Channeling Bob Hope

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“Well, the election is almost here.
George W. blew the first debate, and Cheney blew his too.
To talk to Rove on an earpiece,
It’s hard enough to talk to one,
but impossible, if it’s two.
George, I thank you so much….”

(The crowd rises to give a standing ovation. Bob Hope walks to the podium):

“You know, it’s been a rough last three or four years and today I’d like to say thank you to soon-to-be-former president Bush. And I mean that, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.

George is already panicking
and going to blow the next debate
John Kerry was a lawyer
George’s English isn’t up to par
In fact, it’s second rate
a thrashing, it will be”

Bob: “What’s the difference between a lawyer and a guppy?”
Bing: “I don’t know. What is the difference between a lawyer and a guppy?”
Bob: “One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.”

(Drums: Tha-da-dump-dump)

“The way I see it, and I’m going to make a prediction here;
Bush won’t carry 10 states…
Most probably he’ll only get five.
It’s going to be a romping.
Bush will be lucky if he gets out of this alive.

And when it’s all over,
you’ll say “that was predictable too”
George couldn’t do easy math
even if it’s two plus two
George, we thank you so much

So that’s why I want to say thanks to George W. Bush and the entire Bush family for many years of great service and memories. Had it not been for George, I would have never gotten the chance to write for you good folks and the folks at over these last 11 months or so. It’s been fun.

Some of you might remember that I picked Bush to lose this year way back in January. Sure I blew it on who was going to take him down, but hey! You’ve seen one Democrat and you’ve seen ‘em all!

I remember when I first found out that George Bush was the Republican nominee for president. I was really surprised! At first, I thought it was his dad, and my good drinking buddy, George Herbert Walker Bush (we were in the same Amway sales group in 1995).

When I thought it was his dad’s son,
I was a bit upset
This isn’t North Korea,
it’s America, and yet
we have our own dynasty, too
George Bush, thank you

But George has carried on a fine tradition of American presidents. And I thank him so much.

So won’t you all please rise up from your seats and join me in a little song?”

(Everyone in unison)

Thanks for the memory
Of things I can’t forget
Journeys on a jet
Our mission was accomplished
But they haven’t given up yet
How lucky we were

And thanks for the memory
Of Condi Rice and Rummy
And of course Dick Cheney
We dropped some bombs in Baghdad
it was gonna be for free
How cozy it was

Now since our breakup I wake up
Alone on a gray morning-after
I long for the sound of your laughter
And then I see the laugh’s on us

But thanks for the memory
Of every budget-busting bill
We’ve been through the mill
Osama’s still runnin’ round
You caught Saddam, but still
We’ll miss you so much

Thanks for the memory
Of how you used to jog
Mind in a fog
You lost your home state of Texas
and couldn’t pull Tennessee
How rainy it was

Thanks for the memory
Of service records you destroyed
Books about you that we all enjoyed
I think you need some mental screening
by a guy named Sigmund Freud
How brainy he is

Gone are those debates with John Kerry
A radio to speak with Karl Rove
I begin to collect unemployment
and wish that you
had a job, too

I know it’s a fallacy
That grown men never cry
Baby, that’s a lie
We had our bed of roses
But forgot that roses die
And thank you so much

“Good night folks!” Crowd screams and shouts tears of joy as he walks off stage. The red, white, and blue balloons fall from the ceiling. The lights grow dim… Time to go home; the party is over.

— Thanks to Great Lakes Science and Novelty for the George Bush ventriloquism doll. Get your Bush administration goodies before they’re all gone! (Tell ‘em Mike sent you!)

Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has worked as an independent writer, producer, and personality in the mass media for nearly 30 years.

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