a free Coke with any large order of fries.

God bless America! And God bless the American way!

Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has worked as an independent writer, producer, and personality in the mass media for nearly 30 years.

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