Moe's Guide to the 2004 Presidential Elections

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Look, let’s face it. You cannot possibly figure out who to vote for in this next presidential election by watching the news or those conventions! They are all a huge waste of time.

Now, if you haven’t made up your mind yet on who to vote for by now, then you haven’t been paying attention. One of the candidates is a lying, scum-sucking, bottom dwelling, fascist right-wing nut and the other guy is a Liberal Pinko Socialist Commie.

Either of these clowns is just gonna cost you tons of money with their stupid pet projects — as well as have your kids running off to other countries like Canada and Mexico.

Canada and Mexico? Good choices. Either country has better beer than that swill us folks have to drink in the United States — Besides Duff beer of course. God! American beer, like politics, is the worst!

So here I am to offer you, my fellow drunks, a logical way to judge which of these two losers you are gonna vote for. Or, if our experiments go very well, you will be in no condition to go anywhere and you will have a very valid excuse for abstaining or calling in sick that day.

Now my method is very scientific, but it requires a lot of imagination and ESP… Well, not really ESP, but a kind of foresight that you need to imagine just how screwed up America will be in another few years. And keep in mind that it will be screwed up regardless of how screwed up you are! So what do you have to lose?

And what will we use to judge the candidates? Well, hell, what other possible way to judge them by having a booze-tasting contest? I’ve already done it for you here, but you can try it yourself at home and see if your results match mine. After all, let’s face it, room temperature and the company you keep (as long as they’re all paying customers) are all part of the alcoholic experience.

The best way to have a booze tasting contest, in a democratic nation, is to invite your friends all over (and make them pay). Give them each a plastic cup and a pencil and paper. The paper should have this information already copied down on it in graph form:

1) Name of Alcohol / Taste / After-taste / Alcohol content / Smell — odor / Design

These are the categories that you will need to judge whether you should vote for Mr. Scum #1 or Mr. Scum #2. Once again, make sure that the information is written down in graph form so that numbering and record keeping is easy and simply accomplished regardless of how much our “judges” have had to drink.

Give each category up to five points for great; zero points for horrid. Then you total up the entire score and vote for the booze, er, candidate; the one that comes out with the highest score wins! — And that’s who you vote for! Come on, it’s fun! And hell, this is about as scientific as it gets folks!

First up, in order to represent our incumbent, lying, sleazy, greaseball we have a beer from the great state of Texas: Lonestar Beer. Yeah. Yeah. I hear you. I know he’s not really from Texas. He just acts like he is. But I checked with my distributor and couldn’t find a beer from Connecticut. So Lonestar it is.

If you like to fight with your drinking habits as well as your friends, then this is the beer for you — Lonestar is for you “put on” Republicans and mad cowboys. My God! At 2.20% alcohol, 24 cans of this stuff and you’re really drunk. Always keep several cases of Lone Star on hand at home; that way, when you do get a chance to drink some decent brew, you will appreciate it all that much more. I hear that Georgie boy likes these the best. And why not? They’re cheap and you can keep on drinking them all night! George was quoted at his last barbecue party telling everyone:

“Ya’ll are missing half the enjoyment of the beer, if’n you don’t crush the empties on your forehead and throw them into the neighbors ranch! Also you avoid broken glass injuries that way!”

Oh, that Georgie boy, he’s such a card! Rumsfeld didn’t find these little escapades the least bit amusing as he packs his own booze that does not come in cans (but more about that later).

My take on Lone Star beer: The can design is really poor quality and the beer smells bad. Not only that, this rot-gut leaves a bad after-taste in your mouth. That being said, it’s probably the perfect thing to forecast how you are gonna feel after another few years of George W. as president. So I guess I’d have to recommend giving it a try.

My score?

I score it one and one half Shotglass Barney’s…. But ask me again tomorrow morning; depending on my hang-over, the score could go way down.

The next brew up is the one representing the challenger. This was an easy choice as I hear the guy is from Boston so what other beer to pick from Boston than that great American favorite: Samuel Adams.

Now all this time, I thought that Samuel Adams was just the name of some low-grade crappy tasting American brew. But no! There really was a patriot named Samuel Adams! And from what I gather, not only was he a trouble-maker for the British, he actually really did make his own hootch! He was involved with the Boston Tea Party and he helped organize a riot against the Stamp Act. Is that incredibly cool, or what?

Well, just from this information, Samuel Adams beer scores points for that Kerry dude. But, don’t run out and cast your vote yet! For one, you gotta finish your drink; and upon closer inspection of the history of this swill, we find out that Samuel Adam’s brewery went bankrupt back in those revolutionary days. So the name Samuel Adams for this beer is actually just a scam. But hey! We got to let the guy slide on this one. Because compared to the paint-stripper they sell in the stores today, beers back in those days had to be good.

Even so, all this probably matters not to our spoiled Yale boy who probably prefers drinking Heineken — But won’t admit it. Now this is good or bad, depending on how you look at it (unless, of course you drink Pabst Blue Ribbon or Duff). Because this shows that at least Kerry has a preference. Georgie boy will drink whatever’s available; out of whatever is available. Have you ever drunk left-over beer that was sitting in someone’s ashtray? Georgie has. Did I ever tell you about the time George was so desperate for a drink that he raided his mom’s cooking cabinet and drank an entire bottle of cooking Sake? Ugh! You don’t want to know.

My score on Samuel Adams?

Three and one half shot-glass Barney’s. What the hell, eh? This swill ain’t so bad. I like the label design and the company gives out neon signs and coasters. You ever see a Lone Star coaster? No? Me neither.

Well, that should be about enough information for you to make an incoherent vote for president. But as one last little tip, from Moe, let me give you the low-down on our Secretary of State. More like our Secretary of a State of inebriation. Before those idiots attacked Iraq, I heard Rummy was living high on the hog and drinking Dom Perignon every night. But since the insurgency started, I hear that Donnie boy has been hitting it up with his old drinking buddy, Thunderbird. Don’t believe me? Well, go over to the White-house and look around the back alleys there in D.C. Rummy will be the guy who is sleeping under the bridge with the Thunderbird under his arm. Just look for the guy in the long coat with the bottle and the bird feces lying around. That’s him. Anyway, if you have a cold or something and you can’t taste anything, and you need to get trashed quick (like Rummy did in April), then Thunderbird is the drink for you. Or, if you like the smell of gasoline on your hand after you stop at the self-serve gas stand, look no further than Thunderbird.

Thunderbird? My personal score?

One half. What the heck. The stuff is cheap. And I have drunk worse…. I think.

But the old Thunderbird cannot really be judged against the fine line of beers I’ve set up for you above. Because if you look at the chart, you’ll see that this cheap-o wino is 17% alcohol so it packs a wallop for the dollar. And this high alcohol count skews the vote, so we can’t really fairly count this as having a factor in the presidential election this time.

Well, that’s it. That’s how you have a beer tasting party and make an intelligent political decision. It’s like killing two birds with one stone. Or getting stoned and wanting to kill the both of ‘em. If you have any more questions on how to make your own home political beer tasting party a success, you know where to find me. I’m in the Springfield phone book. Moe’s place. I’ll be here.

By the way, I’ll still be open after your home party and the election is over so come on by. I figure sales should go up after November either way.

Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers [send him mail] was born and raised in the USA and moved to Japan in 1984. He has worked as an independent writer, producer, and personality in the mass media for nearly 30 years.

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